


Meadow's rabbit

by AlefiaSolar



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Half-XXXX!Hide, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Investigator!Hide, Just kidding everyone suffers, M/M, Slow Burn, War, Washuu!Hide, centipede!Kaneki, fluffy fluff fluffs, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2018-10-03 00:05:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 52,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10231097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlefiaSolar/pseuds/AlefiaSolar
Summary: Since the beginning of times, there's been a war between humans and ghouls. Neither side was winning, nor were the lives being taken important; what both feared the most was extermination, and they were trying to avoid it at all costs.In which Hide and Kaneki play a big role for both parties, and they're surrounded by nothing but tragedy.





	1. Encounter

Since the beginning of times, there's been a war between humans and ghouls. Neither side was winning, nor were the lives being taken important; what both feared the most was extermination, and they were trying to avoid it at all costs.

Eventually, the conflict escalated to a degree in which neither of the parties was safe anymore. Like a fire, the violence spread, and both of them were burning. Internal battles started, and above anything else, survival of oneself was the priority. _To kill or be killed_ , all was reduced to that. Many years were passing by, and bloodshed was the only thing being left behind.

Among the ghouls, some were hunting their own kind in order to acquire power; in contrast, authorities between humans sacrificed their population rights as a way of self-preservation. It was a common scenario in those days, to see how a governor would use his country as a mean of protection against the all-powerful ghouls; either sending unprepared soldiers to war or buying a shield with the commonwealth. Like that, both sides were dying at the hands of their leaders. Both sides were dying at the hands of their own kind.

It wasn’t until a family stood tall among all others, bringing the longed and awaited peace: the Washuu Clan. They gave the humans a way to fight back the ghouls, along with a hierarchy that helped to organize their forces. That is how the Commission of Counter Ghoul started, as an army which pursued the protection of every living man.

The ghouls were taken aback by them, as a result of underestimating the lower species. The food chain stopped being a pyramid with them at the top and turned into a cycle; in which humans could avoid being eaten, and therefore, survive.

After all, if there’s no balance in between two forces, everything collapses.

He tossed the book aside and decided that he wouldn’t do as he was told for once. After being scolded for dressing nearly inappropriate in front of several special class investigators, he was told to go to his room and redeem himself while doing a five thousand words essay about the history of humanity. _For starters, bleaching my hair was mom’s idea. Why’s father so angry about it? It's been two years since that. Jeez._

He considered that being stuck in his room until the meeting was over was actually the best punishment that he could ever have. Completely alone and without being supervised by anyone, he felt at ease for the first time in months.

It wasn't that he didn't like the company, but lately, he felt trapped by his family's expectations and just having a moment lacking eyes on his back was relieving. Right now, inside four walls full of books, he felt freer than ever. If only he could enjoy those books, though.

He stood up, stretched his legs, and noticed how awful his body felt after being in the same position for more than he was able to handle. Perhaps he could try out his luck and go out from the front door. _Too risky_. Knowing his father, there was probably someone watching by the entry of his room, who wouldn't let him take a step without handling those awfully boring papers. He considered going through the windows but thought against it after realizing how obviously noticeable his exit would be. There were tons of people on that side of the house. After all, it was a Thursday, and those days were for gatherings with both of his parents involved; mom in the backyard having tea with her friends, and father in some kind of learning studio. So, he did what he knew best.

_Knock knock_

No response. Maybe his father wasn’t as extremist as he first thought.

_Knock knock_

“Do you have any inconvenience, Nagachika-san?” The words surprised him. _…san?_ That was new. During all of his twelve years of long existence, no one has referred to him as such. Nevertheless, he opted to continue following his plan.

“Not that, but ´who’s there´” He was trying to guess the identity of the unknown vigilant. Regarding Seidou, not even half of the world's money, power and fame would have made him take that position. Besides, he would just enter his room and be with him, instead of staying outside like a police dog.

“…Excuse me?” Although the formalities were similar to Akira’s, the voice was too deep to be hers. Indeed, _he_ was being too courtly.

“You gotta say it, c'mon! It's not that hard" Those kinds of people were the hardest to deal with; not because they were tough, but due to their senseless insight of anything that wasn't a norm or rule. He adjusted his techniques of persuasion to a level of comprehension that the other would highly probable get.

After long moments of hesitation, he heard what he wanted.

“…Who’s there?” _Finally_.

"Lettuce" First-morning dish, in every single meal, green texture full of disgust. The word in his mouth would finally get some employment besides being a sentence. Rather than having it in his mouth for behaving badly at the table, he will use it as impoliteness itself.

At his words, from the other side of the door, a sigh was heard. Seeing from where the noise came, the person in question was tall. _Shit._

“Alright…” he paused. At this point, if he quitted, it wouldn’t be so strange. “Lettuce who?”

He almost yelled but contained himself at the last moment.

“Lettuce out, we’re overflowing!”.

“What? I don’t under– “

_Knock knock_

“Little mister, if there’s a problem you must tell me now, otherwise– “he tried to open the door. From the other side, he panicked. If the gate was opened, he would be so screwed. Not only he hadn't done his job, but his room was a complete mess and he still had on what his father considered shameless clothing full of disgrace. _I need a distraction_.

"Wait, I just gotta go to the bathroom…” so many excuses on his mind and he said the most common, brainless one. After all, Nagachika’s attention was running wild and there were some things that even he couldn't afford. Like telling reliable lies while he was getting short of ideas.

_Knock knock_

The older man was about to start talking, but he interrupted him again screaming _wrong answer_ and _you’re pissing me off_ , along with other unintelligible words.

_Knock knock_

“Who’s there?” this time the response was quick, almost as if from the other side the person was scheming something in exchange of finishing whatever this was. That or they were getting mad from his behavior. He didn’t care, though.

“Claire”

“Claire who?”

That was it. He hoped it would work.

“Claire the way, I’m coming through!” he shot the door with all of his body forward, aiming for the other’s face. And certainly, the hit was hard enough to get the watcher unconscious. His body was big, dark-haired and in a suit. He had never seen him before.

Or maybe he did but forgot; after all, the uniform wasn’t that striking. For all he cared, everyone working for his father looked exactly the same: a bunch of penguins with different haircuts. The only funny thing about them were their toys, which he was prohibited to touch or even look in thanks to some minor experiences that almost got him killed. Nonetheless, he started to push the body inside his room and closed the door carefully after. A lot of things could happen from this point onwards, but it still needed to look like he never left the room. Surely, a body outside his door would get attention.

 _Now, gotta go fast._ He walked at an awkward pace, nor too slow but definitely not fast; trying to be soundless with his feet. The fact that the house was busy with guests was in his favor; so far, he hadn't stepped into anyone. However, little by little, every breath he took was getting sharper.

The best way out of the house would be taking the shortcut in the backyard. After all, it was connected to the forest, his precious playground since he could form a reasonable thought, and he would only have to jump a few meters wall to get there. The problem was that his mother would be near, and even though the garden was wide, the risk of her seeing him was more than palpable. Worst case scenario, his duty grows exponentially into writing a complete book while doing a thousand crunches.

Not so sure about the physical part of the punishment, he stepped warily outside, gathering all of his surroundings in less than a minute with a single glance. Comprehending that the coast was clear, he started to run as fast as his legs permitted him. He could almost taste the satisfaction of reaching the wall until he savored it literally on his mouth.

 _Shit, I got distracted._ After bumping straight into the wall, the sudden shot of adrenaline left him. Though his nose wasn't broken, he betted that there will be bruises tomorrow; and finding funny how sometimes you get slapped in the face by the things you yearned, he got up and commenced the not so difficult task of climbing the last obstacle to his freedom.

Four short tenacious movements later and he was out. And even though he descended not so gracefully, joy overwhelmed himself and he couldn’t stop his lips curving into a smile. A real one. After all, it just felt amazing how the breeze was touching him, the air was tasting in his nose and how his eyes were full of colors of the almost evening.

 

* * *

 

As if he was a newborn baby among the trees, he walked shyly into the woods, touching ever so slightly with his tips the trunks details, while trying to record the feeling of his hands forever on his memory. After a few steps, everything was just as he remembered; green meadows of heaven enriched with the flavor of spring, along with dancing flowers followed by the wind encompassing a song.

He hadn't gone too far, but his body was tired after so much effort put on getting him out. Although he went to endless training on a regular basis, physical abilities had never been his forte; out of that, his mother constantly argued with him for being lazy on the matter. To the exception of his incredible genes, which came by with some significant advantages, he was the same as any other kid of his age. Laying on the grass, he decided not to think of anything; neither the consequences his acts might cause nor the feeling of betrayal towards his father. He allowed his mind to wander and express the emotions that, regarding other circumstances, he would never be able to feel in fear of being seen as weak. Reflecting on it now, maybe he was.

If he just had the courage of being a coward, escaping from himself would be easier; because another person would take over him. That knot in his throat won’t threaten to choke him at any second, and he would be able to breathe his nights one more time.

“I missed you," he said to the forest.

He didn’t recognize his own sorrow. Yet, there were already tears flowing through his cheeks. Falling into the green void of his sadness, he felt embarrassed; at the same time a shiver went through his spine and he got angry at himself. _Shit, I can’t…_

“Are you okay?” the sudden voice made him jump. It was soft, almost like a whisper.

He turned his head to finally see the figure. A boy with black hair, he thought around his age, was staring at him with concern. Though heat waves had blurred his eyes, something was able to catch his attention: the other was wearing an eyepatch.

"Yeah, I'm just allergic, you know? To pollen and stuff," he said while rubbing his eyes. Also, he smiled to enforce his words. It was fake, though.

“…Okay” and he got silent. His gaze dropped, and if he had more things to say, his mouth just swallowed it. The minutes went by and neither of them was saying anything.

 _This is getting awkward, what’s wrong with me?_ “How rude of me! I didn’t introduce myself!” short laughs followed. He hated how the boy had been uncomfortable because of him. After all, talking to people was his specialty; being the one others made fun off served him just right for his purpose. To get people be at ease, carefree with him. Make them smile. He lived for that.

"I'm…" he thought of it better and saw how stupid it would be to give out his last name; even if such unknown person was merely a boy. For starters, if the other was a ghoul, it would be like asking to be killed. He knew that despite his family had lessened the battles, the war against the ghouls had never ended. In addition, even within humans, there had been people who were against them; being fear or envy the motives, oppositions happened every once in a while. Instead, he simply said how he would like it to be.

“…Hide” Just his name was more than enough for him. And sometimes, he wished it was like that for others too.

“Kaneki” this time, the sounds acquired presence. They remained soft but no longer lower in murmurs.

“So…” the blond regained his confidence “do you want to become friends with me?” And this time he truly smiled, with eyes curving and a little of snot in his nose from previous crying.

“Er…Um…” Kaneki fidgeted with his finger and Hide almost laughed. _This guy’s weird._

"What! You don't?!" he yelled and the other seemed on the verge of exploding, with both cheeks and ears shaded deeply in different tones of red.

“That’s not… I want to!” the dark haired boy declared with emotion.

“Really?!” he didn’t believe it. Had he just made a friend in the middle of nowhere after drowning in tears? This place was beyond any doubt amazing. Magical, even. “Alright!”

“Yeah…” and the feint of a grin nearly formed in Kaneki’s lips. He observed him better now, with plain clothing and gentle features. The only notable thing about him was the eyepatch.

“Did you” he covered his left eye with a hand “have an accident or something?” As always, Hide was curious. He had seen many similar injuries among the people who worked with his father; long scars invaded the faces of many, and some of them intertwined with the place in which normally a person would have his sight. So he wondered if Kaneki was similar.

The other gave the impression of being taken by surprise but composed himself quickly afterwards. "Something like that…" he confessed after a pause. Averting his eyes one more time, slowly, he sat next to Hide at an appreciable distance. _He doesn’t want to talk about it._

Maybe Kaneki had some bad memories related with his left eye. And Hide understood, not wanting to bring back to life that from the past. At the end of the day, he also had many of them.

They remained silent; but unlike the first time, this one wasn’t unpleasant. Both of them were appreciating the forest's lack of noise, how the sun was being absorbed by the horizon until the final rays died and light depended alone on the stars.

After a while, one of them eventually interrupted the feeling and spoke.

”Then, Hide” the other moved his head to face him “Do you…do you like the forest?”

He didn’t expect that. From all the questions that he couldn’t answer, that one was actually really simple. “I do, yeah” He felt grateful towards Kaneki’s tries of socializing and choosing easy topics to talk to; because the other didn’t seem used to ask questions or initiate conversations on his own accord.

“Why?” that he didn’t know. More likely, he just had never put deep thought into it. The atmosphere here was fine, and he had treasured it since he was young. For him, it was all that mattered.

“You could say that I’m really fond of the trees” he planned to finish it in that, but after seeing how Kaneki’s focus was completely around him, he thought otherwise. _He’s trying his best though he’s shy. I should be doing the same._ “I used to come often with my mom to play, and even alone to explore or catch some adventures” he made a pause. Looking around him, he could still see his past-self running in circles, imagining how much his mother battled with keeping him clean. Surely, that had involved a lot of effort. “There was this time in which I followed a rabbit, only to get myself into a hole and starve to death until my brother found me” the other laughed. Indeed, it was a dumb story. After all, how could someone fall so easily into the trap of some animal?

But it happened.

“I don’t get it– “he chuckled “–why did you follow the rabbit?”

At the time, it sounded smart, to follow the little creature throughout thick grass and plants. The animal seemed lonely, and he was too. They could make company to each other, or so he thought before getting isolated in a void full of dust.

”I…” _honesty, Hide, it’s too late to retract_ “I didn’t want him to die”. Kaneki didn’t ask further.

”Also, I identify myself in trees sometimes. Weird, isn’t it?” He bumped the other’s shoulder with his elbow, somewhat grinning.

”N-not at all”.

They kept talking about Hide’s stories as a child until it got too late for them to be out. Although both of them were amazed by how fast the time had passed, they were completely sure that if the situation was different, they could stay like this for hours. But they had already crossed the bedtime frontier; a moon blooming in the sky confirmed that statement. He would be killed if he hadn’t returned before midnight; considering that at the moment, perhaps Mrs. Nagachika was visiting all of his friends in order to find him, while his father searched for him with a whole tracking team in action. Kaneki’s situation could be similar, and he didn’t want his friend to get in trouble.

”We need to leave. It’s really late already, don’t you think?” never had he wanted to stop his words in mid-sentence as much as he was now. He didn’t even want to move in fear of making the moment disappear. There was also the risk of never meeting Kaneki again if he left, and he had to make sure that wouldn't happen.

His face overshadowed before answering. “Yes…they might be worried”. He looked for Hide’s eyes as if they were going to vanish. As if it would be the last time he could drown himself inside them and see his reflection. “H-hide, I– “

“Let’s meet again on Sunday!” watching Kaneki anxious made him eager to give the first push. It was unsettling, that state of his when they were supposed to start building some trust. In spite of knowing each other only for a day, he already wanted to gain Kaneki’s confidence; therefore, that he couldn’t speak freely in front of the blond bothered him a little.

After being startled for a second, he smiled widely before saying cheerfully “That would be nice, thanks”.

”No need of being grateful. You’re too polite!” he grabbed the other’s pale palm, attempting a handshake. Hide’s formal grip made both of them laugh. "Did you know that you're funny? On your own way, of course. Maybe, next time we could play more instead of talk about my failures!" he said while starting to take off slow-paced. However, when he reached the end of the meadows, he turned to see Kaneki and wave him goodbye.

“Sure. I'll see you, then" rather than using his hands like the blond, he just left it in that; following Hide’s smirk until his body vanished in between the woods. Soon afterwards, Kaneki departed in the opposite direction.

Hide walked away mesmerized with the evening’s unaccounted turn of events. He could still feel Kaneki’s fingers on his palm, trying to make a strong grip out of such delicate hand. _It’s supposed to be cold at this hour; if it wasn’t for my jacket, I would be freezing!_ He thought while frowning slightly. The air smelled as wetted earth with a little scent of white carnations. The wall was visible already.

_Then…how’s his hand so warm?_

 

* * *

 

His body moved on its own, doing the operation of climbing as if it was innate knowledge. What surprised him the most was not seeing anyone on the other side to scold him. As he expected, the backyard was already empty of his mother’s guests; but knowing his parents, at least it was supposed to be someone guarding that side of the house. His senses sharpened searching for footsteps, chairs moved out of place, subtle lights in the wrong spot; any odd sign that could help him maneuver his thoughts better.

”Something's wrong…" he declared at the same tame he slipped inside the house. It wasn't as if, during his absence, somebody attacked the family. Everything was neatly cleaned and organized, just as it was when he left. The same corridors, pictures on the wall, the whole thing was just as he remembered it. Still, Hide felt on edge; as if instead of this being his normally cherished household, he was running straight into the wolves’ mouth. “Hideyoshi Nagachika”. Certainly, he had already hit the fangs.

“M-mom?” He saw her standing outside of his room, bullets instead of eyes and face of steel. He had never understood why people feared his father so much. For him, his mother was the most intimidating one out of the pair. “Hey–“nervous laugh. _Crap. Why…Why me?_ “What’re you doing awake at this hour? I was just running some errands” She straightened and crossed her arms, all while glaring at him with disdain. That was it. The _pose_.

His cognitive abilities left him and he started to babble, a thousand words flowing per second. “I’m sorry I promise I didn’t do anything wrong. You know how da– I mean, father is. I don’t understand his unfounded hatred towards the color orange. Or yellow. Or me wearing pink slippers. I'm sorry that I didn't finish my work– how am I supposed to write down an essay so large? I can’t even stay put in my room for more than two hours without dying. I-I–"and she was embracing him. Hide had already cried his guts out in the forest. If it wasn't for that, he would probably be dampening his mother's dress right now. About eighty thousand yen ruined in tears. “I saw you jumping that fence” from where? He double checked before leaving and there was nobody around. Whether his mother had an eagle’s eyes or he was deceived by his senses, he didn’t know. Nevertheless, he was dumbfounded by his mother’s scrutiny.

”We’re not mad. You father was impressed by how you knocked out a second rank investigator. Koutarou-san isn’t happy, though…” she said while caressing his hair. _So the giant was Koutarou, huh?_ He would be sure of apologizing later. Having a child outfight you with a door surely wouldn’t look good on his resume. “I’m surprised that you didn’t break it. Only a few cracks on the surface”.

”I didn’t intend to–” his mother silenced him putting a finger on his lips. She smiled.

”I just would have liked you to tell me, that’s all” she began while fixing Hide’s clothes tenderly. “I could have talked to your father and change the sentence to physical endurance. In that way, we would have been able to go out if that was what you wanted. Leaving alone like that, I–" she dropped a sigh and her face contracted. Without warning, she patted him heavily on the head with a book.

”A-ahh!” his hands went square to where the hit landed, trying to appease the feeling. “It hurts!” _From where did she get it? The library’s far away from here!_ Another one of his mother capabilities, to his misfortune. Always, perfectly getting the needed stuff out at the needed time. "You shouldn't have gone by yourself. I was worried about you!” her voice cracking while she covered her face with her hands. If tears were about to fall, she didn’t show it.

”I’m sorry mom, please, don’t cry”. Every time he saw her like that, a void in his chest formed and the beating of his heart almost left his ribcage. It destroyed him.

”She collected herself promptly, practically professional. They both hugged each other once more after that. He loved his mother deeply, and because things like that didn’t happen as often as before, he tried to fully immerse himself in his mother’s arms. Savor the moment for as long as it lasts.

His mother started to laugh, and after seeing her spark again present in her features, he felt overjoyed by the emanated brightness. That until she spoke.

”Pfff, how did you climb the wall anyways?" she took one of his arms and waved it. "These flimsy noodles have never got you up for push-ups!” giggles followed, along with Hide’s embarrassment.

Blushing, he tried to defend himself. “I can do them now! Really!” his mother saw him with a grain of salt. Maybe he should have taken more seriously his working out. If just other things hadn't put in the way of his fitted body career. Like hamburgers. “More than one now, for sure…”

”Can’t wait to see that tomorrow” she declared with satisfaction.

”What?” normally, he would run a couple laps and end his exercise practicing self-defense with low-leveled investigators. The last part usually ending in both of them playing video games in his room. In any case, his methods of persuasion were always convincing.

”You will have a new training partner, considering how much you want to go outside on your own” this was escalating fast to a place he didn’t particularly like. “Mado-san can’t neglect her duties very often, but she offered her help when she heard of you knocking out a second rank investigator. She’s still studying at the Academy, though, so I hope you can draw on from all of her knowledge”.

He didn’t have a choice; those words were now like a statement engraved in stone. Hide have talked to Akira on various occasions, saw her even during one of his father's meetings. He knew that she was outstanding in any way a future investigator could be. They weren’t friends, but more than acquaintances after he heard her say how she felt high expectations upon her shoulders due to his father’s position, and he told her he felt the same.

”If I do that…” nothing to lose with asking, he thought. _I have to make sure of going out this Sunday._ “Will I be allowed of visiting the meadows? I don’t know, like, every weekend?” He said it.

Mrs. Nagachika looked thoughtful for an instant, and Hide wondered if he would be trapped like a soldier now. He didn’t go to school nor did he have friends outside the neighborhood. Because of his father, he was homeschooled and trained separately to follow a singular path. His mother knew him better and allowed him every once in a while to lack of physical endeavor. He was confident that she wouldn't be influenced by his father like everyone else was, and turn him into a machine; but maybe his father's control prevailed after years of struggling for dominance, ending with today’s assertion regarding his future.

”We will see” she never talked without purpose, so Hide took that as a promising response. "Thank you," he said when his mother opened the door and put him on the bed. She left after turning the lights off.

Filled with his room’s shadows, he closed his eyes. The covers absorbed him, and he let his form relax on the mattress. He smelled of sweat and the dirt on his body was making it itchy, but he didn’t mind. The events of the day were taking their toll, and Hide’s tiredness couldn’t stop that.

 _At least now I don’t have to deliver that stupid essay,_ he thought before abandoning himself to the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** Kaneki entered the coffee shop almost at midnight. The way from the meadows wasn’t exactly long, but he managed to make out of a thirty minutes’ walk something that took him nearly two hours. He couldn’t help it, though; his mind was in another place and his body just kept following those ridiculous thoughts. He fell awfully often after bumping into numerous trees or tripping over roots that came out of nowhere.
> 
>  _What’s happening to me?_ He was afraid of the answer.


	2. Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** ”We will see” she never talked without purpose, so Hide took that as a promising response. "Thank you," he said when his mother opened the door and put him on the bed. She left after turning the lights off.
> 
> Filled with his room’s shadows, he closed his eyes. The covers absorbed him, and he let his form relax on the mattress. He smelled of sweat and the dirt on his body was making it itchy, but he didn’t mind. The events of the day were taking their toll, and Hide’s tiredness couldn’t stop that.
> 
>  _At least now I don’t have to deliver that stupid essay,_ he thought before abandoning himself to the night.

Kaneki entered the coffee shop almost at midnight. The way from the meadows wasn’t exactly long, but he managed to make out of a thirty minutes’ walk something that took him nearly two hours. He couldn’t help it, though; his mind was in another place and his body just kept following those ridiculous thoughts. He fell awfully often after bumping into numerous trees or tripping over roots that came out of nowhere.

 _What’s happening to me?_ He was afraid of the answer. 

His heart was beating like crazy. It surprised him that the door was unlocked and the lights were still on because they tended to close the shop at ten. However, he felt endangered somehow, only to find two eyes on him shortly after. They were red, so he gulped. 

“You better have a good reason for being late. Yoshimura made me wait for– What the fuck?!” the last words were rough, clearly shouting for an explanation. Kaneki wondered if, in the short lapse of his arrival, he was transformed into a bug by some great nature that was above his understanding; just like in that book that he loved to read. He had never seen her wear that expression, and only a force of overwhelming power could be the cause. 

“Why are you holding like a thousand dandelions?” She approached him and took one of those tiny, little flowers. 

He looked down only to freak out over his arms’ dazzling yellow, and blinded by it the air suddenly filled with lots and lots of flying petals. To the girl’s despair, every corner seemed to be covered; moreover, Kaneki felt like puking while the atmosphere sweetened and overflowed with color. “You’re just...” he could just feel the hit on his face already, but something truthfully unexpected happened instead. 

“–unbelievable!” the girl laughed and the color was now on him. 

He couldn’t remember himself picking those flowers, even less the fact of bringing them home; throughout all of the way, the only thing that had been bothering him was someone’s figure. But now, with the mess that was his brain portrayed on the floor, everything punched him in the face more painfully than anything else as he acknowledged his actions. Kaneki was embarrassed to the core. 

“Touka-chan! That’s n-not–" he couldn't even afford a few words on his defense. Kaneki was incapable of mustering the courage to say that he unconsciously gathered flowers because they reminded him of his newly made friend. That explanation itself was more awkward than the action, so he saved it. 

Nonetheless, it wasn’t exactly his fault. How could he simply forget a guy in such clothing? Not even the traffic staff, whose neon vests he saw often on the streets, had left him with that much of an impression. When they met he was crying, and those tears burned him just like ice. Along the way, the other caressed him in waves, as if he was in front of a bonfire, in a blaze. Kaneki experienced an indescribable feeling. What got him there was the particular smell of the boy, but he found himself immersed in his being as a whole. Hide was more than brilliant dyes for the eyes. He was _iridescent_.

After a few minutes of heavy breathing and Touka’s attempts of suffocating herself with giggles sounds finally freed from his mouth. 

“I just got carried away”, he said while trying to be convincing “…that’s all”. 

They stayed like that until she recovered from the laughter and got back to her normal self, a grin being the only thing that was out of frame. “I never thought of you as a player," she said while smoothing her waitress uniform as if it wasn't completely astounding for him to hear.

Kaneki was about to protest saying that it takes more than that to be considered as such, but her knee was already on his stomach, stopping any trail of a complaint. "If you don't want to have to clean this on your own, take the broom for once and start working” he heard at the same time he was crouching on the floor. _For some reason, she’s being…kind?_ After all, he knew Touka, so he recognized that instead of being unyielding the hit had been rather conventional. 

Both of them were in silence, focused on their own tasks. Kaneki kept repeating her words internally, moving in autopilot. _If they're the same person, I'm not a player…I'm not…_ not understanding why the idea bothered him was unusual. Overthinking things was kind of a part of his life at this point, but his thoughts were commonly self-destructive. This time around, though, he wasn’t accepting the teasing. Despite being something ridiculous, he didn’t like the idea of playing with Hide. Neither his pride nor his dignity was the reason; degrading not himself but the blonde’s gentle intentions were. 

They finished quickly afterwards, experienced enough to get everything neat as a result of their daily routines. He realized that Touka was staring at him, but if she wanted to say something, she didn’t ask further. 

"Don't forget the lights", she added rather than saying goodnight and went upstairs. Like that, Kaneki was left alone; putting the broom, rags and similar cleaning objects in their corresponding place. He was considering whether to prepare himself a cup of coffee or go and have his well-deserved sleep. School tomorrow was a sure thing, so he went ahead with the last one. 

He reached his room, gave himself a look in the mirror and saw that there were still petals who refused to leave his hair alone. With a sigh, while touching his reflection the flip of his strands made one of the leaves drop. 

“I barely know him, then why…” anxiously, he perceived his left eye’s change; black turning in crimson red. Both of his hands went straight to cover it. 

Helplessly, he continued his words in silence. _Why’s he still on my mind?_ A tear that seemed to be wine followed that concern. His body felt feeble, on the verge of something greater than himself. 

_”You don’t deserve to be crying”_ he heard the gaunt voice say. Kaneki was freezing at this point.

_Stop, you’re not–_

_“You’re unworthy of shedding those tears” _it was quiet but spacious, like echoes within a cave.__

_Shut up._ He was trembling and had to support himself on the sink to not fall. 

_“You’ll ruin it all”_ and Hide’s smile appeared as an afterthought. Like that, he finally collapsed on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Even though his burden was gone the moment the light spread, the harm was done already and there wasn’t something that he could do to change that. 

_I won’t…_ his feet had never been this heavy while attempting to stand, making it such an exhausting task. When he was finally facing himself again in the mirror, he almost yelled. 

“I won’t let you do that!” Breathing heavily, he became fully aware of his eye getting back to normal. Kaneki was soaked in sweat, so he bent down and washed his face. After he dried off with a towel, it didn’t surprise him to see the petals. 

Tired, Kaneki just accepted the yellow in the dark of his head and got into his pajamas. Nonetheless, before losing his conscience completely, he saw a note with delicate handwriting glued to the window. 

_Tomorrow, we will talk_ it said. 

 

* * *

 

From his toes he felt a shivering sensation, so he tried to change his position and sleep facing the wall instead of his room. Also, the chirping of the birds was strangely loud this morning; as if the source of the sound was next to his ears. 

"Wake up or I'll sue you", she said politely. He only grabbed his blankets and immersed himself more in the bed. The feeling grew as he tried to sleep soundly again, almost reaching his knee. The burden became an actual pain in a matter of seconds.

“Don’t say that I didn’t warn you” and those words felt like shockwaves going through his body. He jumped and his head hit the headboard, blurring his conscience even more. He wouldn’t dare to say that he was screaming; because his mouth was closed and therefore, silent. Even though his throat was in agonizing pressure, cries weren’t leaving his chords. It was as if they were going backwards, rather than being shouted they were being shut. 

“I’m dying!” he was finally able to say, stopping himself from imploding. With a thud, he fell face first to the ground. The soreness disappeared as well, so he gathered the courage to look upwards. Terrified, he saw that the woman in front of him had a taser. 

She was inspecting her device curiously when a smirk formed on her lips. “More than five milliamps without fainting”, and then her eyes met his. “Fairly impressive” she concluded. 

“Akira, just what the hell–” the air left his lungs more harshly than usual. 

“It’s Mado-san for you, Nagachika", she said while helping him stand. "Training starts promptly at five, yet you’re not even ready” she watched him stare at his banana boxers and blush. Hide was some half-naked blondie mess at this point, with his hair spiking in weird angles and the burning on his face invading his shoulders. 

“I’m so– “she interrupted him again. He was cursing the weather for making him strip during the night. Maybe if he had on a shirt, his shorts, something, Akira wouldn’t be furious. 

“You’re late so, don’t expect me to be merciful” and with that, she left the room. He changed quickly and followed soon after. 

A few series full of squats and fifty laps later, he was already regretting his life choices. “I can’t–“perspiration was flowing through his body like a river. –breath!” Having only eaten a sandwich in a rush, his stomach growled in despair. “Nonsense” he felt a weight on his back “you call that a push-up? Give me five more” whatever it was, surely was heavy. 

If he had just woken up early, he would have had enough time to eat a decent meal. Moreover, he would have taken even a shower so he wouldn’t feel squalid in every sense of the word. 

“Your mother was clear in not interfering with your normal schedule", Akira said while he was a throbbing mess of limbs aching on the floor. "Let's end it here today”, out of nowhere she handed him a drink. And it tasted like liquefied glory.

“Thanks, A–Mado-san!” Hide felt renewed while the water was smoothening his insides. As if rain had just come after a long period of severe drought. 

“We have a lot to improve, Nagachika” she patted him on the head. “I hope you can show me a better performance tomorrow”. 

Even though they were far, Hide could see Seidou laughing his ass off from inside the windows. He was mentally working out different ways of getting payback when Akira noticed his uneasiness. 

“Don’t mind him” her eyes were unwavering, firmly put on her prey. “He’ll deal with me later on”, Akira´s expression was villainous, keen on destroying the other’s will of existence. Hide made a mental note of not getting on her bad side never again if he wanted to reach adulthood mentally and bodily sane. 

He pretended to laugh while Akira spread some ravenous and terrifying kind of aura, which was unlikely to the environment. Because the sun was settled highly on its place, welcoming a day full of chances, anyone could feel the motivation or eagerness to achieve on their veins. That was how it was normally at the CCG, where everyone had goals and ways to approach them. A purpose in life, as they called it. Daily, they followed different paths expecting to get answers; anything that could be practical for their investigations. 

Hide had had more than enough, though. He left Akira in her thoughts and asked his mother the only question that truly mattered:

“What’s for breakfast?” 

 

* * *

 

Even though he struggled to get out of bed that morning, here he was, sitting in his chair at school. The only motivation that had got him so far was the possibility of finding his new friend among the junior high students. There weren’t a lot of middle schools near the forest, so he was hopeful.

During the break, much to his discomfort he picked up a glance into every classroom and got tricked several times by golden-haired people. He was getting discouraged, starting to seriously consider the prospect of the other being sick and at home; nevertheless, he didn’t give up. 

“Aneki, what’s gotten into him?” said a boy with relatively long black hair. 

“I don’t know” Touka answered. After watching his brother with the book still closed on his hands, she glared at him. “Shouldn’t you be studying for your exams instead of stalking Kaneki?” the other only turned his back on her. “Ayato, I’m serious”, she grabbed his shoulder and made him face her. “You’re about to fail!” He raised a brow, inquisitively, only to roll his eyes afterwards. She was about to protest but he stopped her in mid-sentence. 

“Maybe he’s searching for someone?” he said while she averted his gaze and went through her notes with some textmarker. Though Touka seemed annoyed, the conversation continued after a few seconds. 

“…I bet he’s searching for flowers.” Perhaps if she went along with him, Ayato would at least open his book. 

“Huh?” dumbfounded, he saw her contemplating whether she was being poetic or idiotic. Touka was barely approving literature, so it could be only the other way around. That or she was mad. 

Ayato awkwardly stood up and left the classroom while she persisted on reading her lectures in between sighs. 

The second period arrived along with Kaneki’s disappointment. The last classes passed by in a blur, with him being more like a ghost than a person. Thus, intrigued by Hide’s unknown identity, he departed. 

An old man greeted him once he was at the coffee shop. Friday's were usually tiring days for him because he had to work both as student and waiter. As usual, Anteiku was overflowing with people at this hour, so he was about to prepare himself mentally for the task when he saw someone who commonly was free already attending the clients.

“Manager–“

“Your shift will be covered by Nishiki", he said much to the other’s displeasure. 

“Follow me” and Kaneki did. 

They went upstairs and sat in front of each other, black coffee already blowing little clouds of steam on the table. He wasn’t afraid of the other man’s questions. Yoshimura was someone who took him in when everyone else didn’t. Besides his kindness and great coffee making abilities, what he admired the most was the fact that he had searched for a way to live in peace with humans and had actually found it. Both highway cliffs and tall forests shrubs served as food sources now, where suicide victims laid and their bodies remained hidden. Most of the ghouls in the 20th ward weren’t hunting anymore because of that. 

"It's good, thank you", he said after sipping his drink. Yoshimura smiled.

“Kaneki, you’ve been here for more than two months now” he still had vividly on his mind the image of Yomo fighting Kanou’s failed experiments, and the old man’s open hand directed to him as he was a crying mess on the floor. “I would like to think that you feel comfortable with living here”, that was true. Those two years in Kanou’s lab had been hell for him. Anteiku was the home he desperately wanted during those days full of misery. Here, he got himself a family. He was no longer alone. 

He only nodded. “Anyone in this house supports the other, as you have seen so far”. His first moments as part of the staff had been hard. He and Touka just couldn’t get ahold of the other, Nishiki kept bothering him to no end and his work as a waiter didn’t seem to improve. Compared to before, Kaneki knew that he was better, physically and emotionally speaking. But the nightmares persisted, so he used to go outside instead of sleeping, trying to find solace in the woods. At that time, the nights were for him something that served as a distraction, almost special; the shadows within him were brightened by the moonlights, aiding him on getting tiny bits of rest.

Nowadays, he wasn’t doing it often. As he became more attached to Anteiku, kind of befriending Touka and realizing that Nishiki’s behavior was naturally distressing, the bad dreams decreased in number. Little by little, he learned from others how to make decent coffee and defend himself against meager threats. They had helped him now that he was a part of them, and for that he was grateful. 

“Kaneki, let us help you” from the face he could see that Yoshimura was worried. “What led you to Kanou?” that name was enough to release the quivering of his hands. He felt needles of pain spreading throughout his body, and all of a sudden the air in his lungs wasn’t enough. “Is that why you keep leaving the house at night?" 

It wasn’t like he didn’t remember; the thought of it was painful enough to make him forget a few things, but he could still get most of it out of his subconscious. Kaneki left the cup on the table and tried to appease his mind. 

_He’s right, they need to know…_ he thought of Hinami, the little girl whose affection he obtained rather quickly considering she only visited every once in a while; of Irimi and Kenji’s teasing about him getting a girlfriend each time a girl around his age passed through the door, of the Kirishima’s ill temper and how he argued more often than he would like with both siblings, of Nishiki’s slight tendency for blasphemy and finally of Yomo’s amazing dedication even regarding simple tasks like preparing the coffee machine. All of them had become important, reaching for him when he tried to find answers amidst loneliness. They had helped him, guided him on this new lifestyle which he had been imposed. More than anything, they cared. 

_They deserve to know_ , and with that, he revived the beginning of his tragedy.

“My parents had just been fighting when she appeared” his voice was cracking but he endured it. “Her eyes were red along with something on her back. She...went for my father first, who was on the ground. Then my mother. After that, my stomach was pierced and I–“the excruciating agony that came along the foreign object going through his abdomen made him stop. Surrounded by blood, he felt the absence of his insides threatening with more than ending his life. Something was draining him without restraint, clouding his senses until he was barely on his feet. 

He felt _empty_. “A crashing sound followed and I saw her under beams before losing my conscience”. The older man was thinking, waiting for a proper moment to speak. Since Kaneki had started to talk, his eyes had never looked upwards, so he wasn’t able to see that every word he had said had hurt Yoshimura as well. His wounds were being shared and he didn’t even notice it. 

_“You were going to be killed by your mother”_ , the voice quietly said. _You’re wrong, Rize is not my mother_ he ferociously declared. His mother had been benevolent, graced by a tenderness that became a grudge as it was the cause her health kept deteriorating. She embraced the pain of others humbly; his father concerned as she was getting sick by it. Kaneki couldn’t stand such vulgar accusations towards someone as immaculate as his mother. He was losing it until Yoshimura got him out of his internal crusade. 

He patted him on the shoulder and Kaneki noticed that his grip was strong. “I–" he sounded remorseful. _Why?_ “…do not have the words to tell you how sorry I am–" his attention was fading, interfering with Yoshimura’s speech. _The fault isn’t yours_ “–was part of that hatred before, the never ending fight between humans and ghouls, so I feel responsible for your parents who were murdered by–“ _No_.

At some point, the older man took him into an embrace, but Kaneki wasn’t crying. Not anymore. _It’s all mine_. If he had been wiser, suggested another place to go out for dinner, his parents could have survived and would be with him now. If he had been stronger, they might have been able to escape. He was full of regrets that nourished the darkness of his mind. 

He owed Yoshimura tremendously, so he wanted to end this properly. For both of their sakes, he forced himself to continue. The closure was necessary. 

“I ended up in a hospital, and that’s where I met Kanou. He was my…” how to define in a word someone unbearable? He licked his lips attempting to find words. 

“Doctor”. Kaneki was abducted by him, only to be experimented on and have the organs of the woman who killed both of his parents transplanted into him. She was taken by him too, and there he learned her name: Kamishiro Rize. 

She was held captive under different circumstances; compared to her, Kaneki was free. The atrocities that he saw in that lab made him loathe researchers, tests, anything scientifically related. After all, what was the point in pursuing knowledge if it will only be used for bringing harm? 

The older man remained still at his words. “I encountered you after and was brought to Anteiku” that part of the story the other knew it already, but he had to confirm it. For himself. For his peace of mind. 

Yoshimura understood. Kaneki still wondered what might have happened to Rize, but never dared to ask. Whether he was too young to know or incapable of assimilating that information, Yoshimura had never told him even though he saw Yomo taking her with them. It was a question that he decided to maintain unanswered. 

Both were watching the other’s actions in silence when they heard a knocking through the door. Without waiting for a response, Touka entered. 

“Manager! Nishio’s disgustingness appears to have upgraded again and the clients seem to be really bothered by it and I–Kaneki you lazy bastard better start getting your ass downstairs before–!”

“Enough” her rampage went overboard at an unreasonable speed and finished equally fast by Yoshimura’s grave expression. “I’ll judge that behavior myself, Touka. Remember what we talked about”, Kaneki could touch with his fingers the tension inside the room. He saw her face turn into a scowl. 

“…’right”, she said while looking down at her feet. Her hands were clenching. 

“Kaneki” he nearly jumped when the other addressed him. “I’ll go and check the shop. You can stay in here if you want”, Yoshimura was being considerate towards his state of mind. He wasn’t exactly capable of dealing with people at the moment, but he could say that he was fine. The trembling had stopped. 

He was left alone with Touka. “I’ll go and change into my unifo–“

“Did you find it?” she said abruptly. _What?_

“You were searching for something at school” he gulped. Kaneki gave the impression of being an open book for everyone. Everyone but himself. “Or rather…someone?” his panic betrayed him. 

“No! You’re w-wrong, it was some-ething, someth–ugh!” his stuttering awoke Touka’s real intentions. 

“You know the risks of befriending a human”. They all knew about Nishio’s sister, who died by the hands of someone she trusted. Even though they maintained a low profile, the few times they had to compromise in human interaction weren’t even enough to create a relationship of that nature. Every time, they ended up as less than acquaintances. However, avoiding profound bonds outside their ghoulish community wasn't a difficult thing for Kaneki, who was more likely an introverted person. It hadn’t been a problem until now. 

_How does she know?_ His nose was better than hers so, if he had brought Hide’s scent to their home he would have perceived it before her. Not getting quite well how she figured everything out, Kaneki realized it would be pointless to try to deny it. 

“He doesn’t know” _will never know_ , he thought, “So it’s fine”. He made emphasis on the last word, challenging the girl to say otherwise. Kaneki didn’t know from where the strength had come, though; he was sagaciously thinking of all her possible comebacks, measuring the battlefield. Touka was cracking her knuckles in amusement. It was too late to call for withdrawal. 

Her face overshadowed. “That’s good, because–” she grabbed him by the collar and looked straight into his eyes. Kaneki didn’t falter. “The moment he knows…” Touka’s gaze became flames glowing amidst the gloom of her eyes. Kaneki felt his own change under the eyepatch. He wouldn’t let her win, not when there was this much at stake. 

“He’s dead”. 

 

* * *

 

Sunday came eventually and with it Kaneki’s exhaustion. Anxiously, he realized how badly organized his meeting with Hide was when he didn’t know at which hour he was supposed to leave. He was afraid of making the other wait for him, so he left after having breakfast. More like coffee flavored with brown cubes of sugar than a normal breakfast but, in any case, he ran nonstop until he reached the meadows. 

There he stood until his legs went numb and made him lie down in the grass. He didn’t have a clock, yet he felt the hours passing by through his skin. Kaneki’s body told him that the afternoon was approaching with sweat. 

He was lamenting himself about not bringing a bottle of water when he perceived a swift change in the environment. The tingling sensation in his nose filled him with excitement. That aroma. _Hide_.

Determining whether to approach him or being approached, Kaneki got up and glanced at his surroundings. The light was reflected on the moisture of the trees, creating droplets of aerial rainbows. Everything in here seemed to be ignorant of the outsiders’ disgrace, both animals and vegetation cohabiting in harmony. Without a doubt, the forest as a whole was beautiful. That’s why it startled him enormously when another smell interfered with Hide’s. 

It was chasing his friend hazardously; the odor of blood, the feeling of a ghoul. Kaneki spurted and raced in that direction. He was terrified. 

_Please, don’t–_ the branches were scratching his arms, creating insignificant wounds for a body of his kind. Still, it burned him with ache. _Don’t hurt him!_ He was screaming internally while different scenarios in which Hide became a bloody pulp triggered his hysteria. 

_“You’ll ruin it all”_ He didn’t want the same thing to happen again. _“You’re weak”_ his hardship would be repeated again; being left behind in solitude, his personality lacking anthropocentrism. Kaneki despised the fact that at this point he was barely human. 

He reminisced his childhood, when he was himself. He had a body that he could control; he wasn’t a threat. Anteiku was precious for him but he wished he could go back to those days; in which everything was easier and he only had to worry about his grades. 

Although he was learning how to live as a ghoul, he wanted to be human. Kaneki yearned for communication, body language, things that he had only seen naturally in people. _Don’t take him away, please…_ Ghouls weren’t monsters, he was sure of that. They were humans forced to live in hell. 

Wide-eyed, he had difficulty in swallowing. Hide’s scent materialized immediately after in front of him. The smile came first, erasing all of his worries in a blur. He could count on his fingers the centimeters of the falling leaves and see the exact moment in which the blond blinked; because the world around him couldn’t keep his pace. “Yo! Kaneki–" he bumped into him and they both collapsed.

“Hide!” the pitch in his voice had increased. Both of his hands were on the other's shoulders, pressuring him onto the surface. Furthermore, dangerously near for his own good Kaneki could see that Hide’s eyelashes weren’t golden but brown. He could even swear that inside his freckles there were constellations. 

“Dude, chillax! I’m not going anywhere” the thrill of feeling his breathing through his chest was disturbing Kaneki’s nerves without repair. _I might be a monster but–_ He almost forgot what got him there in the first place. Looking down and away, he made Hide stand and blushed. “Woah–wait!” he held his hand and rushed to get him somewhere safe. 

Kaneki was dashing through the trees with a stumbling Hide. He seriously considered taking the other on his back but thought otherwise as they were getting far and the risk was out of sight. Gasping, Hide’s laughter amazed him. Though he had no idea how the other was managing to breathe in that state, it was contagious so he chuckled. 

_For you…_ the conversation started with Hide complaining about the existence of isometrics and how his favorite food had been mercilessly banished from the kitchen. His blabbering continued with accurate descriptions of the arduous task of doing planks and his bitterness towards doing the activity for more than he was capable of enduring. Kaneki merely chose to stay as a listener, beaming with delight. 

He was afraid of putting the other in danger. A ghoul and a human befriending during times of war couldn’t possibly have a happy ending. Notwithstanding, he wanted to make that selfish wish and free himself from those biological restraints. Kaneki rolled the dice and desired for a better future, where Hide wasn’t edible material and he wasn’t a homicidal beast. Unable to move, he fixed his gaze on those two orbs and drowned himself in the cinnamon of their composition. _I’ll be someone else_ , and he hung on to the idea of that being true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** “Mado-san, aren’t we supposed to get out our quinque only while encountering a ghoul?” his eyes remained still, contemplating his companion’s hands in astonishment. “There’s no one in here, not even Nagachika–”
> 
> “Amon-kun!” he pointed at him with his weapon. The other didn’t even flinch. “Do I have to remind you of Kie Maramatsu’s scheme? How you almost died because of your quinque laying on the floor?” and tilting his head sideways, Mado leaned forward.


	3. Eye of the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** _For you…_ the conversation started with Hide complaining about the existence of isometrics and how his favorite food had been mercilessly banished from the kitchen. His blabbering continued with accurate descriptions of the arduous task of doing planks and his bitterness towards doing the activity for more than he was capable of enduring. Kaneki merely chose to stay as a listener, beaming with delight.
> 
> He was afraid of putting the other in danger. A ghoul and a human befriending during times of war couldn’t possibly have a happy ending. Notwithstanding, he wanted to make that selfish wish and free himself from those biological restraints. Kaneki rolled the dice and desired for a better future, where Hide wasn’t edible material and he wasn’t a homicidal beast. Unable to move, he fixed his gaze on those two orbs and drowned himself in the cinnamon of their composition. _I’ll be someone else_ , and he hung on to the idea of that being true.

“Mado-san, aren’t we supposed to get out our quinque only while encountering a ghoul?” his eyes remained still, contemplating his companion’s hands in astonishment. “There’s no one in here, not even Nagachika–”

“Amon-kun!” he pointed at him with his weapon. The other didn’t even flinch. “Do I have to remind you of Kie Maramatsu’s scheme? How you almost died because of your quinque laying on the floor?” and tilting his head sideways, Mado leaned forward. 

“Applehead’s incident doesn’t have anything to do with trailing down a teenager who’s uncomprehended by his parents, much less with taking such measures to find him when he’s not even a ghoul”. Amon knew his past recklessness could have gotten him killed if it wasn’t for his mentor, but that didn’t justify following a boy now with the guns out as if he was some criminal. After all, Nagachika just wanted to go outside and play like any other kid of his age. 

His knuckles were getting white by the second. “The director’s overreacting– we should be undertaking real investigations not–!”

“Amon” he was looking at him wide-eyed, a hint of aggression in his gaze instead of bewilderment. “Nowadays…the knight doesn’t get to question the king and lives to tell the story”, Mado concluded with a tight-lipped smile. 

Amon’s fingers ran though his hair, short bangs moving in vain attempts of getting messy. He frowned and continued following the other through the trees, searching without rest until late hours of the evening; but no matter how much they went into the woods, they never found him. 

When both arrived and saw Nagachika, already at home, giving flowers to his mother with excitement, Amon thought that he had worried over nothing amidst Mado’s high-pitched laughter. The blond approached them and stopped, darting his eyes, in front of the taller one. 

“Koutarou-san, I–“ the boy was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, and it took him a long breath before he was able to speak again. “I’m sorry! I’ve been wanting to apologize for my actions but you weren’t here– and mom told me it wasn’t anything serious but–“ the inconsequential words weren’t reaching Amon’s ears and he was getting tired of it. He patted him on the head, breaking the rambling. 

“I’m not mad, Nagachika”, the other looked up in disbelief only to bow his head again. Both hands were crumpling his clothing with a strong grip, and Amon felt bad for being the cause. “Even though you got me good, I’ve endured worse beatings”, he kneeled because the boy was avoiding eye contact. His eyes were clouding, cheeks reddening with shame, and Amon thought that was enough. He was being honest, his suffering being the most reliable prove of that. 

“I accept your apology” Amon said with tenderness, and saw in awe how the light was once more filling Nagachika’s face. “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, your mother’s right, this is noth–“

In the heat of the moment, he was taken aback again, and no less than by the same person. He hadn’t expected to be embraced for saying those words. Blond hair was tickling his arms and he felt surprisingly embarrassed by the gesture. Therefore, being incapable of finishing his sentence Amon slapped lightly the guy’s back a few times, trying to keep his cool. 

“Thanks” he delivered for the man’s trouble while crinkling both his eyes and nose. Amon was mesmerized from Nagachika’s hugging abilities and easiness to display affection. It was weird to meet a person like that in the CCG who hadn’t left them already. 

“Your punishment’s still going, though," Mrs. Nagachika said, raising her eyebrows. Amon cleared his throat and agreed with her nodding reverently at the same time Hide crossed both hands behind his head and grinned. “You betcha!” 

He left the three adults between giggles before he could get reprimanded for his language, tripping on the stairs outrageously but avoiding his fall. His mother buried her face in her hands and sighed. "What am I going to do with him?" Amon didn’t know what to say at this point; nevertheless, Mado regained his typical enigmatic smile, so he began to talk without further delay. 

Mrs. Nagachika listened to him attentively, taking into account every word in order to make assumptions about the actions of her son. In addition, he spoke essentially methodical, resembling the conveyance of a report, maintaining his speech simple with Amon backing him up when it was necessary. At the end, she was thoughtfully scratching her chin and looking at the ceiling before referring to them once more; as if the answer was blurring and she needed to decipher it before it vanished. 

“Regardless of his father, I’d like to give him the life he wants…” and a line formed between her brows as the men were listening carefully. She was twisting the ring on her finger unconsciously. “And keeping an eye on Hide’s the only way to appease him–“ her lower lip started to tremble, making her unable to talk, and Amon felt ashamed, both his resolve and complaints leaving him abandoned after such sight. “As investigators, your hands are already full, yet he's forcing– making you stay…” he had no children whatsoever, so he couldn’t understand. It was unfair that he had judged, he thought, considering Mrs. Nagachika’s standing and how both parents were fighting over what would be the best for their child. Amon knew about how everyone had great expectations on Hide, being the director’s second son. He made sure of letting her know how _honored_ he felt, after being asked personally to take care of him. He even went so far as to promise her that he would give up his life, piercing eyes speaking as well, in order to save him if it was the case. Every citizen’s safety was important for him, Hide’s being not less. 

Mado only watched in silence. 

Despite being a little tense, Amon’s speech was comforting. He was a man of his word, whose presence tended to have weight in others. As a result, she composed herself gradually, rubbing her hands together, and continued short after. “He’s exaggerating, I know that” her voice was hardening, face being overtaken by shadows with every passing second. “Make sure Hide’s safe for a while, I believe that will suffice him”. 

Both investigators agreed with her, and after planning a few things for the upcoming days, they left. Then, she sat on the sofa wearily, with fists on her knees, fighting back tears. “How _unprofessional_ ”, she said with a broken laugh while relieving the pain that was coming from her eyes. The clock said 10:28 but she read despair. Taking a pen and writing had never been so difficult. 

_You’re still young to know the truth, why you shouldn’t leave..._ cursing her luck, she stood up and went for something to drink. She would need it if she wanted to get through this paperwork alive. 

At the end, she whispered to the empty room, the sounds echoing in her head, remaining as her only witness. “I’m such a failure as a mother”. Mrs. Nagachika saved everything neatly on her desk to the exception of a sheet that she threw to the fire. The muscles of her hand moved by memory because of how often she repeated that motion; a scar that she had engraved in herself through the ashes. 

Nonetheless, nine days passed until Hide’s father was convinced that the surveillance wasn’t needed any longer. The reports showed nothing remotely suspicious; Hide had spent there his afternoons whether reading or training, sometimes even wandering through the plants with a magnifying glass in hand, eagerly taking notes and making drawings. In all conscience, he was impressed; he had never seen him studying any subject that wasn’t mandatory, thus knowing that he was doing it now on his own accord was _delighting_. At this pace, getting him back on track would be less of a problem. 

In the 20th ward an investigator hadn’t died in more than ten years, plus, several months had passed since the last major attack had happened. Having a lot of security there seemed to be counterproductive; and because of that reason, personal from the branch office was divided amongst the areas in which ghoul activity appeared to be stronger. 

Ultimately, where the CCG’s Main Office was located the case was different, so the majority was reassigned there; leaving only remarkable researchers behind staying for protection. Having quality over numbers was their strategy, and between the ones who kept patrolling the area were Amon and Mado. Both returning to their normal activities at this point. 

“Isn’t it good?” Hide’s father said to his wife while looking intently at his son, who was stumbling while kicking a dummy under Akira’s watch. “Sooner or later, the path will be settled”, and she assented with him, fingernails digging furiously into her palm, bright red marks emerging in the form of half-moons. By the force, it would be a wonder if she hadn’t drawn any blood. 

 

* * *

 

Hide knew he was being followed the moment he left the house. Keen on losing them, he went through different paths until he encountered Kaneki and was dragged by him into some kind of cave; which would be unnoticed by the inexperienced eye in natural surroundings, being covered overall by floral walls and brushwood. More than anything it was a hole amidst bushes, spacious enough for them to hide. Nothing could disturb them there, and for that he was grateful. 

He was enjoying himself, talking with Kaneki as if they had been friends for life. But still, a piece of his mind couldn’t stop thinking about the spies that were all over him again. It bothered him greatly, and the fact that he couldn’t figure out if it was due to his mother or father’s requests was worst. 

Hide believed it was the last. Every time his intuition had told him that something was off, that man was the one involved; so much for his displeasure, he told Kaneki that he wouldn’t be able to come for the next weekend. Making up an excuse about a needed project that he had been procrastinating wasn’t hard, but lying to his friend didn’t taste good in his mouth either. The fact that he would reverently fail wasn’t a lie, though. 

Kaneki said it wasn’t a problem, of course, proceeding to ask about his whereabouts when it came to his studying. From that Hide winced, speaking nonsense to clearly evade the question, revealing only his grade and another meaningless data, which seemed to be enough to satisfy Kaneki’s intense desire to know. 

Hide wasn’t ready to speak about himself on that level. He liked how things were between them, knowing the basics, just like that. However, Kaneki told him that they were both on the same level, and Hide chuckled. 

“I thought you were a grade-schooler! _Pfftt…_ ” he said to the other’s surprise. “ _Ouch!_ Kaneki, wait! I mean, just look at your height– Just kidding! _Ahhh_ ”. Both ended up bursting in laughter, Hide because of Kaneki’s fearful tickle attack and Kaneki from watching Hide getting undone over his hands. 

Later that night, Hide lamented his decision immediately after leaving him; but understood everything when two investigators entered his home and his mother was waiting for them. He had done well, he thought; Kaneki didn’t need to know about his bodyguards, the annoying shadow, how people were watching every one of his movements behind his back. He would just freak the other out and their friendship would be over. 

So he did what he knew worst and needed to do best in order to please both of his parents: _reading_. For a time, at least, Hide would see books as means towards his freedom. Literally. 

At any rate, Hide’s grades were not quite sufficient for someone of his position. They were hardly within what was regarded as average, so he had never understood why too many had their hopes put on him. Maybe it was out of compassion, considering how everyone in his family was so outstanding while he was more like the pizza’s pineapple; some found him approving, some would ignore his existence completely or even take him out of the frame to mitigate the bad flavor. Or so he thought. 

In the middle of the disarray that’s been causing the movement of unverified ghoulish groups everywhere in the country, we got the chance to speak with 3rd Rank Ghoul Investigator Nimura Furuta, who confirmed our suspicions behind the arrangements that had been made recently inside the Comission of Counter Ghoul: 

“The CCG had received reports about conspicuous activities done by individuals in the 24th ward. According to the information, they had their faces covered in masks with designs similar to the ones of ghouls. Despite considering the increasing number of imitators amid humans, the possibility was discarded after confirming that all of them shared a common symbol in their robes, which had been present in previous cases from other wards. That cannot be a coincidence, so the organization is taking measures to find the roots of the problem in an attempt of preventing major occurrences”. 

What we were all afraid of, the ghouls’ second strike, might happen in less than we thought. “We will shoulder their deaths and bring peace to us all!” Those were their words but considering the authorities’ reactions, this might be greater than how they are making it look like. We against them once more after what it seems to be a lifetime since the last warfare. 

When will it be? That’s the only question that remains amongst us.” 

A corner of his mouth lifted after he received the news from his father. Hide hadn’t made miscalculations on his plans; his father had released him from the vigilance, just in time, before his next meeting with Kaneki could happen. Now he could go and see the other without having second thoughts. And like that, before he knew it, it didn’t pass a day where he wasn’t expecting the weekend’s arrival with enthusiasm. 

On one occasion he talked with him about what was a trending topic in Tokyo, if not in all of Japan. The population was terrified after hearing of the situations that were living other citizens in the neighboring wards. Ghouls were gathering in particular zones, forming groups, perhaps conspiring against the CCG or deciding the best way of dividing themselves the food. By any means, there were a lot of organized hunting theories spreading throughout the media. 

Hide could only laugh. 

“Hey, ‘Neki, be honest in here”, he said as soon as the sun was setting. “If you were a ghoul, would you kill those morons whose mouths only know how to spill bullshit?” Hide squinted his eyes while looking at Kaneki. “If it was my family who they were badmouthing without reason, I wouldn’t be so patient”, and he broke the wooden stick he had on hand. “ _Agh!_ Damn stupid reporters! They make me sick!” 

Kaneki flinched almost dramatically. “Y-you shouldn’t be speaking like that! Hide…” and his face contorted in a mix of bewilderment and surprise, flush creeping up his face. 

The blond closed his eyes for a little while at the same time he made strong adamants with both hands. “It just gets on my nerves, ya know? They keep on blabbering about how bad and dangerous they are that they can’t see how badly they are actually acting towards them”, he said in the middle of exasperated sighs. “It’s really frustrating!” he was frantic and Kaneki could only look at him wide-eyed. 

“I read once in the newspaper about how proudly they had saved a whole bunch of students from the deadly fate of encountering with one of those _monsters_. Apparently, a girl had shown something weird on her face– they didn’t specify what, during physical education and– Kaneki…“ he squeezed his eyes shut, glossy tears threatening to fall. “T–they… they killed the girl on the spot! She was only a child, Kaneki, a _child!_ ” Kaneki couldn’t hold himself any longer and hugged Hide tightly, both arms surrounding his body warmly, allowing Hide's head to rest on his shoulder and wet his clothes. 

Hide corresponded the gesture, not as strong as Kaneki but nonetheless getting to have a good grip out of him. “I– I don’t think that she could’ve killed someone even if she wanted to…” his voice was weakening and Kaneki with ache could hear it like a whisper. Hide would normally be embarrassed from crying, considering what he was taught, evading this kind of public emotional display unless the situation was truly unavoidable. 

But with Kaneki, it was different. 

“Hide, you can’t be sure of that, they–“ soft hair brushed his cheek when the other lifted his head and looked at him directly in the eye. 

“Six years old, Kaneki. Six goddamned years of her life couldn’t have made of her a murderer”, and his eyes swam with tears. They were dazzling and Kaneki got blinded, not knowing how to respond, how to comfort that face that was turning scarlet by the second and breaking his heart with every sob. “Because of how she was born, she was probably being fed by her parents a-and that’s not her crime… she needed to eat!” 

Hide was trembling under his embrace, so he made it tighter. His face was on his chest again and he could perceive the mumbling from the vibrations. Kaneki’s own eyes were starting to flood. “It’s so unfair, really, there has to be another way– everything was taken from her in a day and that’s just awful...” he was crumpling Kaneki’s shirt while he spoke. “It’s unfair to punish her when there are kids out there who willingly ended up with someone else’s life without even getting judged or going to jail and then she gets treated as garbage for a reason that no matter how much she tries to change it will always stay the same and–“ breathing heavily, his voice cracked. 

“It’s not right! _It’sunfair it’sunfair it’sunfair …_ “ and he kept on repeating those words, slumping into Kaneki; who held him closely for fear that he could fall. 

“No one said that life was supposed to be fair, Hide”. Kaneki’s hand was caressing the other’s head, making the golden strands move and acquire the glow of the stars. “What’s right or wrong depends on the person and, sometimes… you only have to learn to live with what you got”. 

He thought it was ironic how those words were more for himself than to alleviate his friend, and Hide strengthened his grip on Kaneki’s back as a response. Kaneki lacked the ability of soothing someone else’s mind, being himself unable to calm his own, so he hoped that whatever he was doing with Hide at the moment, he was doing it right. 

They both cried, not at any moment interrupting the contact that was happening between their bodies, trying to find comfort in the other’s presence alone. Still, Kaneki felt overwhelmed for different reasons. He didn't know when it had started, nor why, but he was becoming more attached. Hide's concern over someone that was the same as he had made his heart skip a beat, emphasizing those feelings. 

At the end, before Kaneki went home, Hide’s hand on his stopped him. He was looking down, squeezing ever so slightly, but when his face was finally revealed with a tiny smile, not even the welled up eyes could overshadow the light that was emanating from him. 

“Thanks”, he said. 

Testimonies from the 18th ward had given us more clues about the incident that happened last summer inside Tokyo’s First Korean Elementary and Junior High School ever since it was established during the World War II. Apparently, ghouls had dressed in red hooded capes and entered violently, going rampage through the building taking over their hands whatever piece of meat was in front of them. 

“I barely escaped with some of my students, getting out through the window before it was too late”, the teacher confessed between cries. “They were already inside the classroom, throwing the tables all around us with those devilish limbs. I took the ones who weren’t caught under the weight– they were being pierced mercilessly and getting eaten by those monsters! I…I didn’t want to leave them behind, laying there bleeding and screaming my name, but the few that were already on the streets were crying for me and needed someone to guide them out of that living hell so I did what my instincts told me and ran towards the few that were still alive.” 

“The investigators were all over us once we reached the main road while the school was already on fire. They took the children to the hospital, and sent me to the CCG in order to give them information that they could use to find the ghouls. Their masks, anything. But I couldn’t do it because I was still in shock. The kids couldn’t bear witness and I remained there in trauma, taking treatments to get back those memories that I truly wanted to forget. They kept on saying that it was crucial that I remembered because the ones who were responsible were still free on the streets, and therefore history could repeat itself if I didn’t cooperate with them. 

“At the end, two weeks passed before I got out of my head the characteristics that they needed, like the place from where those appendages were getting out of their bodies, and was told to reach the media to warn other families and schools from what could happen if more denounces weren’t made to the CCG.” 

The remains of the children were found a day later in the Arakawa River, destroying the lasts bits of hope that some families had of finding more survivors. “In this fight, the key’s that we all unify our forces with the CCG and help them to eradicate that plague.” North Korea expressed their condolences making memorials for the lost children, as well as other countries. Ghouls’ countermeasures are happening worldwide, synchronized for the first time in history, with a committee expected to take place at the beginning of next year here in Japan. The debate will be two months long, expecting to find how to neutralize the enemy that every nation has in common. 

“They all must die!” concluded Sawako Ooshima, an elementary school teacher who’s creating awareness in the city. 

The breeze was refreshing Hide’s face, pages turning fast under fingers that weren’t in contact with the book. It was down on the grass in front of him, along with other leaves that had fallen from the trees. And even though the climate was friendly, he was frowning. 

“Kaneki, you need to be more specific when I ask you what you like to read!” he said. Both were laying next to the other, Hide turning his back over and resting now with the sky on view. “I know when you’re bored”, and he was pouting. Kaneki moved sideways to look at him, using an elbow to support himself and rest his head in one hand. 

“You asked me what I liked to do, and I said reading. You never said anything about my favorite genre in books. And besides, this isn’t even a book, Hide. It’s a comic”. He chuckled when Hide suddenly stood up and took indignantly the thing on his hands. 

“How _dare_ you!” and Hide embraced the comic as if it was his own son the one that had been insulted. “You will never learn how to appreciate the greatness of zombies and the beautiful girls who fight them. Even your geeky charms won’t be able to save you in that universe, Kaneki”. 

“Geeky charms?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Yeah! Ya’ know, your nerdiness and that kinda stuff... like how you knew that those berries weren’t edible so you didn’t eat them and at the end, I was the only one vomiting my guts.” 

“Hide, you just had said _why_ I would be the one surviving to the zombies”. He remembered well that time. They both had encountered a bush immediately after Hide had said that he was hungry. Excitedly, he started to gather them on his pockets while offering some to Kaneki, who refused to declare that it was an excellent idea to eat wild fruit so recklessly.

Evidently, he had declined; but it was because of a different reason. What ended up happening was a mere coincidence. 

“Still! You should’ve told me”, Hide said averting his gaze. “It’s no fun when I’m the only one enjoying the story”. 

Kaneki had never enjoyed watching Hide like that, fidgeting with his shirt, unsure of himself. “It’s okay”, he said while standing up, making eye contact with Hide. “I like it when you’re reading it for me”, and his whole face lit up with a smile. 

At first, Hide’s features shaded in scarlet. He was looking at Kaneki, astonished. Only in rare occasions that he could count on one hand, Kaneki had said similar things. And it confused him tremendously, considering how good he was at reading body language. In time before it became awkward, he got his body back and grinned. 

“I know, right?” and he pointed his thumb towards his chest. Kaneki was relieved. “I’m awesome!” 

What’s up, drivers? You’re listening to J-Wave. I’m Taichi, and today’s topic is _please help me, I fell in love with a ghoul!_ But before getting started, here’s the congress daily reminder: 

“Stay between groups, avoid being on the streets at late hours of the night and if something seems suspicious, call it out!” 

Remember to keep it safe, folks. Ratings can’t keep themselves standing alone, I tell ya! If this is your first time listening, fear not, emergency numbers will be given at the end of the show. So now, without more interruptions, let’s get staaarted! 

Both were swimming in the lake, challenging each other. And like any other time, Kaneki won. 

“How did you do it? I was clearly way ahead of you!” Hide was breathing heavily, supporting himself on floating wood that was from the remains of a pier. 

Kaneki did circles around him in the water. “If you could stop bringing junk food and actually start eating the meals of your mother, your physical condition might get better. And though I doubt that you will be faster than me, maybe you won’t get tired so easily”. 

Hide sent water splashes towards his face, and Kaneki laughed. 

“So mean! I bring it because you always refuse to eat in front of me, and I got curious, obviously. Also, look who’s talking! You barely have any muscles on your body, Kaneki”, he said while palming a few times the other’s back. 

Kaneki couldn’t help it. He blushed. “The fact that you keep winning is only because you already knew how to swim before we found this place. I mean, my ripped body needs to get used to moving in water, ya know?” he said while flexing both arms in a ridiculous manner, growing biceps forming slight curves. “These guns ain’t for showing off, I tell ya! Give me time and I’ll make you taste defeat!” and he leered at Kaneki, who wanted to be eaten by the earth at this point. He submerged himself in the water, trying to focus on other thoughts that weren’t Hide’s tanned body glowing under the sun. After all, it was the hottest time of the year, a few showers of rain relieving the weather every now and then. But his mind was taking that extremely personal. Kaneki was losing it and Hide had no idea.

How to know someone’s a ghoul in three steps: 

Step 1: look out from the people that don’t eat in public places. Ghouls can’t digest human food, so they avoid eating in front of others because of how the bad taste shows on their faces. 

Step 2: ghoul’s eyes, when they’re hungry, change of color. Scleras turning black and irises red respectively. This phenomenon is known as _kakugan_ , according to the CCG. 

Step 3: while hunting, unknown extremities by man sprout from their backs, serving them as slicing weapons. _Warning: do not try to fight them if the moment shows._ Calling the CCG must be the immediate course of action. Those appendages are called _kagune_ by investigators and are used to define ghouls. 

Emergency numbers are 066 and 054.

Kaneki was noticing how Hide’s hair was growing, being now almost reaching his shoulders, when a ball of snow hit him like a rock and made him trip over his own feet. 

“This is _war_!” the blond said, sending white bullets towards his fallen friend. 

The only thing that Kaneki could see amidst the snow was Hide’s smirk. “Hide, like– what the hell? Are you _five_?” he was protecting himself from the freezing rain with both arms. 

It was pointless. “Five thousand years of wisdom under my sleeve, Kaneki! I have known you that much!” Hide was losing the rhythm thanks to Kaneki’s state, which he found hilarious. “Don’t deny the obvious! You literally saw the first one going straight to your face, but you stood there thinking _oh I’m the great Kaneki and it won’t hit me because Hide’s aiming sucks_ , and then…you should’ve seen your face!” and suddenly the attack stopped between giggles. He was laughing his ass off with both hands over his stomach. 

It wasn’t that his reflexes hadn’t done their job, though. He was a ghoul, therefore, he had seen the ball launching, speeding up, moving towards him until the sound came and so did the pain. But he didn’t move. 

Because lately, Kaneki had been having dreams, weird dreams, about his friend. He knew the basic effects that puberty had on people, so it wasn’t something strange for him. What he found odd was that it all came bursting once Hide appeared in his life, and it had only worsened through the years. Reviving those fantasies repeatedly in his head, he thought that he had truly deserved the snowball. Kanou had more than wrecked his body up, but this was ridiculous. Who was Hide to make him feel this way? 

They both had begun as friends, and he was overjoyed with having the company of someone who wasn’t a ghoul. Someone who saw the being repressed inside him. The boy that he could have been if everything hadn’t happened. Every time his figure reflected on Hide’s eyes, he saw a person, giving him courage. Nonetheless, those feelings had increased exponentially until they exploded, forming such consuming warmth that was overrunning through his veins, conquering his own heart and soul, taking him where he was now. 

In front of the other boy, Kaneki was helpless. And he wanted his revenge. 

“I know your weakness”, he said seriously, gaze fixed on Hide’s curling lips. The other slightly tucked his chin, raising his eyebrows. 

“Huh? And what is it?” his smugness was increasing Kaneki’s impatience. He cursed internally, forcing himself to stay put until he said his punchline. Therefore, licking his lips, he saw that Hide was expectant. He was mocking him, sticking out his tongue and raising both eyebrows. He was really earning it, and Kaneki knew how to give him what he deserved. 

“You hate tickles”, he said finally, and the exact moment where Hide blinked in panic before Kaneki ambushed him could have been recorded. “Stop! _Ha–_ Can’t breathe! Somebody, help!” 

Without any doubt, days like these were the ones that made Kaneki’s life worth living. 

WARNING: The government has declared state of emergency. _We have lost communication with the 11th ward_. I repeat, _we have lost communication with the 11th ward_. 

Reinforcements are going there while we speak. _The 11th ward has been taken over by ghouls_. Evacuation of the citizens is a priority. Listen to your homeland of security, the protocol must be effectuating now. And stay alerted, it's been confirmed:

_All of the investigators there have died._

Kaneki saw Hide and couldn't find the boy for whom he had fallen. That kid was far gone now, along with the changing of seasons. Instead, he had in front of him a body that was taller than his own and was speaking controversial topics with ability, almost talking from experience, while his deep voice emphasized every opinion. Still, some things remained the same; like his unreasonable sense of humor and magnificent laugh. Kaneki had witnessed all of those changes, and was wondering if there would be more. Because, when the moment came, he wanted to be there to see them. 

He knew it would be difficult, but truthfully wished that he could be with him outside of the forest. He wanted to see him all the time, wanted to know more about the person that had touched him so deeply; but no matter how much effort he put into it, every time he had made insinuations that could help him figure out more about Hide’s identity, the other tended to change the subject abruptly. 

He hadn’t minded talking about his life in Anteiku, though; except the obvious part of being a ghoul. What he only knew about Hide was that he didn’t have a good relationship with his father, and that they both shared the same ideals of peace. They had never seen each other outside of their common place, so Kaneki pinpointed that out in one occasion, pressing on with his words, insisting on getting through Hide’s psychological barrier. 

At the beginning, Hide was doubtful, but his expression changed eventually and he purposed going to Anteiku; and Kaneki thought that was the worst idea that his friend had ever had. It would be like taking the sheep to the wolves, so he made up and excuse and purposed instead going to a park that he used to visit often during his childhood. It was a special place for him, having memories there when his parents were still alive, so he wanted to take Hide and show him. The playground, the duck pond, everything. Hide would love it and it felt right, making new memories there with him. 

“I thought you only existed among flowers and trees”, Kaneki said once they were near the square center. 

The other looked at him, oddly surprised, his face keeping at bay over something. “I’m not a fairy, Kaneki”. And he knew that it was true, even if Hide was pronouncing those words with a fake smile. Perhaps he had hurt his ego, his manhood, but sometimes life just shined when Hide was around and Kaneki couldn’t help but wonder what he had done to deserve having a spot on Hide’s heart. He wanted to tell him that, remind him that he was special, that he would give up on anything if that could make him happier. Say that the world was a brighter place because he was there, delivering himself to others and putting the best of his efforts in showing them kindness. 

Kaneki was sure that he wasn’t the only one who thought in that way. Hide had the power of making people believe in themselves, getting the good out of them as he had done with him. For that, he was incredible, even amid his many flaws, which made the revolution of his being only stronger. He wanted to say it, scream the words that had been in his throat for ages until his voice left him completely and stayed inside of Hide forever.

But he said nothing.

The rain was coming, so they took the bike in order to reach the bus station, trying to evade the upcoming storm when Hide confessed. The cold atmosphere suddenly felt heavy and Kaneki was stunned when Hide told him that he wanted to travel all around the world, learn a lot until it was enough for him to become a teacher. In other words, leave him. 

Hide said that it was his biggest dream, to be free and go wherever he wanted until he was wise enough to guide other people in life as others had done with him. Kaneki could feel the knife stabbing, hurting more than the void that was left when Rize almost killed him; he had no wounds, still, he could swear that he was dying. Meanwhile, his most important person started talking about how their friendship had got the best out of them, how much they admired him and that they would like to change the way things were now by showing the kindness that they had only seen in him. In Kaneki. 

“If people were like you, war wouldn’t exist”, he said, and Kaneki wanted to cry. It was too much. 

Hide fell asleep on his shoulder on the way back, and Kaneki found that he couldn’t stop staring. The delicate line that traced his nose, the bangs that were covering his eyes, fusing with his eyelashes, framing a face that seemed to be tired. He would normally control himself, but now that he knew that their time together was limited and that he could take the liberty of appreciating the other without getting awful jokes as a response, he didn’t seem to care. Kaneki took advantage of the opportunity that was in front of him, and asked himself if his attraction towards Hide was because of his condition as a ghoul or if it was something else. He recognized it was stupid when the answer was more than clear, but he was trying to make up excuses that would lessen the effect that Hide’s absence, someday, would have on him. Kaneki held his tears when his fingers intertwined Hide’s, and contemplated in awe how the other was preparing to wake up, eyelids moving slowly as some little bird who’s about to fly. 

Unintentionally, the other had always teased him, telling him that he was adorable when he read, such a nerd developing in his true habitat and stuff. Kaneki felt embarrassed every time, and hated himself when he daydreamed with the possibility of having something more; because he knew that Hide didn’t feel the same way. He was always flirty, but that was his personality. Much to his disgrace, his nature; and the only way to stop him was with challenges, from what Kaneki had learnt. He had proven that theory once, when Hide was blabbering about how Kaneki’s cuteness would get him all of the ladies if he could just put in more effort, and he had retorted saying that, as a matter of fact, Hide was way cuter than him, and all of the girls would ignore him because of that. Hide's face had exploded and he wasn’t able to speak for two hours in a row. A whole new record, until now.

When they were once again in the forest, about to go each one of them through a different path, Hide stopped, red scarf flowing in the wind, and whispered something that Kaneki wasn’t able to get at the first time. 

Because of that, Hide grabbed his sleeve, avoiding his hand for some reason, before he repeated. 

“Shall we stay here forever?” 

Kaneki was confused. “What do you mean?” Hadn’t Hide declared his dreams about becoming a voyager? 

The blond cherished Kaneki deeply; after all, he had been his first friend. But lately, Kaneki’s weird behavior had made him question if what they had was something different from what he originally thought. He had more friends now, so he could compare, and he knew that his relationship with Kaneki wasn’t the same. The meaning was poles apart, it had to be, but he didn’t know how to name it. The rush was new, and the word was foreign on his mouth. 

“Nevermind”, he said, twisting his head sideways. He had a lot on his mind, and this wasn’t the moment to clear it out. “See you next weekend?” 

Kaneki smiled at him fondly, eyes speaking the words that Hide couldn’t find. 

“Always”. 

 

* * *

 

Yoshimura was standing at the door, unflappable, tough semblance on his face. The man in front of him wore nothing but black. 

“The decision is yours. Whether you cooperate with us and speak the truth behind the One-Eyed Owl, headmaster of Aogiri Tree, or we would stop covering you up in front of the CCG”. From what he could tell, the other’s eyes were flashing red; nevertheless, the old man had seen enough during his life to not have fear of him. He had worked for V, experienced first handily the horrors of that organization. He wouldn’t show any weakness, nor in front of him, nor in front of anybody. For Anteiku, his family. For _them_.

“Then, call the doves”, he was taking off, slowly, the white gloves that covered his hands. A vein popped out of the younger man’s neck. Yoshimura recognized that decisions like this should be consulted with everyone, getting out of this puzzle together, like they had done many times. But definitely, they would refuse to accept reality and say that fighting, altogether, would be the best solution out of this. And he knew for himself that such brave tales weren't anything but fiction. The reality was different, and there they weren't heroes, not even villains. 

They were nothing but targets. 

It had been a good life, he thought. Giving up the lives of his family because of his past mistakes was something that he wouldn’t permit. Yoshimura was settled. He knew what he had to do. 

“I don’t have any words for you to tell”. His voice was deep, glare more threatening than the other’s mask. “Not today, nor never”, and he stood tall, convinced that no one but him would have to deal with that man. 

The other’s head tilted to the right, leaning forward. From that moment onwards, he knew this place would be cursed. He had to free everyone on time before that terrible fate could take them too. 

The announcement came like a sickness, but he didn’t falter. “I shall tell you to expect your death in three days. Docile ghouls like the ones on this place are meant to perish, more if they are useless”. His back turned, and Yoshimura thought that the threatening was finally over. He had to start acting, now. But V’s emissary had other plans as he talked to the air instead, freezing time. 

“You’ll regret it. They will all vanish with this place, becoming nothing but ashes. And we will be here, relishing on every detail, watching you fall”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** Hide knew something was off the moment he woke up over multiple voices. Entering the parlor, he saw everyone rushing into the same room, so he gazed at the clock.
> 
> It was too early for that.
> 
> If a meeting had been called at this hour it was because something had happened in the city. Something _bad_. Only those kinds of news could get this kind of reaction. “Seidou, wait!” and he bumped forcefully into the other, making papers fly in all directions.


	4. Ghoul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** The announcement came like a sickness, but he didn’t falter. “I shall tell you to expect your death in three days. Docile ghouls like the ones on this place are meant to perish, more if they are useless”. His back turned, and Yoshimura thought that the threatening was finally over. He had to start acting, now. But V’s emissary had other plans as he talked to the air instead, freezing time.
> 
> “You’ll regret it. They will all vanish with this place, becoming nothing but ashes. And we will be here, relishing on every detail, watching you fall”.

He was running, asking himself whether his legs were the problem or not. Anteiku was near and it was on fire, black steam spreading everywhere, screaming with explosions waves full of despair. 

Though he was putting every sweat on it, the building didn’t seem to be approaching. Even from afar he could feel the heat; destroying every layer of his skin, crushing his bones and blinding his eyes until he saw nothing but shaded smoke. Air wasn’t reaching his lungs so he was suffocating. Death was surrounding him the moment he breathed in hell. 

The pain was excruciating, threatening his conscience with needles piercing all around his body; nevertheless, he was moving. _I’m moving, right?_ After all, his muscles were sore. He couldn’t feel it directly, but he knew that at some point his nerves had given up on transmitting the signals when someone had hit him in the stomach, deafening his senses in spite of facing harm.

He hadn’t taken the time of looking down and see the wound for himself, so he stopped. Merely his trembling, though; considering his position hadn’t changed since the first blow came trespassing like a ghost, clenching his insides, making its way through him creating a hole. Such sight was terrifying, taking over his mind while triggering old nightmares. He was nowhere near something else besides his own pool of blood. 

How could he possibly do that when standing was impossible? How could he possibly stand when he felt _nothing?_ He had no place on this fight, no chance of winning since it all began. With us or against us, it has always been like that; so when he held both of them in his arms, everything ended up collapsing. Hopes alone can’t win a battle. It had been more than what he could handle. He was strong but not strong enough, he had been fast but not fast enough. Tears weren’t enough to express his agony so he screamed.

So close and so far, amidst the cries, everything went dark. He had no legs, no way of leaving this inferno. His life was trapped in the middle of this madness, trying to find someone that was no longer there. That he didn’t know, so he braced on that illusion. 

It was the only thing that could keep him alive.

 

* * *

 

Hide knew something was off the moment he woke up over multiple voices. Entering the parlor, he saw everyone rushing into the same room, so he gazed at the clock. 

It was too early for that.

If a meeting had been called at this hour it was because something had happened in the city. Something _bad_. Only those kinds of news could get this kind of reaction. “Seidou, wait!” and he bumped forcefully into the other, making papers fly in all directions.

“Damn it, Nagachika! I spent a lot of time organizing those files!”

“I’m sorry, really, but–” _it was the only way of stopping you. No one tells me anything!_ He was helping out in cleaning his mess. “What’s with the commotion?”

“It’s classified”, Seidou said frowning while receiving a bunch of wrinkled papers from Hide.

“Oh please! We’re best buddies, no secrets between us! You have told me worse things, like how you keep Akira’s photo in–“

Seidou’s hand went straight to his mouth. “Shut up! Someone will hear you, stupid!” And much to his displeasure, Hide licked it. 

“What the– this is disgusting!”

“C’mon, just tell me what’s going on and I’ll leave!”

“Leave to the moon for all I care! If only that was possible, you–”

“Seido, please!” The adult looked troubled. Hide was making puppy eyes, moving impatiently from foot to foot in something similar to a dance. “ _Aghhh_ , alright! But stop being a kid! It’s getting on my nerves…”

“Deal”, Hide said fast, changing his stance as if the outburst had never been done. 

“Well, I don’t know the details but apparently it has something to do with a coffee shop”. His heart skipped a beat. _No…_

“Anteiku? I think that was the name…”

Hide was trying to stay still and not show the fear that was flowing through his veins. _Shit, I’m sure that’s where Kaneki works, and something bad, the CCG, there have been happening ghoul attacks everywhere around…_ Realization hit him like a truck. He was shaking. _Ghouls everywhere, something bad, Kaneki, ghouls, oh dear lord!_ His friend could be dead already for all he knew while he was here, staring blankly at Seidou. _Shit, shit, shit…_

He had to act, _now_. “I’ll tell you the rest once the meeting is over, though. Don’t strain yourself too much! I know how much you enjoy playing detective but if you’re this pale over hearing not even half of the story–“

“Thanks, Seidou, but I can’t wait that long”

“What?” But Hide left both the question and his companion behind, walking with purpose towards the door. 

The investigators blabbering was loud enough for him to leave without being noticed. He didn’t know the address, nor the way, but he stepped forward expecting to find the place based only on descriptions of both the streets and shop, information that he had obtained from Kaneki himself during their talks. 

_Somehow, I’ll manage._ Going down the road while making everyone look at him because of his obnoxious pace wasn’t a good idea, so Hide made himself walk like an ordinary person. Or so he thought he was doing before he tripped. 

Moving his feet had never been so hard.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki thought it was a good morning. As usual, Anteiku had opened its doors at nine, spreading the smell of coffee, making him feel at ease. At home. 

Nothing was missing except a certain person. And he remembered that saying, be careful what you wish for, when Touka was already talking with him. 

His body wasn’t responding. 

“Is everything alright?” She asked because he looked like someone who had just ended a marathon, staying still for the first time after long periods of motion. His knees couldn’t stop twitching and Kaneki thought that Touka had probably perceived it too since she was taking him towards the nearest chair.

“No, I mean, yes! I’m fine!" he stumbled and almost fell over a table surrounded by customers. "I– I need to see Kaneki!” everyone was watching him at this point. 

“Kaneki?” she was raising an eyebrow before turning her head and look behind the bar, where the man in question stood. Then, Touka excused herself and Kaneki could see her figure approaching. 

“Close your mouth, you’re embarrassing me”. If she hadn’t shut it with her hand, getting his attention, Kaneki would have stayed stunned watching the other avert his gaze and try to catch what much air his lungs could permit him. “I don’t know why but that sweaty bed-haired blond is–“

“Hide”, he blurted, surprising himself and Touka. “The name’s Hide”.

“Ha ha!” and Nishio’s arm was on his shoulders, moving him into some kind of uncomfortable squeeze. "Using given names already, huh?" 

Kaneki blushed. 

“You have to be kidding me, for real?” his voice was so loud and Kaneki was scared of someone else hearing him. Especially Hide. “And here I thought from both of you Touka would be the first one! Irimi, Koma, come here and meet Kaneki’s–” 

Touka’s punch prevented further inconveniences. Kaneki was grateful. “Shut up, you are disturbing the clients. Only bakayama’s worse than you, _ugh_ ”. 

Then she narrowed her eyes, displaying annoyance. “What can I say? Boys will be boys!”

“More like trash will be trash”. Both were glaring at each other and Kaneki was trapped in the middle of it all. Only when he met Hide’s eyes he was able to get out. 

“Kaneki!” he beamed with pleasure while going to him, brightening the place with every step. Next to him he could still feel Nishiki’s staring contest with Touka, but he didn’t mind that anymore. Kaneki was watching in awe how his favorite person was going straight to him, and he was glad, for sharing a moment with him alone. He couldn’t help but held Hide in his arms once he was between reach. He was so happy. 

“ _Woah_ , Kaneki, you don’t wanna ruin your uniform. I probably stink more than–“ 

“Don’t care”, and Kaneki settled his head in the space between Hide’s shoulder and neck. Inhaling, he thought that Hide couldn't be more wrong. He did perceive sweat in his nostrils, but more than anything there was a hint of sweetened grass, maybe by some kind of vanilla soap. And almonds, lots of them. 

Hide sighed and then pulled Kaneki closer. Both were embracing, their chests touching under the pressure that was on their backs. “So now we hug, huh?” and Kaneki laughed. 

“For fuck’s sake, I swear I’m throwing up!” Nishio said, pulling them apart with his words. 

“Hide, don’t you want to talk somewhere more private?” Kaneki could hear the giggles that burst from both Irimi and Koma. “I m-mean, outside! O-o-o-out–“

“Sure! Why not?” and he went ahead. 

Once out of the shop, there was a cat on the railing, so Hide without delay approached and started to caress it. He was purring with the kitten in unison, crinkling up both his eyes and nose, and Kaneki was feeling betrayed by his emotions. 

Though he had to work, his mind was screaming _just do it_ and _it’s now or never._ He had read many novels so he knew how to recognize a perfect chance when it was presented in front of him, in order to do what he had been planning for months. For years. The atmosphere, the place, even the cat was cooperating with him today.

So he gathered all of his courage. _He’s here, unexpectedly, of course, but he’s here. Against all odds, Hide’s here. You’re lucky!_ Once he was talking to himself, Kaneki knew he was beyond salvation. Meanwhile, Hide was talking about how he had worried over nothing, his mouth moving in vain because Kaneki was still inside his mind. 

Motivating himself was his last course of action, and he had learnt it from no one else than the blond. _Wait, he’s in danger! The ghouls will– Hide will– no! Don’t think! Today’s the day, Today’s the–_

“Welp, ‘Neki, I’m glad you’re still kicking it”, Hide said while facing him for the first time since the cat showed. Kaneki didn’t understand but, because he hadn’t been paying attention, he wasn’t surprised. He had been distracted all the while. “Also, the waitress has been looking at us through the window all the time. Maybe she’s jealous!” and Hide turned, showing his back. 

He was leaving. “The place’s good but I can’t stay. Hope you don’t mind, though”

“Hide, w-wait!”

“Uhm?”

“I…” _Shit._ So many times rehearsing it in front of the mirror only to look like an idiot when the moment finally came. “I… I have something to tell you”. That was a good start.

Hide nodded, clearly knowing Kaneki was nervous. Through his face he was telling him to relax, making expressions that could help him feel at ease. And, like always, it had worked. He was no longer fidgeting with his shirt nor biting the insides of his cheeks. Instead, Kaneki had fixed his gaze on him. He was sure. No more second thoughts interfering with his actions. Good grief, he wasn’t even thinking anymore. “Shoot! I’m all ears–”. 

“I like you”.

“What?”

 _I said it._ It had been relieving, indeed. If he just hadn’t ruined his whole speech with going straight to the point, it would have been perfect. 

Hide chuckled. “Oh, I get it! I like you too!” 

Kaneki couldn’t believe his ears. “I mean, that’s obvious! You’re feeling obliged, after what I said, right? But there’s no need of saying it out loud, ya know?” He was more than disoriented. Speechless, even. Didn’t even know whether to celebrate or not at this point. 

“After all, we’re friends!” Hide said, embodying a sunflower in all its splendor while Kaneki felt like the bluest bird on earth.

“No, Hide, that’s not it–”

“Hmm?”

“Listen to me”. It had been difficult the first time, and now he had to say it twice? Kaneki put both hands on Hide’s shoulders. 

“I like you”. That he would repeat the times were necessary to make him understand. He had to, in order to demonstrate that this wasn’t a joke. And it would be difficult considering it was Hide with whom he was talking.

“Yeah, I know–”

“No, you don’t”. Kaneki saw the confusion on his face, eyes being worried, looking at him. “I don’t mean it like that”.

“Huh?” But he moved faster, attempting to perform an action he had seen frequently displayed in the movies with courage. Though he had always been shy, this time he _forced_ himself to be brave. 

Stretching his neck and supporting himself on Hide’s body, Kaneki tried to reach with his lips the thing he had been wanting for as long as he could remember. He closed his eyes, slowly, as he had read people in his position normally did. And if Hide hadn’t moved, he would have surely gotten himself a kiss.

Yet, that didn’t stop him. Kaneki pecked on Hide’s neck two times, sensing the goose bumps forming on the skin with satisfaction before an external force took him back. 

Now he had Hide’s hands on his shoulders. 

“So…” If Kaneki’s was scarlet, Hide’s face was a bomb about to explode. His voice was hoarse even after the few attempts of clearing his throat. “L-like _that_ , right?” 

Hide stuttering was something nowadays he couldn’t hear often. He thought it was funny, how this was nothing but his doing and the fact that the blond was resembling his younger self now more than ever with every tripping phrase. 

Kaneki grinned. “Yeah…”

“Oh…” 

Both were in silence, Hide looking anywhere but at him. Kaneki thought the situation couldn’t get worse so he went for a second try. “W-wait!”

“Don’t you want to?”

“Yes, b-but, I mean…”

“Good”. He placed a hand on Hide’s nape, moving him forward. Ever since they had known each other Kaneki was the one taking the lead. The positions had inverted, and he could feel Hide’s rapid breath on his lips so he opened his mouth. He wanted to taste the warmth before it could fill him.

Kaneki was so close that he could die. He pressed their foreheads together, both gray and brown eyes only a few millimeters apart. Hide was melting and he loved to be the cause. His craziest dream was about to become a reality, he could feel it in his bones. The blond closed his eyes first this time. 

“Go get a room!” someone shouted, making Hide jump and push himself away. Then Kaneki glanced, nearly falling when he noticed Touka at the door and Nishiki with both hands surrounding his mouth in the adjacent table. 

The waiter started making suggestions, things that weren’t very decent, mainly through a circle that both his index and middle fingers were trespassing while he was wiggling his eyebrows. Touka reacted fast and closed the curtains before it could get any more awkward. 

“I’m sorry Hide, but Kaneki needs to get back to work”. She was speaking with kindness, as she usually did with the customers. Still, he was shocked. Touka, and perhaps everyone at Anteiku, had seen him. Or more precisely, had seen what he had almost done. 

Overthinking had earned him a decent amount of shame, but being impulsive had won the prize. “O-of course! See ya later, Kaneki?”

“Yeah”. But he changed his mind mid-sentence, facing Hide once more. He didn’t want to leave it like that. 

“But Hide!” Kaneki could deal with Touka after this. “Tonight, let’s meet in the forest. I can’t wait until the weekend to…to clear this out”. And it was true. Four days would have to pass if they didn’t and he would be stressing over it until they had a proper talk. It would be a torture.

The confession had been rushed, but he wasn’t regretting it. “Sure, don’t worry. I’ll be there, promise!” Nonetheless, Kaneki saw Hide almost getting crushed by a car, and he asked himself if it would be good to let him go all on his own. 

If Touka hadn’t been obstructing the way, he would be asking for the manager’s permission. “So, was it worth it?” 

“What–“

“You have just humiliated yourself in the street, publicly showing you’re an idiot in front of not only humans but ghouls as well. And I’m here, asking you, if it was worth it”. Seemingly amused, she threw her head back, whole face lighting up over something. 

Both entered the shop, and Kaneki could feel numerous eyes on him as he did so. “I didn’t get to do it”, he mumbled. 

“Do what? Say it or else I won’t understand. I can’t read your mind”. 

“Kiss him. I didn’t even get to kiss him”. 

“ _Pffft_ ” Nishio had heard everything and was rolling in the aisles. He didn’t care about the customers. “You’re so pathetic! I expected more of you, _‘Neki-chan_ ”. He stressed out the last word, trying to imitate Hide’s way of calling him. 

As if he would ever call him while making those extremely awkward expressions. “Leave him alone, Nishiki. He’s fallen enough, you know?” Irimi said, smirking. 

“Stealing a kiss is an arduous task, hideous even, for people like Kaneki, so of course that failing after giving it his all would crush him”. Touka joined them, snorting, supporting herself in the bar. They were making a scene. Koma was ignorant of the specifics because he hadn’t been there, serving as it was supposed; that’s why once the last client in the shop left, he went towards them.

Yoshimura found himself surprised of encountering such a lively sight. Everyone was enjoying themselves. Everyone but Kaneki.

“What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing”, he said, only to increase Nishio’s laughter to the maximum. A woman was standing at the door, and Kaneki saw her as a way out of his suffering. 

He was wrong.

“Look! Fueguchi-san is here! I’ll go there and say hi!” But once in front of them, he felt something off. The picture wasn’t right. The girl was crying, holding her mother’s arm as if her life depended on it. “Hinami-chan?” 

“Big brother!” and she quickly dashed to him, falling apart on his arms. Kaneki had to hold her tightly because she was sliding in his clothes. The room felt suddenly heavy on them. There wasn’t even a sound. 

Before anyone else, the old man got to know the reason only by sharing a glance with the mother. Ryouko’s features seemed empty, completely blank. He knew what was coming before she spoke.

“It’s Asaki”. Her lower lip was trembling, and Hinami’s tears multiplied when she heard that name. The name of her father. “Someone exposed him to the doves”. Touka was screaming grudges at this point, pulling her hair in exasperation while Irimi reached unconsciously for Koma’s hand. 

Nishiki’s expression was unreadable. 

“Asaki, he’s–” but her voice cracked and she wasn’t able to continue. Yoshimura put a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. But was all for naught. 

Her knees fell to the ground and they all knew the words that had been left floating in the air. Asaki, he had been captured by the doves. 

He was dead.

 

* * *

 

Hide wasn't expecting a fist on his nose the moment he crossed the entrance. The liquefied pain was flowing through his face, numbing his senses, making him feel nauseous with every drop of blood that was falling in his mouth.

If glares could kill, he would be dead already. His father was crossing both arms in front of him, all-powerful while he was laying on the floor. He was clenching his jaw, emphasizing his cheekbones; raven hair framing his anger.

Mrs. Nagachika was protesting but Hide couldn’t listen. His vision was clouding and the feeling was horrible. “You don’t understand. Because of his reckless behavior, we almost lost it with him”, and he felt his father’s hands pulling on him, taking him into a room where his mother wasn’t present.

Then a warm cloth was cleaning him, and Hide found himself still in his father’s arms. “I won’t allow this happening a second time”, and he nodded while hating himself for crying. All interactions with his father have always been like that; hurried, lacking explanations. But more than anything, they were confusing.

"You keep pretending, running errands, when I know what you have been doing". Hide wanted to defend himself, say something until he remembered why he had to remain silent every time his father had the word. "If you want to deal with ghouls, you will need the experience”.

“I don’t want to be an investigator”. He was risking a lot while daring to speak, but he needed to clarify that to his father. _I’ll never be a killer_.

“Don’t try to fool me. I know you were in Anteiku”.

“Huh?” Hide wasn’t following him. What was the point in bringing that up now?

He was scared. “Why don’t you go with Mado’s team and see it for yourself? They’re getting ready while we speak”.

“But–“

“Enough”, said his father, freezing him. “You are no longer a child. I won’t listen to any more of your nonsense. You will go and that is final”.

Hide heard his father’s last words, unyielding, compressing the air that was inside the room. “Answers will come”, and like that he was left alone.

Now whenever he saw what was in front of him, he was trying to believe it wasn’t happening. It was a team of five with him, both Mado and Koutarou included. It _had_ been a team of five, he thought, until they had encountered the woman.

At first glance, she looked like any other; brown hair and wearing a dress, walking with her girl’s hand in hers. She was nothing but a mother with her child until Mado’s words had made her show them, the eyes and the deadly members, gas spreading with the awakening of the curse. 

She was a ghoul.

At some point, a rabbit masked figure arrived, going rampage, like a lighting striking and killing the two investigators whose names he didn’t know. Then it came another, face covered in black leather and a hood, Amon struggling with keeping him in line. 

Hide didn’t want to be there, in some secluded corridor of the city, in the middle of a fight he had been avoiding. Mado’s high-pitched laughter was frightening. “Time’s over!” he screamed, and Hide saw in horror how the woman’s head hit the ground, pouring out what last drop of vitality was inside of her.

The girl’s screams were deafening his ears. Hide had to save her, free her from that destiny, but how? His body felt heavy, rigid over wearing things that he wasn’t used to, impeding his movements with some unknown force. 

His will was leaving him. Even with that, he managed to dodge one of Mado’s blows that were aimed at her, throwing his body and getting hers in the way, both of them hitting the pavement after the fall.

He helped her stand. “Run!” “No!” Someone else shouted at the same time. Hide was no longer capable of enduring being conscious. 

The back of his head had been kicked by the ghoul that appeared to be flying, knocking him out almost instantly. 

Hide’s being collided with the ground and he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki arrived first with Hinami on his back. She went straight upstairs once they were inside, ignoring everyone. 

The girl needed to be alone and Kaneki couldn’t blame her. Koma followed her, leaving the others firing questions at him, and he didn’t know how to react. They were screaming for answers that he didn’t possess. How do you explain that someone beloved to you had died? 

Yoshimura’s voice put everyone in order. It took him half an hour to tell them what had happened, because he wasn’t talking properly, because he wasn’t himself. Kaneki’s heart had been broken for so many reasons. 

He only wanted to forget.

Then Touka burst in and took him by the collar. “You heard it too, right? What the crazy bastard screamed before dying”. Both her pink wig and rabbit mask had fallen after she made such a forceful entrance.

“I went with Uta before coming in here, and you know what? The last name, Nagachika, is commonly heard within the Washuu”. Her fists were shaking so she threw Kaneki to some table, sending pieces of wood all around the place. 

“Touka–“

“No! You need to listen to me!” she was shouting at Yoshimura. No one dared to say a word. “That boy, the one who came in the morning, isn’t only part of the CCG but the heir of it all!” 

Everyone was looking at her, wide-eyed. “Stupid blondie is some kind of Washuu prince, and we had him in a coffee filled with ghouls! For what?” She was glaring at Kaneki, who didn’t know what to believe in anymore. He had seen if for himself but he was in denial. 

“You’re risking everybody’s lives, can’t you see it? Hinami’s mother is dead already, and that’s all your fault!” Kaneki was crying hopelessly, and Touka was getting tired of it. “I should have killed him!” 

“You’re wrong. That’s not the reason”.

The manager didn’t allow her a reply. “Kaneki’s… _friend_ , wasn't the cause of those deaths. Nishio, go and get Yomo, he’s downstairs with the fridges. And Irimi, please, bring coffee for everyone”. They did as he asked, both Touka and Kaneki trying to interpret the meaning behind those words. Koma was the only staff member who wasn’t with them. 

“Now, let’s all sit. This will be a long story”.

 

* * *

 

The first thing on Hide’s mind when he woke up was the fact that he had left Kaneki waiting for him in the forest. He took his normal jacket and left. 

Meanwhile, no matter how much she had apologized, Kaneki still had a gloom on his face. Although she knew it wasn’t because of her, Touka couldn’t help but feel bad. She had said awful things, put all of the blame on him. Her hatred should be directed towards someone else, and that wasn’t even Hide. 

Because she remembered well how he had saved Hinami. Touka had been blinded by their circumstances that time and thought he was going to hurt her, so she acted on instinct. Kaneki’s scream in the last minute had made her blow less destructive, and she was sure that if it hadn’t been for him, she would have surely killed not three but four people in the same afternoon. 

Yoshimura’s speech destroyed everyone’s moral that night; nevertheless, she felt extremely responsible over Kaneki’s reaction. When he gave an explanation and then said that they all had to leave the next day, they were all miserable. But Kaneki, he had been crushed. 

They were in his room and she forced him into bed. Patting his back, she was trying to make him feel better. 

“You have to go”, she said, knowing that he would never move. 

So Touka decided to go there instead. 

Considering Kaneki was nowhere to be seen, he believed the other had already left. Maybe he was mad at him, because he hadn’t let him finish the kiss. Perhaps he hadn’t even come. 

He was lamenting himself when a foreign breeze passed through his bangs. Suddenly he felt that he wasn’t alone.

“You stink”, they said. He recognized the feeling of having taken a shower, skin refreshed and hair still damped with drops of water, but he couldn’t remember in which part of his day he had done that. A headache had been bothering him all along. 

He didn’t know whether to be scared or not, so he was measuring the field, speaking nonsense while the gears in his brain were running. “But I’m not even sweating!” 

“Not that kind of smell but… whatever”. The shadow jumped, landing in front of him. Hide knew that mask from somewhere, he had seen it in dreams. 

Sadly, he noticed the kagune when it was already too late. Red bullets were flying and he dodged them by falling on his butt. Hide then felt suspended in the air. Something was pressing his right ankle. 

He knew they had him, so why was he still alive? “What’s stopping you, huh? If you wanted me dead, you would have done it without showing yourself”, and the ghoul answered him with a grumbling noise.

Touka was getting angry because he was totally right. She released him, and Hide was glad of the grass preventing his head from getting any worse. 

“Give me a reason to let you live”, he heard. Under the moonlight, he saw the stars reflecting in her wing, which was scarlet. In awe, he thought it was beautiful. That until he recognized the being in front of him. Hide wanted to vomit. 

Images were passing through his eyes fast, like a movie that wasn’t working properly. Men having their guts out, heads flying, and somewhere in between, Kaneki’s voice. The puzzle was solving by the second, every piece falling in its place. Hide's temples were throbbing, and he started to feel dizzy. 

His father had been right. He had found himself an answer, along with a confirmation regarding the thoughts he had over his friend. Therefore, Hide made his move fast. 

He threw sand to the mask, blinding her, and before she could do anything, he put his arms around her. Touka was cursing herself for letting her guard down until she heard his words.

“I’m sorry”. And like that, he was embracing her. 

Touka didn’t know what to do, nor what to say. Hide told her that he could have stopped the death of that woman, if only he had known Mado’s real intentions when they left. She thought that was the name of the man who killed Hinami’s mother, the man she had murdered once Hide was unconscious. She wondered if the other investigator, the one who got him out of there, had told him already. But she didn’t know how to be sorry over killing someone with intent. She just couldn’t. Because if she hadn’t done it, Hinami would have died. 

“I nearly cut off your head a few hours ago. Are you really telling me that?” and Touka, perplexed, found herself crying. It was the first time she was incapable of fighting back tears since Ayato had disappeared. 

Hide stopped bowing to face her. Slowly, he put a hand on her mask, and Touka’s feelings came like a wave once she looked at his eyes. They were agonizing in something that she had known since she was born, and it was astonishing. Though he wasn’t a ghoul, he _knew_. 

“Who we are, and who we need to be to survive are very different things”. 

Eventually, they pulled apart, and Touka was settled. Without considering their standing, that he was the prey and she was the hunter, she made her own judgment. They were nothing but two people talking with each other. That was all that mattered. 

“I won’t kill you”, she declared. “After all, he would be sad”. 

She contemplated, amazed, how his face had changed over hearing that sentence. Kaneki was certainly someone dear to him if his only mention had such effect on him. Hide hunched his shoulders, turning away. 

“Is he okay? Kaneki, I mean…” He was biting his lower lip, swallowing hard his personal distress. 

“Yeah, don’t worry. He’s not hurt”. Touka now understood why Kaneki had always asked for his weekends to be free, negotiating with her for those days which he was so keen on spending out of the coffee shop.

Hide was worth the extra work she had put him through in exchange for her shift; because he was special, in the same way Yoriko was for her. 

And maybe fate didn’t exist, and they all had lived within lies. They could exist without violence, without needing to hide. Touka realized ghouls weren’t the only victims. Everyone had played a role in this cycle of hate. Both humans and ghouls were suffering. The remaining question was, how to change? 

He started walking and she thought he was leaving, but was taken aback when something appeared on his hand. It was a book what he was holding.

“This was supposed to be a birthday present but I ended up bringing it with me for some reason. Don’t know why, long ago I bought it on impulse, ya know?” he was scratching his chin, eyes closed. Touka wasn’t stupid. She knew he was lying. 

The whole point of a present was to see the other’s reaction. “Could you give it to him? Please…” and she took the object with her hand, carefully, because she knew that it was important. 

Afterwards, with nimbleness she placed her feet on a tree, supporting herself with her kagune. Touka was aiming for a great jump. As Yoshimura had said, they were coming, and they had to be prepared, so she said her goodbyes to the blond. 

“Don’t die”. Those were the only sounds leaving her mouth. 

They weren’t enemies, nor friends. In spite of that fact, she hoped for him not to be part of the upcoming battle. Even if she believed in him, the truth was well-known. 

Reality wasn’t fair, and there all dreamers vanished. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** He wasn’t wearing the eyepatch anymore. It was too tiring to read with it on and there was no need of having it now that he didn’t have to work, being Touka and Yomo the only ones inside the apartment they were all using to hide. Both were downstairs while Kaneki was in the room he was sharing with Nishio, who had left in the morning after claiming he had yet to say his farewells to someone.
> 
> The hanged man's MacGuffin, the book he had gotten from Hide, was in his hands. Kaneki was staring at the first page for the millionth time, utterly astonished, because there his name was written above Takatsuki Sen’s signature. She was by far his favorite author, but that wasn’t the reason why he was reading the novel for the second time in a row.


	5. Anteiku

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** “Don’t die”. Those were the only sounds leaving her mouth.
> 
> They weren’t enemies, nor friends. In spite of that fact, she hoped for him not to be part of the upcoming battle. Even if she believed in him, the truth was well-known.
> 
> Reality wasn’t fair, and there all dreamers vanished.

He wasn’t wearing the eyepatch anymore. It was too tiring to read with it on and there was no need of having it now that he didn’t have to work, being Touka and Yomo the only ones inside the apartment they were all using to hide. Both were downstairs while Kaneki was in the room he was sharing with Nishio, who had left in the morning after claiming he had yet to say his farewells to someone.

The hanged man's MacGuffin, the book he had gotten from Hide, was in his hands. Kaneki was staring at the first page for the millionth time, utterly astonished, because there his name was written above Takatsuki Sen’s signature. She was by far his favorite author, but that wasn’t the reason why he was reading the novel for the second time in a row.

Two days had passed since his last talk with Touka, before they all packed up their things and stayed still waiting for the others. He was caressing the paper, trying to imagine the hands that owned the fingerprints present in all of the pages. Thus, covering them with his own, Kaneki no longer found himself confused over it all. 

More than anything, he was relieved to know Hide’s wound hadn’t been serious. Whether the person he grew up with was real or not, Kaneki recognized the bleak passage of deciding it would only lead him nowhere; because Hide was both the investigator who saved Hinami and the friend he held on dearly, and he had learnt to accept him as a whole. 

He wanted every part of him in his life, even the fact that was pulling him apart. Taking a pen, he left the imprint of his thoughts. 

_Nagachika Hideyoshi._ Nothing else mattered if he could be with him.

Therefore, Kaneki wanted to see him; needed to, considering the lots of things that were left unsaid. Going to the CCG was out of the question so he had spent most of his days waiting for him, laying in the grass of their common place until late hours of the evening; and it was weird that Hide hadn’t come, not even once. 

Knowing his stubborn personality, the blond would have arrived early the next morning and left once he got what he wanted, even more now after how Touka had made their encounter sound. So Kaneki was wondering if by chance he had misunderstood her words when a shout came, breaking his train of thought.

"You fucking liar!" echoed off the walls as he was getting closer to the source; and once there, Kaneki didn't know what to say. In the screen, lots of ghouls were fighting, clearly outnumbered by doves. He recognized Irimi and Koma’s masks in different people, as well as the place that was burning in flames. What he used to call home, through thin but cruel waves of assaults was disappearing. Glasses shattering over shots, walls falling in pieces. 

It was horrible. “That whole thing about coming later was bullshit!” Yomo stopped her from destroying the TV with both arms while she was moving frenetically, side to side, trying to free herself from the restraints. Touka wasn’t crying, instead, she was hitting him with her feet and fists, quick strikes going while her tongue continued rambling sharp words.

 

“He said it wasn’t safe anymore, that we had to leave, not that he was planning on dying with them! You…you tricked us!” The reporter was talking as if the apocalypse just had started and he was actually part of the fight, making himself look like a hero while narrating the investigators’ actions. Then, the camera focused on the roof and they all recognized Yoshimura.

Though the old man was completely surrounded, he was keeping them in line. "We knew you would react like this. It's for the best, Touka–"

"No!" She squeezed her way out of the hold, aiming for the door until Yomo grabbed her arm. ”You, bastard! Let me go!"

“If you go, you will die and they all would have given up their lives in vain! Is that what you want?!” They had never seen him like that and tears were betraying her now. “Don't you understand that we can't do nothing?!" Kaneki heard the hollow thudding of her knees against the ground, which brought him back to reality.

His mind was yelling at him not to do it, that it would be pointless to even try, but he couldn't afford to watch the people he cared for die in front of him again.

He hadn’t been able to save his parents in the past, but this time, it would be different. The voice was asleep, so he stood.

 

"I can".

Yomo, incapable of stopping him as well, saw in disbelief how he rushed and left the room. Having his hands already full with the girl, his jaw clenched in frustration. He could only wish the other would survive.

So he left Touka on the floor and went to cover the entrance, thinking that he wouldn’t commit the same mistake with her. Yomo didn’t falter when her bloodshot eyes glared at him. He answered just the same.

“Both of you are still young, Touka”, she was closing the gap between them, knuckles whitening with every step. Yomo only lifted his head. “Their sacrifice, one day…” he dodged a punch directed at his mouth and pushed her inside, making her fall.

“I promise… you will understand”.

Every person who had stayed behind, shielding Anteiku with their lives for the last time, shared one purpose, had the same thought in mind. They had killed for entertainment, eating more than what was necessary to appease their hunger; seeking for domination instead of endurance, looking for power rather than survival.

Invaded by greed, hatred and fear, they had murdered only because they could. The strong crushed the weak, humans weren’t the fittest anymore. Though they had been hunting both innocents and doves, their same kind also suffered. Coexisting was becoming impossible, and everything could have been destroyed if it wasn’t for the change that came with a man.

A coffee shop, the place that had brought them all together, where they weren’t enemies and could eat without slaughter. Anteiku had made them realize their sins at the same time they were spared and given a second chance. It had been the solution that they had been pursuing, and now it was crumbling.

At the doors of death, they advanced with confidence; knowing that they were leaving something good behind, that they wouldn’t be forgotten. Irimi, Koma and Yoshimura, as well as the ghouls who had joined them with their cause, they were all searching for _redemption._

 _Numbers are against us but I'm sure we can manage. Somehow, if only..._ Kaneki was running while trying to come up with a strategy. His temples were throbbing, neurons overdriving with emotion, and he could see the smoke spreading from where he was, a few blocks away from their common region. Getting his mask out of his pocket, he kept on going ahead.

Nonetheless, when he reached the main street, doves were surrounding the area. There were at least ten of them guarding the avenue, some unarmed and still trying to evacuate the civilians who started to scream once he was noticed. Then, Kaneki took advantage of the turmoil and attacked.

He dodged several bullets aimed at his head, bending his body and thus increasing his speed. Kaneki wanted to pass the barricade avoiding confrontation, because he didn’t have the time nor the skill to deal with so many at once. 

The clock was ticking, reminding him that he shouldn’t waste his energy when he wasn’t even near the front lines. His immediate opponents weren’t strong individually, as he recognized with every feeble blow they were trying to give, but their forces combined were impeding his breakthrough.

Kaneki was about to release his kagune when someone, all covered in bandages and wearing a red hood, came from behind and created an opening through different explosions. He hadn’t been able to follow with his sight their movements, barely catching a few glimpses of what he supposed were shots similar to the ones Touka normally used to attack, but he knew from the heat emanating from them that they were the reason behind the pierced bodies laying on the floor. Strangely enough, the common appendages were nowhere to be seen.

Countless ghouls sharing the same cloak suddenly appeared, going savage over the few that were still standing. The air filled with a sickeningly dry and metallic scent, like covering in acid the crying crowd that was begging for help; and even though their lungs were burning with the sounds, the ones uniformed were already down and had their meat ripped away from them. Facing such hopelessness, Kaneki froze, and the figure at the front turned their back on the offense, looking at him as if regarding his value, before they jumped and followed the others.

So he sprinted and left them behind, clenching his fists under the thought of having abandoned even children. Kaneki had been thrilled over watching them, all of his senses getting on edge. _The ones who took over the 11th ward, it’s them!_ He had recognized the robes from the news, from all of the recurrent warnings about a lethal group that was gaining ground in the city. That infamous organization hadn’t been named yet by the media, but he knew well how they were called by the ghouls.

 

“Aogiri”, he whispered, charging over the man who had bumped into him only seconds ago. With such great physique, 6 feet tall and as wide as the trunk of a tree, it all seemed like a threat.

“You, stop! I’m not going to attack!” He said loudly between breathing noises, mainly due to the gas mask covering his mouth. Three people were behind him, their faces disguised in the same way. 

So taking the thing off, he inhaled deeply once in front of Kaneki; who had been taken aback over watching the action. “Kamishiro Rize, you smell just like her!” and his body was now floating in the air after being grabbed by the collar of his sweatshirt.

Kaneki was shaken by the name, what he thought only resided in his mind. The ghost rose in between giggles, thin vile sounds sending shivers down his spine. From the deepest part of his subconscious, his worst nightmare awakened.

“I–“ 

His trembling made the man’s expression harden with a frown, clenching his jaw until recognition dawned on his face. “Don’t tell me…” and a vein popped out in his neck before he shouted at Kaneki.

”All this time, she had a son!?” Incessant tugging almost made Kaneki vomit on the spot. Thus, scatterbrained and truly wanting to leave, he really hated his next words. 

“Sure–” and he swallowed his better judgment attempting to be more convincing. Kaneki had never despised his own existence as much as he was doing now. “…That’s me”.

The man, clearly shocked, dropped him and regretted it instantly once he heard the noise coming from Kaneki's body colliding with the concrete. Wide-eyed and anxious, he promptly bent over to help him in getting upright.

“S-sorry. You see, I’m Banjou, and I lov– knew, knew your mother! Ha–Ha, Ha…” Kaneki told him off bitterly, tired of everything. The shadow within him was increasing in depth so he disregarded him, thinking that now wasn’t the right moment for this.

"Please, wait! We need to talk!" Anger was coming from inconspicuous places. While his curiosity was telling him to stay and find out more about the woman who had become his grudge, another part of him kept on saying that he had other things to worry about, that many lives were at stake.

 _“You’re weak”._ His fear presented itself after years of being absent, embracing him coldly the moment he faced those eyes. He saw venom in shades of purple, then crimson mixed with black. She was changing her gaze constantly, smirking while her violet hair was getting longer and longer until Kaneki found himself confined, unable to move or even breathe, being trapped in his own mind.

_Shut up._

Making exasperated sighs, he gradually composed, impotence growing inside of him now that he had the truth at reach but he couldn’t take it. Kaneki then realized that he had been thinking out loud, because Banjou was offering his help in exchange for a talk about Rize’s past. Though hesitation invaded him at first, he rolled the dice and decided to trust the man as well as his companions. 

Despite not having encountered major adversities up to this point, Kaneki knew the worst was awaiting him just ahead. He could feel it in his bones. Whispers constantly reminded him that he was weak, a coward who was only doing this selfishly because he didn’t want to be left alone. His lack of ability could bring all possible outcomes, so he would have to rely on others if he really wanted to decrease the prospect of failing. 

He nodded giving to Banjou his approval, who then made a command signaling for others to join. Dozens of them appeared, surfacing from the silence with no trace of blood, and that made Kaneki feel more confident with his purpose. Nevertheless, having his back covered with numbers wasn’t enough and everything crumbled once they reached Koma’s location. 

Something similar to a lighting had struck them, dazzling gusts of wind going furiously through the ones who hadn’t avoided the hit. Kaneki was on the floor, assimilating the situation when he recognized the old waiter amidst the fallen. The Devil Ape’s mask, the snarling monkey face that once had caused fear to many, laid broken beside the wound in his chest. 

“Sante!” Banjou screamed while going towards the injured, carrying his companion and saving them from another blow that came immediately after.

Kaneki tried to stand on his feet in vain, burning his throat once he opened his mouth. He wanted to yell, say to the others to get Koma and escape, but the thing that was bothering his eyes had proved to be more than dust. 

Agonizing needles were cutting his flesh without shedding blood, contorting his muscles and making him collapse. The electrical shockwave had made him revive his childhood; surrounded by nothing but white, in bed under the defibrillator that kept on fulminating him with continuous thunders.

_“Whose fault is it that things ended up like this?”_

Something was trying to get out of him; slashing his insides to break through the skin, shredding the organs that were in the way. 

“Stop…” He could feel the bites that came from being eaten. Kaneki closed his eyes, tightening his lips until it hurt; but Rize was still laughing in front of him. 

In vain, Banjou was shaking him; hands over his shoulders and screaming in his face. The man was forming sentences that he couldn’t understand.

“The monkey guy, we have him already! We gotta move, now!!”

He couldn’t hear anything that wasn’t coming from within. _It’s you, it’s you, it’s you,_ and her words weren’t stopping. Kaneki was pulling his hair out, flaming limbs sprouting uncontrollably from him, craving for the bodies that surrounded him, desiring to annihilate.

Banjou’s fist shattered all of the voices once in his mouth, clouding his mind enough to blur Rize’s ghost. His reflexes had been saving him all this time, kagune moving on its own and slicing the doves that wanted to cut his head off, but now that he was conscious again Kaneki had to rely on Banjou’s hold to escape without getting caught in the process.

After a while, he felt dizzy but no longer had the sensation of being thunderstruck. They weren’t in the warfare anymore.

“I'm sorry, Banjou-san. Your men...” He saw Koma wearing Aogiri’s cloak, and was about to ask when the other explained that it would be easier to leave in that way; pretending to be part of their gang. 

Even though his size was huge and he had overall an appearance that made him look fearsome, Banjou was showing to be completely the opposite. Kaneki had never seen someone so worried about a person that they had just met, hesitating in their movements as if the mere touch of skin could pain nonexistent wounds. He was even behaving motherly to him, cleaning the few scratches that he had on his face carefully with a piece of cloth. So he felt even more disgusted with the taste that was in his mouth. 

Once possessed by Rize, Kaneki couldn't tell apart what was real and what was coming from his madness. "Kid, you were a monster in there, slashing everything with your rinkaku, just like the binge eater, just like..." He patted his back, slowly, before averting his gaze.

"You... you really reminded me of– ".

"Kaneki", he intervened, not wanting to be compared to her.

"What?"

"My name's Kaneki".

Banjou backed away, staring at him. "You don't have her last name even though you're both related?"

"That's why we– " but Kaneki flinched, holding his breath as if the air was poisoned.

Flashed by yellow, overwhelmed by the beating in his chest, he experienced the effects that came every time he saw the one standing only a few meters ahead; but instead of pleasurable waves going through him, he was drowning by colossal tides filled with panic. 

The sea was full of nothing but _wine._

Anteiku was already crossing the street when he noticed Hide's figure from the crowd. How could he avoid it? Without himself knowing, his eyes were fixed in the blond and the sight was terrifying him enough to quiet down his multiple inner voices.

Kaneki left Banjou, legs flying while telling the other to take Koma somewhere safe. More than sorrow, more than anger, the emotion that arose within him was despair. 

Hide laid unmoving on the floor, like a star losing its brightness, oddly quiet for him. The image was getting clearer with every step he gave, as fast as he could while nails were digging furiously in his hands. Kaneki didn’t need to look twice to know there were others beside him. He had to get there quick, finish with whatever was in front and save him. When he leaped, four reddish limbs sprout from the deepest of his misery. After all, the worst ordeal that he could imagine was happening.

He was bleeding. 

 

* * *

 

“Isn’t it funny how he keeps trying?”

He was running, asking himself whether his legs were the problem or not. Anteiku was near and it was on fire, black steam spreading everywhere, screaming with explosions waves full of despair. 

“And look! He’s still holding the cuffs of your pants! As if there was– Ha!”

 _Kaneki… I need to…_

“Humans sure are all stubborn!”

Though he was putting every sweat on it, the building didn’t seem to be approaching. Even from afar he could feel the heat; destroying every layer of his skin, crushing his bones and blinding his eyes until he saw nothing but shaded smoke. Air wasn’t reaching his lungs so he was suffocating. Death was surrounding him the moment he breathed in hell. 

“This is pathetic…”

“Don’t!” _First you went to Anteiku, trying to investigate on your own._ His father’s words were the only thing he could hear. “It would be a waste to get rid of him considering how long he’s lasted”. _Then, last night, you left again without my permission._ Even though his throat reverberated with the sounds, the screams couldn’t reach him.

 _I made myself clear, Hideyoshi._ The hands pulling his hair now resembled the ones that had enclosed him with walls; keeping him alone for days, in grief amidst the blackness of the space. 

“Nico”, why couldn’t he see anything? _You give me no choice._

If it wasn’t for his mother, he would have probably died. They never gave him water, much less food. Thanks to her, he was able to deceive the guards and escape. Hide had figured everything out already, after talking with his father; Kaneki was in danger, as well as the ghouls in Anteiku, so he was desperate to leave. He needed to, in order to tell them. 

Some watery breath was in his neck, making him nauseous. Warm and unbearable, though he was senseless, the moisture was making itself present. _Save him… I… need to…_

"You know that fighting makes me hungry”.

The pain was excruciating, threatening his conscience with needles piercing all around his body; nevertheless, he was moving. _I’m moving, right?_ After all, his muscles were sore. He couldn’t feel it directly, but he knew that at some point his nerves had given up on transmitting the signals when someone had hit him in the stomach, deafening his senses in spite of facing harm. 

“Excuses! Even if you wanted to, you can’t cheat on me, Yamori-kun!”

His white suit didn’t even have a scratch. “Don’t be a burden and go help Noro with the other. I’m fucking tired of his crying”. If only, there were a few reddish fingerprints at the bottom of his trousers.

“And leave you here with someone so tasty? No way in hell!” There was something moving in his lips before Hide tasted blood. _His_ blood. 

“Stop fooling around!” Somehow, the hold in his head disappeared and he collapsed on the floor.

“Why? Does it make you jealous?” Wiggling his eyebrows and cleaning with his tongue the liquid from his fingers, Nico had steady eye contact with Yamori. “I mean, the boy was cute before you got him!”

“Fuck off”, the bigger man was glaring at him while cracking his knuckles. It had been a long time since the operation ended; investigators could come at any second now that they weren’t engaged with the One-Eyed Owl. 

Bowing his head in a ridiculous manner, Nico retorted with a libidinous voice. 

“Gladly”.

He hadn’t taken the time of looking down and see the wound for himself, so he stopped. Merely his trembling, though; considering his position hadn’t changed since the first blow came trespassing like a ghost, clenching his insides, making its way through him creating a hole. Such sight was terrifying, taking over his mind while triggering old nightmares. He was nowhere near something else besides his own pool of blood. 

“What we came for, I already have it. Such a noisy piece of trash… but…” He heard the snap of the whip before actually seeing the thing coming. There were three of them, two men and a woman dressed as investigators.

Yamori could easily deal with it, having already dodged and thrown three of his multiple members at them; but he gave it a second thought. After all, why would he stay to play when more interesting toys were waiting for him at home?

How could he possibly do that when standing was impossible? How could he possibly stand when he felt nothing? He had no place on this fight, no chance of winning since it all began. With us or against us, it has always been like that; so when he held both of them in his arms, everything ended up collapsing. Hopes alone can’t win a battle. It had been more than what he could handle. He was strong but not strong enough, he had been fast but not fast enough. Tears weren’t enough to express his agony so he screamed. 

"Such a shame that I can't take you as a snack", and in the blink of an eye, he disappeared. Akira was kneeling beside him, taking his pulse.

“Damn it… I can’t…” Seidou averted his gaze. Covering his mouth with both hands, he tried to hold in the bile; he didn’t want to vomit.

“He’s still alive!” Akira had an ear pressed on his chest. She didn’t even have to ask for one of them to go and get the paramedics. 

Amon was running already.

So close and so far, amidst the cries, everything went dark. He had no legs, no way of leaving this inferno. His life was trapped in the middle of this madness, trying to find someone that was no longer there. That he didn’t know, so he braced on that illusion. 

“Quick, cover him with this!”

It was the only thing that could keep him alive. 

 

* * *

 

Kaneki sat on a chair, placed in the middle of a room that he didn’t know. Both his feet and hands were chained, the extra weight bending his body even more. Also, the odor in the atmosphere was disgusting; like a swamp having a fever, as if he was all covered in urine and there were fish degrading behind him. 

Some headache was interfering with his normal cognitive functions; he couldn’t recall a thing regarding the reason of his current state. Everything was blurred in his mind until he saw the man who was pacing around the area just like sharks preyed in the ocean. 

“You’re awake, huh?” Why couldn’t he get his kagune out? Kaneki was craving for murder and his body was trembling in frustration. The mere sight of him fueled in his veins the merciless desire.

He wanted him to die. “Then, I’ll ask you one thing”. The chair was moving sideways due to his vain efforts of trying to release. His forehead was full of sweat even though the weather was frigid, and Kaneki realized the clothes he was wearing weren’t even his. 

The voice was muffled in his ears. _Hide…_

“What’s one thousand minus seven?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** “Keep what you have seen a secret. Absolutely no one can know”.
> 
> The former Chairman of the CCG, Tsuneyoshi Washuu, was seated at the head of the table. His expression was unyielding despite of the age, framed by curtains of silver hair and a beard, overall making him look more solemn.
> 
> Several others had their eyes fixed on him in astonishment; they had been called to personally report the Owl Suppression Operation, but weren’t expecting to be confided with such information. The press would clearly react on their disadvantage, spreading the notice like a fire that would burn them through the population; so they understood why their superior was ordering that from them.


	6. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** “You’re awake, huh?” Why couldn’t he get his kagune out? Kaneki was craving for murder and his body was trembling in frustration. The mere sight of him fueled in his veins the merciless desire.
> 
> He wanted him to die. “Then, I’ll ask you one thing”. The chair was moving sideways due to his vain efforts of trying to release. His forehead was full of sweat even though the weather was frigid, and Kaneki realized the clothes he was wearing weren’t even his.
> 
> The voice was muffled in his ears. _Hide…_
> 
> “What’s one thousand minus seven?”

“Keep what you have seen a secret. Absolutely no one can know”. 

The former Chairman of the CCG, Tsuneyoshi Washuu, was seated at the head of the table. His expression was unyielding despite of the age, framed by curtains of silver hair and a beard, overall making him look more solemn. 

Several others had their eyes fixed on him in astonishment; they had been called to personally report the Owl Suppression Operation, but weren’t expecting to be confided with such information. The press would clearly react on their disadvantage, spreading the notice like a fire that would burn them through the population; so they understood why their superior was ordering that from them. 

Silence would be needed to endure the upcoming situation. “Due to your performance and the successful rescue of my grandson from the S-rated ghoul known as Jason, you have all been promoted”, and despite the lack of a ceremony, one by one they stood to receive their respective awards from the Bureau Chief. The three of them could only be congratulated by him, considering there wasn’t another person present in the meeting. 

At the moment, most investigators were fighting in the 6th ward to block the advance of Aogiri. The 18th had fallen along with the 21st, putting the North at risk and making people migrate to other locations. 

They knew they were trying to surround them, overtaking the borders first and then going to the Main Office; so it was weird that the 11th ward hadn’t made a move yet. It was only a matter of time before they also started assaulting the South. 

After all, ghouls everywhere were acting recklessly now that Arima had finally been _wounded_. “Associate Special Class Investigator Koutarou Amon, as well as First Rank Investigators Mado Akira and Takizawa Seidou, you may all leave the room”. 

Amon stood first and opened the door for them, making Seidou’s frown increase in depth. When they all were walking in a different hallway, Akira was the one who broke the silence.

“So that’s why his legs are recovering. Wouldn’t expect less from the medical research department”. They had covered his body with a blanket to avoid unwanted gazes until they reached the ambulance. It was well-known who the son of the Bureau Chief was, so they had been told to do it in order to prevent further inconveniences. 

Now they knew the actual reason. “But I don’t get it. Why haven’t they used this method before?” Seidou regarded them with narrow eyes, then shrugged while looking down. “It would have helped a lot of people…”

“Using RC cells for treatment isn’t a safe procedure, so it can’t be done to everyone”, Amon said while squeezing lightly one of Seidou’s shoulders. The other man, strangely, let him do it. They all had had their fair share of losses within their teams; he needed that sympathy. “As Yoshitoki-san said, it depends on the individual; based on whether they are compatible or not, the results would vary…” 

Amon was staring into space. What if his mentor had been submitted to that treatment? Would he be still by his side, working as his partner? Would he be proud of what he had become? His incompetence had taken Mado’s life that day, when he only got back with Nagachika in arms. It had been because of him that they were defeated, he was sure. 

Would Akira still have a father if it wasn’t for him? 

“Both of you, stop pitying yourselves. For all we know, Hideyoshi was lucky enough to get ghoul regenerative abilities instead of cancer. That generally wouldn’t be the case, yet people would still want the treatment”. She started to walk, leaving them behind until they got out of their mental struggle and could follow her. 

Once out of the building, Akira stopped. Both men bumped into each other due to the sudden lack of movement. “The Chairman was right in not wanting this info to be leaked”. She turned slowly to face them. Determination overshadowed exhaustion in her features. “If it only took half an hour to make the two of you doubt the organization, who knows what would happen if they knew that Hideyoshi’s growing out legs”. 

Amon clenched his fists and looked up, not wanting to show her the shame on his face. Akira was right. For a moment, he had questioned his loyalty towards the CCG. 

Seidou was just the same, with the exception of a blabbering that was making the conversation even more awkward. "Seidou, for God's sake, please stop. You're giving me a headache". Closing her eyes, she put one hand on her forehead.

“After all of this, I… _we_ really need a drink”, and the shorter man looked at her, wide-eyed. 

“You normally wouldn’t do anything with us at this hour, not even having dinner! What the hell is happening? Did I bother you that much?” Seidou put her hand aside and looked at her, apparently worried. 

“ _Ugh_ , shut up…” 

Amon stared at her, and saw in her eyes a message that was beyond comprehensible words. Because just like them, Akira was suffering; even more considering she was the one who spent most of her time with the blond. He couldn’t imagine how it would feel, to lose both her father and someone she held so dear in the short span of a week. 

The worst part was that even if she wanted to cry or somehow alleviate her pain, she couldn’t do it. He was sure that she didn’t even have the time to do so. 

They all had been wrapped up in this mess.

So without the knowledge of what to say in this kind of circumstances, he nodded. Then, being the majority’s decision, Seidou said that he had no other choice but to go and ensure that they wouldn’t be skipping work tomorrow.

"You more than anyone know that it will be the other way around", and she smiled, grateful for not having to say her goodbyes to them too. Despite knowing that it was forced, both corresponded the gesture and began their way to the nearest bar.

As soon as they were seated in the place, Akira found out that the drink was awful; but still, her throat needed the heat and the alcohol was doing it just perfectly. Her glass had been emptied, and she was regarding both men while making a chuckle. 

“My treat”, she said.

 

* * *

 

Hide awoke having a funny taste in his mouth. His body felt numb for some reason, and he could hear different voices from afar.

“…That’s why they think it would have been easier if he had been born female”.

“Hairu, you shouldn’t be talking so freely. We could–“

“It’s okay, Koori! After all, we’re in a secluded section of the hospital”.

“He’s right, Ihei-san". Through his eyelids, he could feel the light's pressure. The mere thought of opening them hurt.

He was so tired. “Arima-san isn’t the only patient in this room”. 

Little by little, Hide became aware of his surroundings. In front of his bed, there was a man standing; brown hair encompassing an unreadable expression. Next to him, some pink haired woman – who was probably way older than her looks – smiled while a man with the most laughable haircut made a mindful frown. 

He was about to comment on the bowl-cut when he felt a hand on his feet. 

The sensation was there, spreading goose bumps trough his skin by the touch. Sweat started to form on his temples with every short breath that he was taking. Because Hide remembered the ghoul’s feet crushing his bones, liquefying his muscles and making them look like a pulp while someone else was desperately screaming his name. 

“Hirako, you’re making him feel uncomfortable”. 

“I’m sorry, Arima-san”.

How had he gone blind during the siege? He was so keen on finding Kaneki that once the hit came it was too late for a reaction. Some unyielding force had him put against the ground while the pain was coming from everywhere. His head, stomach, arms, legs. Especially his legs. 

Despite he was barely conscious throughout the whole ordeal, he was sure. There was only one person on Earth that called him like that, pronouncing every letter of his name as if their life depended on it. 

The fact alone scared him tremendously.

That Kaneki had come but wasn’t with him.

 _Where was... How?_

“Nagachika, right?"

 _How long have I been unconscious?_

"So far, four months and a half. But look, don’t panic! I know everyone’s firsts at the hospital are pretty much awful, but you’re not alone!” She held his hand and he flinched. In spite of being warm, it shocked him because the contact showed him how cold his body was.

“We’re here to help you!” 

Hide assessed the situation. He didn’t have the strength to stand, much less to fight if it was required. Judging from the white trench coats that they were all wearing, he was dealing with investigators.

So he would have to play along to get answers. “Thank you”, and he gave her a hug as if she was his own mother. He didn’t mind it, though; despite not knowing the person, he was in need of the gesture. Nevertheless, it was weird how he tended to find solace in foreign arms.

They broke the embrace with him feeling quite better. “What was your name again?” Hide said while throwing them one of his typical smiles. 

“Oh, I’m sorry! My bad, I should have done it since the beginning”. She stood and put herself next to the expressionless man. He appeared to be thinking, and that was making him nervous.

“I’m Ihei Hairu, the one with the funny haircut is Ui Koori, and this is Hirako Take. As you can tell, we’re all working for the CCG, currently taking care of our injured squad leader”. 

"Squad... leader?" 

The person in the bed moved, making him notice them for the first time. Hide tried to think that they hadn't been staring at him all the while. Because he was used of getting distracted easily but this was ridiculous.

Hide didn't need for Hairu to answer his question; he knew well who this man was.

Regardless of his appearance, his hair was completely white. Also, there were some glasses on the bedside table, and Hide supposed they were his. 

Such a shame, really, due to his eyes having a color in between gray and blue. He was sure that through the lenses one couldn't appreciate enough the slight blush of the storm within them or the clouds that shaded both irises.

Indeed, they were beautiful. They reminded him of Kaneki's. 

Hide gasped. "Arima Kishou?"

With a movement of his hand, he dismissed the three others that had been accompanying them. Nonetheless, Hirako stayed behind to look at their vitals one last time before leaving them alone. 

It was odd, how he ended up being with the renowned Special Class. The atmosphere felt heavy, so he tried to calm himself down while ruffling his hair and thinking what would be the best way to start a conversation with him. 

Fidgeting with his sheets would take him nowhere, but the other’s scrutiny wasn’t helping either. 

"Hmmm, my name's Nagachika Hideyoshi but you can call me-"

"I know who you are".

Why had he asked for his teammates to leave if he didn't want to talk with him? Was he socially awkward by nature or did he merely have a thing against Hide?

Minutes were passing by and his anxiety was only increasing, due to the unnatural spot that he had on the dialogue. Though it couldn’t even be considered such a thing.

His words had been changed for observations, the other's eyes not leaving his face, and Hide thought that he was witnessing for the first time how someone else was counting his freckles.

He forced himself to maintain eye contact until the blush was unbearable. 

"You're allowed to make only one question, therefore, think wisely". 

_Huh?_ Was he playing with him? Because Hide's mind clearly had more than a thousand questions running around. Hell, he was embodied doubt at this point.

Where was Kaneki? Was he okay? His lower lip trembled. He really hoped he was. And why did he have his legs back? Weren't they gone? Was he becoming a kind of werelizard now? 

But instead, he asked for something completely unrelated to his internal struggle. 

"Are you going to be okay?" And the sentence seemed to be floating in the air. 

Arima didn’t speak immediately. He was surprised. Among everything that he could have asked, he wasn't expecting to give out that information about himself. 

Nowadays, nobody cared about that. "I mean, you're the White Reaper, isn't it? The undefeatable investigator". The man didn't say a word so Hide continued. "I'm just worried about you. Having such a big weight on your shoulders, it can't be healthy..." he narrowed his eyes for a while till lines formed on his forehead. 

"It must be really tiring. Because even heroes have their flaws, right? But people forget that".

Arima didn't know that someone like him existed within the CCG. Moreover, amid the Washuu. 

"You're technically my uncle, I think. Bloodlines kinda confuse me. I'm glad of finally meeting you, though!"

He found himself smiling back at this boy, which was weird. Arima commonly showed nothing but accustomed politeness towards everyone.

This exchange of words was, unexpectedly, deep and emotional. "I'll be fine, thank you. In fact, I've been in here more time than I should". 

Hide made a pause, looking at the ceiling while pressing his lips together. 

He faced him again. "Can I get to know why?"

"I fear not, Nagachika”, and the boy’s face gave him a half-smile. Hide already knew that Arima wouldn’t tell him. “Nonetheless, you're kind..." He looked passed him, at the door, where a woman stood seemingly worried.

"You will get the answers when the moment comes".

During the raid, the real One-Eyed Owl had been pinned against the ground by him. A woman amidst lumps of meat was laughing, bloody remains of the monster in which she usually transformed around her. She was covered poorly in bandages, barely covering her womanhood. Still, Arima didn't have any hesitation about killing her.

"Now I got you, pretty boy~". In spite of her wounds, she grabbed him forcefully with both arms. He got her, then why...?

The last thing Arima could remember was the light that rose from the white pieces of cloth before several waves of pain invaded him though different explosions.

Regardless of his wounds, he knew chances of survival for the ghoul were minimal. Was it really worth his life for her to trick him displaying such a suicidal attempt?

Clearly, that thought hadn't crossed his mind. Ghouls were truly unpredictable. 

"Mrs. Nagachika".

"Arima-san". 

They both bowed their heads simultaneously, greeting each other as it was usually done in their family. Hide had never been in the particular of following those traditions.

Maybe it was because of him that his mother wasn't a crying mess that could asphyxiate him at any minute with a hug. "Hide... I'm so happy to see you're okay". Definitely, it was Arima's presence what was holding her back. 

"Mom, you're embarrassing me. Combing my hair with your hands was only fair when I was a child!" Hide tried to get her fingers out of the yellow bush that surely he had for hair. He knew the action was more than needed, but this wasn't the time, nor the place.

Looking presentable for his father could wait. "Please, mom, tell me what...” She had her gaze fixed on him, overflowing with affection. The joy turned into sadness with his next words. 

“What happened?"

 _After leaving the house, reaching Anteiku and experiencing the worst beating that I have ever had...?_ He could have sworn that he was no longer alive. 

_How did I even manage to get in here?_

Sitting on his bed with her legs crossed, she took her time before giving him a response. 

"Akira found you, along with other people that helped her in getting you here before it was too late. You had lost so much blood, and I...” Grief clouded her features but he didn’t stop her. 

“We really thought you were leaving us. You actually did it a couple of times". 

_What?_

Hide looked for Arima's gaze, but he was trying to give them both some kind of privacy by reading a book. 

"At the end, the treatment worked. RC cells were administered to your body via intravenous, inhibiting your wounds and allowing you to recover". 

"Wait a second there". Hide had a hand in front of her, wide eyes looking nowhere in particular. "Do you mean that I was able to grow out legs because you made me have the same RC levels of a ghoul?"

Mrs. Nagachika inhaled before sighing loudly. Arima’s turning of pages served them as background noise. 

"Basically, yes". 

Gently, he rubbed his eyes. Was this real? What in the world was happening? Hide was filled with bewilderment to the point that he started to feel dizzy. 

Everything was confusing him, and he was so tired. "So I'm not... becoming a lizard?" He said between yawns. 

"What? Of course not, you dork!" She pinched his nose and he started to laugh; the lasts bits of energy that he had left him with the action. 

"Now, look at you! You need to rest. Sleep, and I promise I'll tell you more about it tomorrow". 

She helped him on accommodating his covers and pillows, making him sleep steadily once he was surrounded by both comfort and warmth. 

Mrs. Nagachika looked at her work satisfied, caressing his forehead before giving it a kiss. She was planning on leaving him now.

"When are you going to tell him the truth?" Arima's voice would appear aggressive to other people, but she had known him since they were both small. 

"Unless giving him meat through a tube is called via intravenous, I believe you lied to him". She knew well the tone wasn't intentional. 

He merely showed her with it that he was worried. That he _cared_. "You know that you can't keep on going with this forever".

Trying not to be consumed by her guilt, Mrs. Nagachika looked down; and when she faced him again, her eyes were a little bit red. 

"I know that. Believe me, I truly do". Some rebellious strand of hair was covering the right side of her face, so she put it behind her ear without delay. She was confident that her actions were ensuring the best for Hide. At least, that was the idea in which she was holding on to. 

"Eventually, he will know... but until then..." She looked at the rising and falling of his chest, at the drool that was already wetting his pillow while hearing the mumbling noises that he was saying in his sleep. All of that felt overwhelming inside of her. 

Because against all odds, Hide was here. He was _alive_.

Being at the door, she turned one last time to face him before entering the corridor. 

Arima expected nothing less. 

"I'd like to give him the life he deserved", and like that, she left the room.

 

* * *

 

"Stay there as much as you want. I already told you everything I know".

"But Kirishima-san, I fear that you're not giving me enough information to find him!”. 

A tall guy was standing near the entrance of an apartment, where a girl clearly had the intention of closing the door on his face. 

"Tsukiyama, I swear that you will regret it if you don't leave now". Her grip on the door knob was getting stronger, threatening to pull the thing out of its hold. 

Despite her almost fierce warning, the glamorous man didn’t back away. "I don't have the time nor the will to deal with you right now".

Tension could be cut with knives. 

Her eyes were changing.

Tsukiyama stayed still, smirking. "Kaneki was dear for the both of us. I only think is fair for me to know too about his whereabouts", and he showed her the same glare; darkness mixed with red. 

"Don't you think, _Ki-ri-shi-ma-san_?" He said while using a hand to hold the door in place, forming a few cracks under the pressure.

" _Ughhh_ ” She grabbed his arm and pushed the door aside, backing up a little to let him in. Tsukiyama merely chuckled. “You will definitely pay for this! Freakin’ wooden gates good for naught… I won't be repeating this again!" 

He wasn’t a guest so she didn’t offer him any coffee nor invited him to the kitchen. Tsukiyama was here for… _business_. 

Better deal with the main topic now. That way, he would be leaving faster. 

"Last time I saw him, he wasn't even himself. He escaped without our help in the first place". She began, both standing in front of the other a few meters beside the entrance. 

Touka remembered well that night. They all had gone there to save Kaneki, taking advantage of the attack that the CCG was going to perform against them. Surely enough, Aogiri would be able to handle both. But they weren't expecting to win; their main purpose was getting Kaneki out of there. 

Nevertheless, somehow he was already free when they arrived.

"Touka-chan… I'm sorry", he had said when she asked him to go back with them. 

He seemed different, both physical and mentally. His hair was longer and instead of black, it was white. His nails had been darkened for some reason, and he was paler than usual. 

Touka hadn't told him but he also smelled different. And she hated to know why. 

"He's gone", she told Tsukiyama. The CCG was taking measures that made almost impossible for them to stay in Tokyo.

Maybe, the time had come for them to be leaving too; say their farewells and move forward. At the end, it was the only way in which they wouldn’t be left behind. 

"The Kaneki we all know no longer exists".

Whether they were dying slowly or living fast, she didn’t know anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** His fingers were on the glass, almost threatening to break it.
> 
> Not so long ago, when he had passed in front of the TVs that were on display, he had thought that people tended to forget the real meaning behind numbers; how the symbolism actually goes beyond the purpose of counting.
> 
> Because the news were only telling him back and forth how many had fallen but not how awfully they all had probably died; and judging from how they were handling the story, he was sure that they didn’t even know.


	7. Mutual disclosure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** "He's gone", she told Tsukiyama. The CCG was taking measures that made almost impossible for them to stay in Tokyo.
> 
> Maybe, the time had come for them to be leaving too; say their farewells and move forward. At the end, it was the only way in which they wouldn’t be left behind.
> 
> "The Kaneki we all know no longer exists".
> 
> Whether they were dying slowly or living fast, she didn’t know anymore.

  
His fingers were on the glass, almost threatening to break it. 

Not so long ago, when he had passed in front of the TVs that were on display, he had thought that people tended to forget the real meaning behind numbers; how the symbolism actually goes beyond the purpose of counting. 

Because the news were only telling him back and forth how many had fallen but not how awfully they all had probably died; and judging from how they were handling the story, he was sure that they didn’t even know.

“One thousand four hundred fifty seven casualties came from the last mission according to the Commission of Counter Ghoul, encompassing both civilians and investigators which shows…” He had heard while drops of water started soaking his black hood. 

The reporter was bothering him with her monotonous speech. “The press has been permitted to attend for the first time in order to give a public announcement regarding the situation”. 

He could see the images on the screen but her voice was disappearing. Yoshimura, Irimi… so far, how many had left him?

A buzzing sound was absorbing his surroundings but he didn’t try to avoid it by covering his ears. It would be futile, to avoid the source when it was within.

_“Eat…”_

Kaneki was roaring spine-chilling laughs with the burning sensation that was inside his head, scratching behind his eyes and mixing up every thought that he could muster by liquefying his brain.

_“How many people had you been unable to protect?”_

They couldn’t possibly know the pain that came from those losses.

 _Eat…_ He needed to eat to be stronger, or that he had learnt from the man who got tired once he stopped screaming.

Rambling something about him pretending to be tough, Yamori had left only to come back throwing at his feet what it seemed to be chalk.

“He didn’t taste bad, I’ll give him that”. 

”What?” Kaneki had merely dared to answer, not fearing him but the meaning behind those words. 

It all smelled like Hide. 

“Don’t you get it? Those are my souvenirs. Bastard thought he could get away after staining my suit”. Kaneki had hoped he had given him enough time to escape. 

His worst mistake had been not considering that he _wouldn’t_.

_“Rather than a person who hurts others, become the person getting hurt.”_

_No…_

“I ate him. He’s dead”. The bones of both his hands and feet were breaking under the pressure. Kaneki’s movements were reckless. “And now, I’ll eat you☻”. The chair crumbled in pieces at the same time his bloody limbs were regenerating.

_“Now he’s dead because of you.”_

_Lies-lies-lies-lies-lies-lies-lies-lies-lies-lies–_

From that point onwards, his actions had driven him towards insanity. Kaneki’s instincts had taken over him, finding pleasure in breathing the man’s guts despite the horrible taste filling his mouth. The dripping sound of it was encouraging so once he stood and looked at everything, a smile formed on his face. 

White light had finally faded to red. 

That’s why seeing now the figure on the screen made him gasp. They were standing behind the dais, speaking timidly through the microphone; wearing a suit that was lacking a necktie, barely revealing part of their collarbones.

Smirking, Kaneki felt the familiar clenching in his middle. He was glad, he was happy, he was–

The glass finally shattered, cutting his tips. 

It couldn’t be known, whether those were tears or not because of the rain. Both his eyes and nose crinkled when he reached the television, plastering his blood all around the machine’s front while trying to touch the boy’s face. 

Kaneki was beaming with delight, his body trembling despite the weather not being cold. There wasn’t a soul present on the street because they all had left once the word was out that Aogiri would come. In fact, he was here for that.

_Hide…_

After all, he was _hungry_.

 

* * *

 

Living where the meeting was going to take place made almost impossible for him to be late, considering his bedroom was even on the same floor. Nevertheless, he wanted to, and it would have been like that if it hadn't been for them. 

"Who gets burgers for breakfast these days? Ain’t you old enough to know how to eat properly?" The four of them were sharing a table, having displayed there from salads to scrambled eggs. The food in question stood out from the others, though; being all wrapped up in a colorful paper that read Big Girl. 

“No wonder why you’re still as thin as a pole. You will never recover like this”. Akira sighed at those words, giving him napkins for both the sauce that was dripping from his mouth and the hands that threatened to stain his clothing.

“Seidou’s right, Nagachika. It will take longer if you keep forbidding the nutrients that your body needs”, said the woman who was eating the healthiest meal that Hide had ever seen. Greens were mixed in perfect balance with fruits, chicken and cheese while the thing that he was eating pretty much looked like a disaster at this point. 

The bread had been ripped in the middle because of his fingers' hold, mustard and tomato sauce were mixing creating some new orange flavor that despite being good was spilled everywhere on his plate, and the only not so unhealthy ingredient wasn’t really that much present due to his previous disposal. 

He thanked Akira for the napkins while cleaning himself. It might be weird but Hide didn’t find uncomfortable the feeling of having his hands sticky. 

Playing with dirt when it rained had been one of his preferred activities when he was a child; making dirt cakes and splattering water drops once finished as if he was celebrating someone’s birthday. 

At the end, he would get home and his mother would have an actual cake with gummy worms on it ready for him to eat. Those were so far the few things that he could recall about his life before being eight. 

From what his mother had told him, he knew he hadn’t always been smart; but it was weird, not having at least memories about his first dog – which he had seen in pictures.

“Koutarou-san, you’re not going to eat anything?” the blond said, trying to avoid the others’ concerned faces. 

Evading the topic would be hard with Akira being here. Hide could even swear that sometimes she was worse than his own mom. 

She was so stubborn. “Here, have some french fries!”

He literally tossed them at his face, a few even falling due to the sudden movement, and one of the fries almost got Amon’s eye but he was able to blink before the thing could blind him. 

Lines were forming between his brows when he struggled with forming a response. He would need a quick visit to the bathroom now that he had drops of fat blemishing his suit.

“I ate before coming, Nagachika, thanks for offering”, the man said, clearing afterwards his throat.

“But you should really be listening to them. At your age, nutrition is important because it will affect how– “ but Hide intervened putting a fry in his mouth, shutting him up with the salty taste of potatoes.

“Of course mister _I don’t drink soda ‘cause is poisoned water_! I promise to follow your example and eat like a horse from now on!” 

Amon’s cheeks acquired shades that came straight from embarrassment while Seidou’s laughing made Akira facepalm herself with a frown.

“I envy you, though, Nagachika!” The man said while wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. “I’d be rolling down the streets if I ate half as much!” 

“Thank you, Takizawa-san!” and Hide winked one eye while raising his other brow, smugness covering his features. 

“…Took me a lifetime to develop the skill–” 

“Oh my God! Can’t stand being in here for another minute! See you all there”. But she stopped, regarding Hide with both of her piercing blue eyes. 

“And don’t you _dare_ to run away, Nagachika. Understood?”

Hide put a hand on his forehead, pretending to be a soldier while smirking.

“Yes ma’am!” he said cheerfully. “As clear as Seidou’s bank account after visiting the bar”.

“ _HEY_!”

And the man ruffled his hair in revenge, making its fluff levels reach their maximum. Hide didn’t mind, though; he let him do it. He couldn’t care less about the so-called reunion. Nevertheless, they had been right about something.

Despite undergoing a diet, his body didn't show any signs of improvement; his ribs were still visible, as well as some bones in both his legs and arms. Angry, he had just quit and started to eat whatever without his mother's acknowledgment.

He knew that taking quantity over quality wasn't better, but at least he was enjoying it and feeling more active compared to before. _It is bearable..._ Munching the lasts bits of his burger felt right; his taste buds were delighted while he was licking his fingers.

Then, why was he feeling so _off_?

Hide wasn’t that slim but compared to his previous exercised body, he was lacking muscle. His toned abs and thighs were gone, and he would get tired faster than what was considered normal. Not even being able to handle the stairs of his own house was really depressing. 

But ever since he had started with his recovery, another thing had been bothering him more. Hell, he was freaking out and that was mainly the reason why he didn't want to attend the renowned gathering.

Amon had followed Akira, and Seidou was starting to take off by gathering his things. It was weird how they, being investigators and all, hadn't seen under his mask and discovered his anxiousness.

Fidgeting under the table, feet moving side to side; rather they thought it all was normal or pretended not to notice it to not make him feel uncomfortable.

He cursed under his breath. "C'mon, hurry up! We only have ten minutes left!" Seidou needlessly shouted since they were both the only ones left in the dining room. Thus, the man holding lots of papers disappeared through the door, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

"Plan A begins now..." Hide whispered, getting up almost immediately while going to the opposite direction. _First mom... I have savings from running errands..._

Arima had told him that it hadn’t been his mother the one who had come every day during those four months to flex his limbs, for his muscles to remain strong and prevent any atrophy. Considering how now he was walking fast without any problem, he thought that they had done a pretty good job.

Hide stopped at the entrance, Mrs. Nagachika watching him with two furrowed brows. 

"Hideyoshi? You're going to be late. Whatever it is, it can wait till–" but he grabbed her hand and guided the way to one of the salon’s corners, the one next to the imposing bookshelf that promised to provide them with shadow.

Hide stood with her against the wall, giving his back to the living room. A vein popped on Mrs. Nagachika’s forehead. "Hide...”

"Shhh!" He silenced her putting a finger on her lips. Glancing around the room, he confirmed his previous suspicions. 

Two cameras were pointing to the sofa where she had been seated just minutes ago; barely noticeable because of the light's reflection in the lenses, which made him see two sparks. _All my life living here and this is the first time I'm seeing them? Jeez..._

When he had been in the hospital, the one who took the time to give him physiotherapy hadn’t been anyone but his father. Perhaps he felt guilty, for locking him up in a room, or just had a paternal spurt and realized his work so far sucked.

As if Yoshitoki Washuu would ever have any remorse over something. His father had always been kind to anyone but him. 

With Hide, the man was unpredictable. It could go from being an overprotective parent to severe physical punishments in less than a second. He merely wanted for his father to tell him the typical _I told you so_ and let him be. 

"What–"

"Mom, we're leaving", and she flinched, her eyes widening in shock. 

"…How?"

"Doesn't matter". He said, trying to focus on telling her his escaping routes instead.

Because Hide couldn’t interpret his father's behavior as well as he could do with anybody else’s, so he wasn’t that confident when it came to dealing with him.

The moment he had told him that he would join the CCG, Hide knew he had no other choice but to comply. His mother’s make-up hadn’t covered the bruises as well as it would normally do, so the day after denying his father’s request he had been able to see them. Therefore, it infuriated him to know he could do nothing but become the man’s puppet to make the beatings stop.

But he wouldn’t commit the same mistake twice. Now that he knew, he would act on time. 

Hide finished his quick telling of plans, sweat forming on his temples after talking for so long in distress. Licking his lips, he tried to maintain his self-control.

"Let's forget about all of this crap and leave!" 

Truthfully, her eyes blazing with tears wasn't the reaction he had been expecting. Much less her following words.

"We can't", and she put both hands on his shoulders, squeezing lightly.

 

"What? Of course we can!" Hide was trying not to scream. This was dangerous, they _needed_ to leave. "I know it's hard for you but–"

"The one behind those bruises wasn’t your father".

"Huh?"

His face blanched, emotions conflicted. Though he recalled all of the past events, he found nothing but more unanswered questions. 

If it hadn't been his father, then who? 

"You need to go. Believe me, it would be for the best". She was taking him out of their blind-spot, walking towards the door till her hand reached the doorknob.

"I'll take you there. That would be less suspicious than you arriving late and alone", and he couldn’t answer with his voice so he nodded.

From then on Hide went on autopilot. Her words had been difficult to swallow; every step felt feeble, crushed. In all his life, Hide had never been this wrong. 

It was as if he had been running in circles, trusting his wits when in reality what was pushing him forward were his emotions. Now his body was moving without him; the guilt of not having thought that his father could be innocent making him go slow.

But guessing that if he wasn’t the one responsible then it was someone else within the family, Hide went ahead of himself all over again. His mother was no joke when it came to fighting, so she could have only got hit like that if she allowed it. Because she couldn’t stop the action due to her position.  


Because she had no other _choice_.

The fact that he hadn’t noticed their situation until now frustrated him even more. Hide didn't hate his father, not anymore; he wasn’t the one at fault. For as much as he knew, he could be trapped in all of this mess just like his mother was, and somehow that explained the way in which he tended to treat him.

Whoever was behind all of this had been trying to send him a warning, a threat that his mother so skillfully had managed to hide. For how long? That he didn’t know. 

Once he entered the meeting room, everyone was silent. The strong smell of coffee was everywhere around him.

It made him nervous. "Mrs. Nagachika, what took you both so long?"

"Hideyoshi forgot his speech in my papers. Luckily, I found it in time, right?" and she gave him the two folded files while smiling not so wholeheartedly.

Furuta would never expect her at the meeting. After all, she was never allowed to meddle in main family's business. He rarely asked her anything so it wasn't about her, of that Mrs. Nagachika was sure.

He was doing it because of Hide. "Yeah, thanks mom! I was really worried!" He grabbed them while laughing in a way all of them could hear.

Akira watched him, raising a brow. He wasn't himself. Something was odd.

Furuta simply chuckled. "Okay, so I'll continue with the formalities before passing the microphone to the Bureau Chief. The press will be arriving soon so let's reassemble the details once more".

Hide found a sit next to Amon while his mother went ahead to stand behind his father. Yoshitoki's face changed slightly when she approached him and whispered something in his ear.

His father's eyes soon followed him so he pretended not to be watching, staring attentively instead to the investigator standing at the front. He could feel the pressure coming in waves from Yoshitoki, digging two holes on his left shoulder. 

Thus, Hide decided to start counting the cups that were placed on the table. One, two... "The government has given us permission to keep on track every record of the citizens. In that way, we will control the migratory movements within and out of Tokyo, expecting to find more clues about Aogiri and their whereabouts in other wards". 

There were seven in total. Hide sighed. "People will stay in limited areas established by the Commission of Counter Ghoul, with all of their services being provided. We proposed this measure as a mean of maintaining the population's safety; approved yesterday by the International Congress, all nations agreeing on applying it starting tomorrow."

He hadn't been listening at first, but now from what he heard Hide thought that they were having it hard. 

_Good_ , the investigators weren’t dealing appropriately with the situation. They completely deserved it. 

Another thing had caught his attention. _So Aogiri is gaining… followers?_ He turned and saw that Amon’s face was totally serious, which was ridiculous, really. _No one can leave unauthorized… people living in camps…_

Hide's knuckles were turning white so he placed his hands on his legs, hiding them under the table.

"The limited areas will be called all around the world United Centers for Humanity, receiving external support from both the International Congress and the United Nations". The flashes of several cameras suddenly were coming from everywhere, therefore Hide knew the press had finally arrived.

“Shelter will be given to anyone! Fear nothing more, I promise you are going to be protected!"

Everyone at the table was standing, clapping in unison with the outsiders that had come from a different direction. The place was big enough for everyone, Hide noticed while catching a glimpse of another door at the back of the room, which they had probably used to enter. 

They were all cheering when he bowed his head, curling almost into a fetal position. _They are taking out their freedom to know who a ghoul is..._ His hands were trying to avoid trembling by grabbing his pants. 

Pulling a golden strand out of his way of vision, he saw his father getting to the podium. _People living in centers..._ His mother's words came into mind, making him shrink back.

 _"We can't"._

Hide’s pace of breath was increasing, becoming shallower. Around him things were happening in slow motion; tension growing in his face and limbs while his heart was racing faster.

"Nagachika, is everything okay?" Amon's big hand was squeezing his shoulder, eyes worried over catching Hide's state of being.

Scared wasn’t enough. He was _terrified_. 

_This is fucked up._ "Yeah, yeah, it's just, I'm nervous. It’s my first time participating, you see?" He gave him a half-smile, giggles covering his previous discomfort. 

Amon turned to see Akira, who hadn't stop watching the boy since the beginning. 

Something was _wrong._ "I, Yoshitoki Washuu, Bureau Chief of the 20th ward, would like to give a public announcement in the name of Tsuneyoshi Washuu, formally known as the Chairman of the CCG".

Although his father's voice was imposing, silencing everyone by its mere presence, Hide felt overwhelmed for different reasons. "Regarding the previous concerns shown by the media during the last couple of months, I can proudly say that our forces regained complete control over the 6th ward”, and the deafening applause came, making him shake his head due to the unstoppable hammering. 

It all was sickening. “Nevertheless, winning this battle doesn't mean that we have won the war. Despite being crucial, more fights need to be done in order to stop the ghoulish organization, now that they have reached foreign soils in other countries." 

"Everyone's cooperation is important if we want to succeed. Remember that Tokyo's safety is in the hands of you all. Follow the local authorities' guidance. We shall all be part of this force!"

He searched for his mother but she was nowhere in sight. The cries and ovations weren’t stopping, blurring his surroundings with the noise. They were convincing them so easily, disguising unfairness with a promise of protection. _They_ were taking their rights and no one was saying anything about it. 

Hide felt sick. “I may add that thanks to your prayers, my son is no longer in danger. He's healthy enough to rejoin the corps, but this time as a Third Rank Investigator”.

Murmurs rose everywhere with those words. Weren’t only special cases the ones who began in those levels? What’s more, hadn’t he not even attended the Academy? 

Hide could feel their gazes going through him. To join without proper training, wasn’t that incredible? “We will all give our best efforts to keep everyone safe, he not being the exception. Hideyoshi, please", and Yoshitoki looked at his direction while the crowd was cheering again.

Hide put on his best smile, swallowing his nausea instead of letting it all out. 

_Well played._ He wanted to do nothing but scream his agony, release his anger to dissipate his distress.

Even one of the girls who was holding a camera started wiping her tears with the back of her hand, every so often clapping enthusiastically while he was approaching to his father. 

That would definitely be in the headlines tomorrow; Yoshitoki looking as if he would be up to sacrificing his own son, all for the common good. 

_Well fucking played, ughhhh_

Once he stood on the podium, his father embraced him under the never ending flash of the cameras. Hide could barely see past his shoulders because of the light. The people’s ovation increased in volume, and he felt that he was sinking deeper into the ground.

They finally _got_ him.

“Uhmm–” Yoshitoki had left and too many faces were watching him. It wasn't as if he wasn't used to taking this spot, being everyone's center of attention and all, but he had been taken aback by the circumstances.

In front of him, his father's speech was next to the microphone, or the sheets that were supposed to have it written anyway. Instead, there was only one sentence, not even imprinted on the paper but manually written probably in a rush. It didn’t stop him from splaying his fingers on the paper, though; caressing the words while his lower lip started to tremble. 

_I’m sorry_ , it read. 

He recognized the writing instantly so he searched for his father’s face amidst the crowd. Though he was unable to move, inside him something was overflowing. 

Then the man looked at him while smiling, _really_ smiling, as if it was their first time watching each other’s eyes.

Hide couldn’t handle it. He wanted to cry. “Hid… I’m hi… Hi!” 

They all had been quiet until his stuttering made them laugh. How could the heir of such a distinguished enterprise be so shy?

He gave a quick glance, trying to calm down. The mastermind behind this mess, this awfully planned complot including both him and the suffering of his parents, was probably in here. Nevertheless, it would be pointless to go and try to find him. 

Because Hide knew no one. “As my father said, I’m starting as a third ranker. I-I really want to help!” He knew _nothing_.

“Please, help me in letting us help you!” _Did I say… what?_ But they were clapping, so it didn’t matter anymore.

He left the podium, stumbling on the staircase because of the blinding light of the cameras. His legs wobbled while his arms went on flying and thus, he fell on his ass; the thud getting a few screams of surprise out of the crowd.

“ _Aargh_ ” the brightness was blinding him, everything spinning around him. The energetic expenditure was starting to take its toll. 

“Hide! You… you’re not okay!” Amon seemed angry from what he could hear, and yet, he was happy. Good grief, he could faint at any second so he was glad this man was holding him.

“Amon, what’s wrong?” Now Akira’s voice was joining. “He’s pale, his pupils dilated, what… Nagachika, how many fingers do I have?” 

As if he could see her. The fact that all of the noises were dissipating wasn’t helping either. “Amon-san called me Hide!” He beamed with delight, his body going backwards till Amon decided to take him completely on arms, carrying him bridal style to the press’ content. 

“Certainly…” he said in between giggles. “You’re Kou-chan from now on!”

“Wh–“

“Wait, let him talk. It keeps him conscious”, and Amon complied because he did trust in her instincts. She was the one who found him that day in the siege, when they hadn’t known where to start searching for him. Therefore, it would be better to follow her now too, when they were both without a clue about what to do with him.

Yoshitoki came forward before this could go any further. He placed a hand on his forehead, narrowing his eyes. “It’s hot. Amon, Mado, get him out of here. Now.” And they didn’t need to be told twice.

The people there was making a ruckus about their sudden leaving. Indeed, their announcement had made a huge impact and would probably be in the spotlight for the following weeks.

“Where should I take him to? Shouldn’t we be heading to the hospital? Akira…” They were going through the hallways, the heels of the woman producing echoes in the walls.

“It’s too crowded outside. We wouldn’t make it even if we’re talking about two blocks”. Despite being shorter she was the one walking faster. “Let’s go to his room”.

They put him on his bed, the shaking of his body stopping due to his laying position. Akira noted the skin was cold when she bent down in order to take his pulse. “It’s decreasing. Go and search for Mrs. Nagachika”.

“Aki-chan~~ your hair is so dazzling~~ Yellow like an egg’s yolk–”

“Is he drugged?” Amon couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“What part about letting him talk you don’t understand?”

Something was burning at his back, sending shivers down his spine with the boiling force that he had inside of him. Despite being strong, Amon couldn’t control what was giving him sporadic spasms.

“But–”

He felt on _fire_.

“It’s _EGGSCELLENT_!” Hide blatantly yelled, trying to dissipate the ache that came from behind with the power of his lungs. “Breakfast~~ Seidou’s breakfast~~”

The woman in question entered the room, seemingly worried.

“What happened? I saw him fall and then–“

“We don’t know that much either, but his heartbeat is going slow and there’s no way for us to go unnoticed with all of those cars in front of the building”.

The mother looked thoughtful for a moment, searching for answers while looking at the ceiling. 

“There is a way, actually”, she said after a while. “Mado-san, could you please search for Matsuri? And Koutarou-san, if you don't mind, please cover him with this”. 

The investigators did as they were told. 

“Kou-chan~~ Kou-chan~~ Aki-chan’s hair is amazing, right?”

“Sure, sure. Stay put, you’re not letting me put you in your jacket”.

“But I don’t want that jacket! It’s black, reminds me of… of–“ his incessant tugging at the end made his head hit the headboard, throwing the few things that he had on it. 

Hide left before his mind could even form the last name, bracing the darkness of his thoughts instead of bearing with the pain that came with the word.

The night was something he couldn't stand ever since he vanished.

 

* * *

 

“So he’s been partnered up with Suzuya?”

“That was expected considering Shinohara-san’s state”.

“The guy’s weird but I think they will do a pretty good match. I mean, Hide’s wits plus Suzuya’s strength, that doesn’t sound too bad for me”.

“I don’t know. Just thinking about their personalities being together is giving me a headache”. She was getting done with the paperwork, going through different international accords. 

The meeting hadn't been to her liking, but she still needed to revise this. After all, other countries had taken worse measures: building walls, bombarding populations in which ghouls were thought to live – killing lots of innocents instead –, as well as suppressing by force the sympathizers that were coming from everywhere. 

“But he was right about Rabbit! And Suzuya was the one who got Jason, right?” He was in charge of arranging the files that she was giving him. 

The door opened. “It shouldn’t be so bad!”

She merely rolled her eyes and continued with her work. 

“Akira, Seidou, you may want to see this", and both stopped what they were doing to look at him.

One of Amon’s hands held a folder, which was surprisingly big. Seidou stood first to take it, putting it between them once he got back to his chair. The moment Akira opened it, revealing horrible photos amidst the numerous reports, Seidou breathed in sharply.

Most victims had their guts exposed, intestines surrounding the bloody leftovers of limbs. Still, what was more interesting was the fact that some of them showed signs of having had a kagune.

“Who–“

“It came from the 13th ward this morning”, Amon said before Akira could ask. “And all of the victims were confirmed to be ghouls”. 

Words weren’t enough to describe the atrocity that Seidou was trying to assimilate. In some cases, not even the body form was recognizable, as if a train had run over them continuously until their build was nothing but pulverized pieces of flesh. 

Though the author of those murders was unknown, the few that had witnessed his brutal behavior had given him a name, or that was stated at the beginning of the file.

“Centipede…” Akira said under her breath. 

That was how they were calling him.

 

* * *

 

He woke up to the sounds of the television.

Someone was next to his bed but Hide didn’t recognize them; long strands of white hair were covering their face. In addition, they wore an oversized shirt, and because it was opened the red marks on their neck and wrists were visible.

Hide tried to focus his eyes on them in order to find out whether those were bruises or not, but getting used to the lights was proving to be a hard task so he gave up and instead changed his position to lie more comfortably on his bed. 

Despite feeling better, he hated being again at the hospital. “Who–”

“You collapsed because of anemia. It’s on the news, just watch!”

“Huh?”

He could see his figure leaving the frame and disappearing into the right corner. Several people were talking but he pretended not to hear their comments. He was embarrassed enough already. 

“By the way, we’ll be partners from now on”.

“What?”

“Suzuya Juuzou!” So he was a boy. He seemed to be around his age, if not younger. “Nice to meet you!” he said while offering him a hand.

The bags under his eyes were clouding a little his smile, but that wasn’t a reason for Hide to not be corresponding the gesture. 

He did the handshake while grinning, a little weirded out by how much the action was prolonging. “Nagachika Hideyoshi. Hide, for short…”

Suzuya wasn’t letting go of his hand. “Wait, wait! We're getting to my favorite part!” he said while raising the volume. 

Hide couldn't see anything special about it, though; his father was earnestly explaining their leaving, giving convincing excuses while the press was taking even more photos. 

He was about to ask him why he was so keen on watching this part when his own voice surprised him through the speakers.

“ _EGGSCELLENT!_ ” 

_No..._ Suzuya’s laughing was making him dig his own grave with the covers, sinking his body even deeper into the mattress. “What– don’t hide! You’re famous! My partner is famous!” He said while jumping continuously on Hide’s bed. 

The shaking didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. Nonetheless, he was glad his future mentor was so lighthearted and had this cheerful personality. 

“Famous~~ famous~~”

He would need it now that he had no will of living. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** The man was kneeling; both of his fists were producing awful sounds while hitting the ground.
> 
> “If only… _**fuck**_!”
> 
> Touka couldn't remember a time in which she had seen him like this. He had always been an affable and agreeable companion, so the behavior that he was showing now was unsettling. The words pained her once out of her mouth, but she knew it was better for them to talk about these things straightforwardly.


	8. Courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** _No..._ Suzuya’s laughing was making him dig his own grave with the covers, sinking his body even deeper into the mattress. “What– don’t hide! You’re famous! My partner is famous!” He said while jumping continuously on Hide’s bed.
> 
> The shaking didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. Nonetheless, he was glad his future mentor was so lighthearted and had this cheerful personality.
> 
> “Famous~~ famous~~”
> 
> He would need it now that he had no will of living.

  
The man was kneeling; both of his fists were producing awful sounds while hitting the ground.

 

“If only… **_fuck!_** ”

 

Touka couldn't remember a time in which she had seen him like this. He had always been an affable and agreeable companion, so the behavior that he was showing now was unsettling. The words pained her once out of her mouth, but she knew it was better for them to talk about these things straightforwardly.

 

Yomo stayed beside him, patting his back while trying to comfort him with his words. Touka’s had destroyed him, crushed all his hopes and left him with nothing but remorse; though he was sure that she had handled the topic way better than how he had started it. Thus, Koma’s soul was leaving him every time his eyes dared to be open and relieve the suffering that he had inside; flowing hand in hand with his guilt until both hit the ground.

 

“Irimi's dead”, she had said to end Yomo’s vain attempts of not hurting him. Hinami had been the one who had brought him home after finding him with her overdeveloped senses and was currently searching for meat to help him heal faster. 

 

The burning sensation made Koma look down and regardless of what he saw, he didn’t care. There were a few cracks in the floor amidst the blood that was coming from his knuckles. Yomo’s hand was on his so he had probably realized it too. “Stop harming yourself. You’re already wounded enough for you to do–“

 

“But it’s my fault, can’t you see it?!” shoving Yomo to the side, Koma stood up abruptly. “Both her and Kaneki’s… If only we hadn’t gotten separated, I could have… I…”

 

Despite the color rising in her cheeks, she tried to stay calm. “You couldn’t have done anything! It’s a miracle that you’re still alive! Also, Kaneki’s not dead, he’s–“ _stupid, a moron, some selfish motherfucking piece of shit–_

 

“Gone”, said Yomo after looking at her distressed features. Touka was clenching her jaw; she was tired of everyone blaming themselves.

 

“Yeah…” Hinami’s insistence had made them act but trailing after Kaneki hadn’t been one of their best decisions so far. Her suspicions had been correct, not that it had made her feel any better; by following rumors, they found a ghost. The clock on the wall said that it was too early for this, and by glancing over Koma’s shoulder she realized that Yomo’s gaze said the same. “We just don’t know where he is but he’s definitely alive”.

 

There was a pause in which Koma didn’t answer until Hinami finally entered through the kitchen’s door, and it only took her a glance to rush and throw herself with open arms to his friend. Yomo had to stand to go and pick up the suddenly forgotten package of food, though.

 

“All is well”, she kept on repeating in between muffled sobs, and Touka hated to hear that because she knew those were lies. Swallowing was becoming difficult, so much that she wanted to scream, and she would have done it if some incessant noise hadn’t taken her out of the stupor. 

 

The knocking on the door sounded frantic, but before Touka could move Yomo was already heading to the entrance.

 

“How many times have I told you not to–“

 

“Save the speech for another time!” Nishio was breathing heavily from running. Yomo’s suspicion increased after his eyes laid on Tsukiyama.

 

“We gotta move, now!!”

 

* * *

 

 _If only I had been stronger…_

 

It passed slicing coldly right over his forehead, spreading more than a few flaming drops through his field of view.

 

“Oi!”

 

But the knives kept on coming faster, dodging becoming almost impossible for him. Thus, Hide intercepted the way of one of those silver bullets with his own weapon, sending it in circles to the nearest tree. His mouth was dry, and the cuts that he had all around his body stung horribly every time he moved.

 

“Suzuya, wait!”

 

And the aforementioned stopped, spinning the small blade around his fingers. Suzuya knew that his partner was above average in terms of brains, so he couldn't stop thinking about how absurd it would be if this worked. Hide was panting while Suzuya was trying not to show it on his face.

 

"Real fights don't have timeouts, y’know?".

 

On Hide's left side, going right through the cuff of his pants, there was a knife. 

 

"You wouldn't fight me for real and I for a fact do know it", said Hide, frowning. He was trying to focus on Suzuya's face, all in vain due to the dust and his sweaty bangs. Mostly the later. _Hideyoshi Nagachika, if you keep looking like a beggar when you return, I swear that I won't be your mother if I don't get rid of that bird's nest that you dare to call hair with my bare hands!_ Not the most encouraging farewell, Hide thought while tucking his hair behind his ear.

 

"...You sure?" Suzuya was waiting for it. The moment Hide did so much as take a step, it would be his fall.

 

Hide admired him, really. And it wasn't because of all the things that he had heard, but what he had seen himself. Suzuya Juuzou, a force to be reckoned with. His aim was perfect, and he answered fast against attacks, almost by instinct. After all, he was the person who had a quinque made from the ghoul that almost killed him.

 

“Oh _prrrrrlease_ , I'd be dead already if you weren't-holy shit!" Not even taking the grace of pulling out his hands in front of himself, Hide's face hit the dirt while his trousers were ripping on the way down.

 

At this point, Hide would be able to distinguish the other's laugh from a thousand yards in between hundreds of bells. _I take it back. This guy is nothing but a silly little cat trying to play how to be a lion._ It would be the most annoying sound, one that he knew by heart now considering how often he had to hear it.

 

Body throbbing and partly blind, Hide tried to put himself together while on the ground when he sensed Suzuya's shadow gradually approaching. He wanted to stand but apparently couldn’t because his left ankle was screaming. 

 

“You should have seen your face! It was like, _bwaghh!_ ”

 

Hide tried but couldn't stay mad at someone that was cleaning his face with a warm towel. The weather was hot, perhaps that's why the water was stinging. Suzuya smiled and somehow it all looked weird with how the stitches were straining his lips. 

 

"...You OK?", why was he disinfecting his wounds? This was odd.

 

"This is odd. Why are you...?"

 

"Doing this?" And Suzuya pulled Hide's nose with both index and thumb.

 

"Ahh, wait! The hell bro?!" He brought both hands to his face. As if that would appease his pain.

 

"You reminded me of someone" _blonde, dirty, with smeared lipstick in front of a mirror while two calloused hands were_ "-that's all. Next time, you're on your own, though!"

 

"Next time..." _Ughhh_ Hide's body was throbbing in anticipation of the nightmare. Nevertheless, he took Suzuya's helping hand and stood.

 

His father had told Suzuya to train him, but it looked like the guy had taken those words wholeheartedly and now was trying to make him go beyond his own physical limits. Not that he would complain, though. It would benefit him in the long run. Besides, coming to the 12th ward with some excuse of a mission was something that he wasn’t expecting and with all honesty, the freedom that had come along with it had been beautiful.

 

How long had it been since he had been outside without having second thoughts about everything?

 

“There’s water in my bag”, Suzuya said with a big grin while moving his head towards the place where both had left their things. They were all messily spread over a wide rock.

 

Hide nodded and gave his best to not show the soreness of his limbs while walking through the grass. At some point of the quarrel he had lost a shoe, so now he could taste the humidity of the soil through some soaked sock. Suzuya’s bottle was almost full, compared to his that was about to be emptied. How the guy was able to endure the weather with that much water, he didn’t know.

 

Taking both bottles, he went to settle down right next to his partner, whose bemused expression was directed to the evening horizon. He couldn’t blame him, though. The sky looked like a canvas, one that was being filled with color by an invisible hand with every passing second. The purples and blues were overpowering the oranges and yellows, both sides succeeding in their fusion due to the sunlight. And strangely enough, Hide thought that the only part that was lacking color was the warmest of them all. Such a shame that every night its brightness had to die for the others to shine.

 

He was giving big gulps to his bottle of water when Suzuya threw his in a flash somewhere behind them.

 

“What?”

 

Hide’s eyes widened when Suzuya’s body pushed him down abruptly, the impact taking his breath away while a strong burst of red sparkles passed over the place in which they had been. Only when the weight disappeared he was able to focus enough to see that those weren’t only sparks but pointed bullets that could have killed him on the spot if it hadn’t been for the quick reflexes of his mentor.

 

“Stay back” Suzuya whispered in his ear once the firing stopped. With one fluid motion Suzuya took his usual fighting stance and from over his shoulder Hide saw that there were about three people in front of them, the one showing red limbs being clearly the reason behind those bullets. Also, he noticed that all three ghouls had red hoods, so he tried to hold his breath in for a few seconds, focusing on his own heartbeat while looking at his surroundings. It didn’t matter how strong his companion was, not even he could handle all those ghouls at the same time without his quinque. They would need to get it back to level things up. Or so he thought.

 

Suzuya leaped while throwing two knives and turning over his own body, the red dots following their course around his shoulders before he landed with a front flip. That’s when Hide heard the scream, coming from the ghoul that had his kagune out. He only saw white approaching the two ghouls at high speed while the one that was still cursing sent red sparkles all over the place. Suzuya had blinded the one that could attack them from long distances, and Hide didn’t need for the other to scream _go and get my quinque_ for him to start running too. He knew more than anyone how to take advantage of a distraction.

 

While Suzuya dealt with the other ghouls, mainly by dodging and landing some mid-air kicks, he used all his might to launch himself towards the case that was over the rocks, now a few meters next to the blinded ghoul. From closer inspection, Hide saw that the body was that of a man maybe around his thirties, with a hand instead of a mask covering his injured eyes. Hide was agile, still, his sprained ankle started to become a hindrance.

 

 _Getting like this after training, lame, so lame..._ Barely getting to the case, he tripped and that’s when the kagune almost got him, full body on the grass amidst rocks while the bullets went through the tree's trunk. Hide felt bad for the tree, rolled over, finally finding cover behind the wood. Taking a glimpse at the fight, he gasped; one ghoul was down with Suzuya's slipper embedded in his face. Who said footwear wasn't dangerous? He would really need to get himself a pair after all this had passed.

 

 _Focus._ Despite having evened up the numbers a little bit, it was just a matter of time before the other started to fire for real again. Hide needed to deliver Suzuya's quinque but screaming at him while throwing the thing didn't seem practical. The moment they got his location, he was doomed. He was tired, his body wasn't responding well to his commands. It pretty much seemed that the ongoing communication between his central and peripheric nervous systems was fried.

 

 _Now it's not the time to be thinking about axons and synaptic bulbs. Focus._ Whenever he panicked he tended to ramble. It had gotten him out of trouble on different occasions. However, this time would be different if he didn't act fast.

 

"Fuck it". Suzuya was risking his life out there, why wouldn't he?

 

Now shoeless, Suzuya was a bolt of lightning. The white hair looked like a flash, moving in circles, landing kick after kick to the other's face and jumping every time the tail that looked like a worm got closer to his legs. This bikaku is stronger than the other, Suzuya thought. The thing that came from the ghoul's back was a whip moving on autopilot, and it managed to slice deeply into Suzuya's forearm.

 

He leaped back, pressing his right hand to the wound. That's when he heard the screech.

 

"Suzuya, _HERE!!_ " and something silver coming from the top of the tree was forming a parabola that would end on his face

 

Suzuya caught his case flawlessly, releasing the deadly scythe in seconds. Hide would have pumped a fist in the air if both his hands weren’t currently holding him for dear life. The ghoul fighting his mentor seemed taken aback by the weapon's size, still, that didn’t stop their hardened kagune to clash against Suzuya’s blade till both were sent back by the force. The momentum allowed Suzuya to rotate with a back tuck, knees fully bent and drawn to his chest while his arm made the scythe follow the motion and reach the ghoul’s leg before they could avoid it. 

 

With one foot the ghoul barely managed a clean landing on the grass, which was quickly changing colors due to the blood. The fallen hood revealed a disheveled woman’s face, who replaced the lacking source of balance with her kagune. Suzuya heard the loud blast again, and without turning around he caught a glimpse of the ukaku sending his projectiles to the tree's crest without mercy. He couldn’t stop the shooting because the woman came after him with renewed strength, sending blow after blow against him to keep him in place. 

 

Hide's back landed harshly on the earth, but he couldn’t afford to rub his backside to check the damage because the tree suddenly was becoming bigger and bigger in front of his eyes. Rolling to the side, what remained of the thing fell with a bumping sound. 

 

"Run!" He heard Suzuya’s scream through his dizziness, and judging by the upcoming noises, the human metralleta was back. Surprisingly enough, he didn't trip on his own feet while going downhill towards the abandoned town. Now it didn't seem that lonely, though. Hide was trying to maneuver his body to avoid the shots by sprinting with an abrupt change of direction every few steps. His gaze was fixed on the nearest building while he was running in a zigzag pattern. 

 

A cold breeze made him get goosebumps all over his body. It might have been caused by his sweat combined with the light wind, the change of temperature that came every day after six o’clock or the fact that he was utterly terrified of not making it. He was overrunning the man with nothing more than willpower, each step becoming harder than the last. That was until a bloody blade went right through his thigh and made him fall. Luckily enough, Hide had already reached the unsightly house, so he took the door out of its hinges by slamming it down with his own body.

 

Hide gasped, his lungs screaming with the overbearing pain. He needed to cover, hide somewhere and do it fast. Pushing his hips forward, it hurt when he rolled onto his back, but he managed to stand quickly with the front flip. He tore his legs’ muscles once again to get into the nearest room, which ended up being the kitchen. His eyes darted around, searching for something that could be useful. The set of knives that was placed on the counter next to the stove could have been an option if his opponent didn’t have impenetrable skin, and there was only that much damage that one could do with spoons and forks. Opening the two top drawers had been for naught. With no food, the place had been evidently looted already and he was running out of patience.

 

His breathing was uncontrollable, so he covered his nose with both hands.

 

 _Breathe, breathe._

 

He could hear steps approaching the household. When he turned back to look out for blasts, that’s when he saw the corked bottle on the floor. Hide remembered the microwave in the kitchen island and from then on, his body moved on its own. He needed to get more for his plan to work but so far this was the first one that he had seen and with only one place left to check he highly doubted to find them there. That is unless the family that had lived here had had no taste.

 

“For God’s sake, why did this people keep their wine in the fridge?” And why it was still inside a box was a better question that he would have like to get answered. Still, he took the little wine box and put it next to the bottle that was lying on its side. It was a good thing that the microwave was one of the old ones and didn’t have a turntable, otherwise, it wouldn’t have worked. 

 

Hide pressed the buttons, mentally counting while keeping his eyes fixed on the entrance. The window above the sink was small but it would have to do. "There's no point in hiding, you know?" the voice of the man was rough. Hide made his body small behind the kitchen’s aisle. He could hear the heavy footsteps, moving slowly towards him. 

 

 _Breathe, breathe._

 

The smell was awful. He didn’t know if it was coming from him or the mess inside the kitchen. Might have been both.

 

Hide heard the steps coming to a stop; the ghoul was on the other side of the aisle. "You _smell different_ ". He didn’t want to make his location known, not yet, but it would be necessary if he wanted to keep the other in place.

 

He knew now that he and Suzuya had been sent here by mistake. No way in hell his father would have sent him here to fight without some type of special weapon; even if Suzuya was with him, he was still in training. This wasn't some other research regarding why Hayazawa, another town in the outskirts of Tokyo, never approached the safe centers. Yoshitoki was expecting a detailed survey that would never come. Compared to his other missions, they couldn’t interview anybody in the first place; this time he wouldn’t make himself known through the media as he had been asked even if he wanted.

 

They were told lies on the way here, of that Hide was sure. This place hadn’t been abandoned, and those three ghouls might as well be the reason why neither he nor Suzuya had found any corpses.

 

This had been a set up from the start.

 

"I bet you're gonna taste different too". He bit his lip, keeping track of the numbers in his head with difficulty considering the buzzing in his ears. It became worse when it started to form words.

 

 ** _"You could have been a tasty snack"_**. This wasn't the first time that someone was trying to eat him. 

 

The pressure on his legs. The disgusting tongue savoring the blood inside his mouth. The feeling of his skin being ripped from the back of his neck.

 

Hide was shivering. 

 

"You doves are all the same", the ghoul said while kicking a trashcan, making Hide flinch. He pushed himself back, supporting his weight on the sink to stand. No point in hiding now when the man was closer and could see him. Red orbs fixed on him, Hide wondered why he hadn't killed him with more bullets. After all, the limb was still out there, complementing his menacing stance. "You say we're all murderers and that we should be afraid of justice, but look who's afraid of who now, huh?!"

 

 _Wrong_. This guy was pathetic, Hide thought. He didn't need to be a special class to know that the ghoul in front of him was lacking technical control over his kagune. By now, he was apparently out of stamina; moreover, he got blinded instantly during the fight and could have been crushed if it hadn’t been for his companions. 

 

"It’s funny how the tables have turned!", he said while surrounding the kitchen aisle. The man had a brown beard that reminded him of a dirty mop, and with the hood missing he saw that he was wearing an oversized jumper that highlighted how long and thin his limbs were, as well as showing the multiple hairs covering his chest. 

 

Hide wasn't scared of the ghoul in front of him. The memories that came from his words were what was haunting him.

 

The ghoul was all over him in an instant, making him slouch in the sink. Hide was trapped in the middle of the man’s arms, which were on the counter. His breath smelt awful and Hide really hated the feeling that came from having it warming his face. "Stop", but his voice was coming barely as a whisper. The ghoul tasted the blood on his forehead with a few swipes of his tongue. Hide closed his eyes to prevent a possible infection.

 

 _120, 121, 122, 123…_ "You know, I could have killed you with my kagune, but that would have been boring, right?"

 

He felt the ghoul's hand on his knee, sliding on his left thigh. Most parts of his pants on that leg had been ripped, courtesy of Suzuya’s knife, so it didn't take long before the man was grabbing bare skin. Hide wanted that hand gone and fast, but moving his other leg was proving to be in vain. The limb was pulsing all over because of the wound, and he knew that there was only one chance of escaping this, so he needed to save his energy. Thus, what started merely like a hold was now a full body straddling his hips. He was pushing against the weight to maintain the false front intact, but obviously, it wasn't enough. Hide wasn't weak, but he's been trying to stay alive ever since the fight with Suzuya. His body was taking its toll and he was exhausted.

 

His uniform was ripped from neck to chest in one movement, and shortly after the ghoul's tongue made a path that went from his shoulder blades to his left earlobe. "Under all of the dirt, you're not so bad yourself, y'know?" His beard was scratching Hide's lips, making him want to throw up his guts.

 

"Such I've been told". The ghoul wanted to talk and Hide would be damned if he wouldn’t give him just that. He was pretty sure that by now Suzuya was done and coming. Still, he was one hundred and twelve seconds away from his big exit, so he needed to make time.

 

"Really? So I'm not the first one, huh? Somehow, now I feel _cheated_ ", and he pressed his underbody more as if to make emphasis on the last word. The kagune was still there, pointing its ends towards his face. Hide, completely not overwhelmed with the situation, felt bad about screaming so much. In any case, he was supposed to go with a great joke, not this excuse of a conversation that seemed to be taken out of a bad porn.

 

The ghoul’s mouth was back on his shoulder. Hide wasn't surprised about the state in which his investigator's shirt was. "Cheating is relative considering our circumstances".

 

"Huh?" Without the man’s face blocking his view, Hide took a glimpse of the teeth print that was now adorning his skin. Cursing internally, he lifted his head and realized that he had the other’s attention now. _Good_.

 

"I'm not your first meal, neither you are my first eater.” His eyes never abandoned the ghoul’s crimson gaze. His hand needed to take a strong grip, so he moved it slowly, careful of being noticed. “There's no correlation and therefore, no cheating".

 

The ghoul showed him a scowl. "Who cares? You're food, I'm eating you. If I say it’s cheating, it’s cheating. End of the story", and with that, both hands took hold of Hide's shoulders while the other’s mouth was nearing his neck. 

 

Apparently, he had killed the ghoul’s mood if they were going straight for his jugular. Hide couldn’t afford to be dead at this point of his life; there were a lot of things that remained undone back at home that needed his attention, like how the person behind the suffering of his parents was still unknown. That’s why he used one of his hands to bend the direction and get the ghoul’s mouth on his instead.

 

The man did a grumpy sound but so far Hide’s tongue remained intact which was a victory on itself. He had rolled the dice, and it was weird, having another person explore the inside of his mouth. For starters, Hide didn’t know how to kiss but he needed to keep the man occupied, unable to see that he was getting a good grip on the red blade that was piercing his thigh. Making sounds every once and then at the same time he used his knee to stimulate with slight pressure the other’s crotch appeared to be enough.

 

 _220, 221, 222…_ This man was such a failure. Hide would feel shame on Aogiri’s sake if the other’s tongue wasn’t so insistent on reaching his throat. He guessed the other had lost his breath because they were pulling back. It was now or never.

 

Before the man could get out of his blaze by opening his eyes, Hide got him in the eye with the only thing that he knew could go through a ghoul’s body. 

 

If he wasn’t stone deaf by the end of the day, it would be a miracle. After the man’s howl, with both legs Hide pushed him with his last ounce of strength over the kitchen’s table; the red blasts got the roof instead of him. Amidst all the insults, life threats and screams, he was able to hear the microwave’s beep, announcing that four minutes had passed. 

 

Time to go if he didn’t want to be caught in the explosion.

 

Lifting his legs and feeling the muscles of his core, he sent his body towards the window with a backflip at the same time he heard the outbreak of the microwave. The motion that came with the air blast helped him with his purpose, still, it didn’t go as planned once his back met the glass instead of his feet. The force had sent him out as if he weighed nothing, and not even the earth could cushion the way in which his head collided with the ground.

 

All public lights went dead so not only was he deaf but blind and feeling the concussion already. He was hurting in so many ways that he just wanted to close his eyes and rest in the spot. However, Hide knew better, or so Akira had taught him, and that’s exactly why he cursed his luck and got himself on his own feet before it was too late.

 

He was hungry, dizzy and barely standing. Never in his entire life had he been so goddamned tired. Amon had told him that ghouls had their ways around human weaponry, bombs included. His improvised discharge of wine could only do so much, and it would have been his way out to reunite with Suzuya if the ghoul hadn’t been so obsessed with killing him to the point of overcoming a blow made of nearly four thousand Fahrenheit degrees.

 

“ _THAT WAS–_ “ the man was hardly breathing. “ _YOU ARE **SOOO–**_ ” but his coughing didn’t let him finish the sentence. A great part of his face had been burnt and Hide couldn’t see it but the ghoul’s kagune was still impaling his head. The polyester of his clothes had become one with the ghoul’s skin because of being burnt, and even if the man was made of steel that didn’t mean that it wasn’t painful. 

 

All in whole the ghoul was a bloody mess whose murderous intent Hide was feeling in waves. Unable to hold it in any longer, Hide fell on his knees and emptied his stomach. It wasn’t until everything that he had eaten was on the ground that he decided to face the ghoul head on. Without having something up his sleeve and lacking the faculties that would normally help with forming a plan, Hide picked up a rock in hopes of hitting the bastard but found himself confused once he saw not one but three identical figures coming his way.

 

“ _NOBODY WILL FIND YOUR BONES_ ”, each word was pummeling Hide’s brain and the fact that everything had tripled in front of him wasn’t helping. He didn’t know if the man was getting closer or not till a hand gripped his throat and pulled with such strength that made his feet go wild in the air. Both hands tried to stop the arm that was chocking him, mainly by instinct, but no matter how much he pushed the arm, it wasn’t moving. Eventually, his hands abandoned their purpose and laid limp on both sides of his body; Hide couldn’t find it in himself, the resolve to fight, not anymore. He felt like a candle that was gradually dying because of someone else blowing it out, a storm extinguishing his will of fire. He gagged on the sourness of his own blood mixed with saliva, eyes blinking tears that blurred his vision to the point of being almost nonexistent. 

 

Two things happened after.

 

Before his last breath could abandon him, he heard the sound, like a knife slicing through flesh, as well as the bumping noise that came right after. The motion had been so fast and fierce that he perceived the slash going through the wind with his overridden nerves. And lastly, before Hide could comprehend why suddenly there was air inside his lungs, he fell on his butt while the ghoul’s body went from static to becoming a red fountain.

 

Hide was taking sharp intakes of breath, so he feared his windpipe had been messed up. Still, he started to relax once he noticed the approaching white dot amidst everything. Suzuya was here, Hide though while feeling two hands trying to ease the heaving of his chest; the push was minimal but enough to get his breathing back to normal rhythm. Still, he didn’t know when the guy had gotten here but he was grateful.

 

“Yoggglatte”, Hide’s voice was hoarse, weak. 

 

“I know, Hide…” Suzuya had always referred to him by using his last name. This was a first, not that Hide would complain. Still, he knew that the guy’s eyes were such a tone of brown that under uncommon circumstances of light almost looked red, kind of like a ghoul’s. Those eyes that he had in front of him, they were skylights filled with summer. 

 

They almost felt like home.

 

“I _know_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** "I'll repeat as many times are necessary for you to understand that it wasn't me the one who beheaded the ghoul", said Hide for what it seemed to be the fifth time this evening. Suzuya yawned, closing his eyes momentarily and Hide would have been worried about his lack of attention on the road if his own tiredness wasn’t preventing him from doing so.


	9. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** “I know, Hide…” Suzuya had always referred to him by using his last name. This was a first, not that Hide would complain. Still, he knew that the guy’s eyes were such a tone of brown that under uncommon circumstances of light almost looked red, kind of like a ghoul’s. Those eyes that he had in front of him, they were skylights filled with summer.
> 
> They almost felt like home.
> 
> “I _know._ ”

"I'll repeat as many times are necessary for you to understand that it wasn't me the one who beheaded the ghoul", said Hide for what it seemed to be the fifth time this evening. Suzuya yawned, closing his eyes momentarily and Hide would have been worried about his lack of attention on the road if his own tiredness wasn’t preventing him from doing so.

Suzuya nodded off and tried to jerk himself awake. Hide heard some bones cracking when the other moved his neck, still, he didn’t mention it. His own body was asking for the stretch as well, especially his back, but couldn’t provide it due to the position in which he was in. "So what, are you telling me that it just fell to the ground on its own?"

Hide gave a long sigh, knowing beforehand that this would be a long journey. "I'm not but you're not listening–"

"You woke up thinking that it had been me then panicked and started to run in circles–"

"First of all, you said _no shit_ and how am I supposed to stay calm when I almost cracked my skull to the point of imagining things and–"

"Is that why you were trying to kiss me? What were you even–"

"You're not listening!" Hide snapped. 

Hideyoshi Nagachika was a young man proud about being, above all things, patient. Tolerant. He had been there when some forbidden soul had given sour flavored Skittles to Suzuya instead of his usual candy treat. He had been the one who saved the aforementioned guy before Suzuya could compromise his position within the CCG. While understanding other people’s emotions was a second skin to Hide, he knew that his mentor had some opportunity areas among his interpersonal skills. Seidou had told him that it wasn’t near as bad as before, the treatment that Suzuya would give to others; if albeit twisted, at least nowadays he kind of acknowledged the people around him before acting, especially during a fight. And once he heard about Suzuya’s old partner, it made more sense for him. Perhaps it was his own way of showing that he was worried, but it was hard to know for sure because the other didn’t do something as normal as body language.

Hide was sulking on the sidecar of Suzuya's motorbike. The thing had been given to him as a present after the CCG was able to get back the 6th ward thanks to his performance. Not everyone was happy with the decision, some investigators were even complaining out loud during Yoshitoki's rewarding ceremony. Still, Hide learned shortly after that it hadn't been his father's idea but a man's whose name was Marude. The sidecar had been his mother's addition, though, and Hide thought it was funny, how much contrast it made his Mario Kart themed sidecar with the black Ducati.

"Shinohara-san once told me to stop lying to myself"

"Huh?"

"I don't understand, that's why I'm asking you how you did it”

Hide could feel the scowl behind those words, even if there wasn’t any. "I really don’t know what happened after the explosion" _nor if I want to_ , but he saved those words for himself.

" C'mon, Nagachika-san! You were the only one there! Just tell me how you cut off the head…” Hide wanted to believe that Amon had underestimated the power of normal weapons. The bomb would be a logical conclusion if they didn’t know better after they found what was left of the ghoul’s body. 

“I won’t even ask you about the arm!" If it wasn’t for that missing arm that Hide got to know first handily, Hide could live another day thinking that it all had happened as a matter of circumstance. It had been _kill or be killed_. It had been a distraction that went too far. It had been nothing but a way to stay alive.

It hadn’t been _torture_.

"I didn't kill him. Period." Suzuya stayed silent after that, and Hide rested his chin on his hand, arm leaning on the sidecar’s door.

"…What do you mean by Period?"

Hide leaned back on his seat, trying to find a more comfortable position. "It's an expression, _ehmm_ , a way of expressing the finality of what’s being said”. Suzuya wasn’t looking at him this time but it was obvious that he was listening. “In this case, it's meant to finish my statement while getting this point across, I. Did. Not. Kill. The. Ghoul." 

Suzuya burst out laughing.

"Lies, _Comma_ ” Suzuya said, making emphasis on the last word. “This is the first time I'm hearing this!"

"Suzuya, that's not-"

"Shut up. _Period_ "

He was driving, that's the only reason why Hide didn't kick him in the face. That and the fact that he would certainly die before landing the hit. _Suzuya's getting both of our asses back home, be grateful, Hide, grateful..._

It would be a long ride, in which both would be uncomfortable because of the bodies that they were taking back. Hide was holding what remained of the man that attacked him while being seated on another ghoul's body, and Suyuza had the female ghoul lying on her stomach in front of him. He had left her without any arms or legs, and several knives were embedded in her lower back, where her kakuhou would be located, making her unable to use it as a weapon while her body was slowly regenerating.

She wasn't dead, at least not yet. Suzuya had left the two unconscious ghouls on the ground to go after Hide, but once he had the other on his back he decided to get rid of them before leaving the place. It was Hide who stopped him from killing both, saying that they would need to take one back alive to the CCG to get some leads about Aogiri's whereabouts. That's why, while Hide took care of his wounds, Suzuya killed the man and somehow managed to leave the woman alive without being a threat.

Despite Hide's complaints, Suzuya took the body of the ukaku user too. He said that because Hide had finished him off, he'd gained the rights over the ghoul's kakuhou and therefore the quinque that would be made from him. 

"Chief will be happy to hear it, tho".

Hide continued watching the road. He wasn't mad with his mentor nor was he trying to escape the unavoidable conversation, but if possible, he'd like to postpone it at least until he had bathed, eaten and rested in his own bed.

"It took you six months to get a quinque"

"I know"

"I'm happy for you too," said Suzuya while taking a glance at his companion. The blond quickly averted his eyes, not knowing if the warming of his cheeks was coming from embarrassment, rage or disappointment. 

The highway was empty. Considering the hour, it was normal. If not for their appearance and their unexpected additional weights, they would have gone to the nearest station to take a shortcut. Leaving the bike parked outside the station wouldn't have been an issue due to the close relationship between the local authorities and the CCG, and they could have managed to reach the 20th ward on the same day even with the last train.

Hide's dizziness was now because of the painkillers and some other pills that his mother had given him. His limbs started to feel numb, which okay _good_. Besides stopping the bleeding on his thigh, his mentor had helped him with other minor wounds. Nevertheless, Suzuya could do stitches and all of that, but even he couldn't have healed his sprained partly broken ankle. The thing was pulsing and by now it was somewhere between red and purple but Hide knew it was just a matter of time before the pills did their job and took care of it too. It would be the only way in which he could endure the journey.

Suzuya's hair was dancing with the breeze. It was reflecting the light coming from the stars, which were currently their only source of brightness alongside the moon. The guy was focused on the road, gaze unwavering, finally; what little his motorbike's lights could allow him to see now might have been the cause. 

White. Hide was getting goosebumps where his skin was exposed to the night. He was cold, but it was too late to wish he had taken a sweater with him before leaving the house. His younger self would be disappointed.

It was weird because now that he had the time to think about all the things that had happened, detangle the spider’s web that was his brain and synthesize what mattered, he didn't want to. He knew that the possibility of it being real was merely a fantasy; his mind had played some tricks to fool the pain. Still, from all the people that he could have seen, what did it have to be him? 

At least now he didn't have to worry about starting to forget how his friend looked like.

 

* * *

 

Although the man had dark circles under his eyes, he was still going through the different files that were on his desk. 

"I know that you are obsessed with that case but searching for a ghoul's activity without circumstantial evidence is pointless".

"Akira, you more than anyone know how it feels. That night..." He frowned. Amon had always thought that his inexperience had taken both Akira's father and their companions' lives. "It was me who–"

"No". She said, shocking him by putting both hands on his desk abruptly. "You all had a fight. With battles come loses. Stop blaming yourself for once".

Amon was silent. Akira then proceeded and took one of the files. After skimming through the thing, she grabbed one of the sheets and put it on his face.

"Eyepatch hasn't been active since that day. Face it. You said so yourself. He wasn't behaving like a ghoul". Amon remembered so well, the scream that the ghoul had made at the same moment Hide hit the ground. The pained expression. 

_Why...?_

"Perhaps he's dead already, killed by other ghouls", no, that couldn't be possible. Despite behaving oddly, his kagune was strong. It had been strong enough to keep him busy at the time.

 _... doesn't he want to kill?_

"Now, stay focused on the current cases. The ones that if solved might save lives. Also..." Amon stood and paced around his office, searching for a folder. He cleaned the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand, then scrubbed the hand on his pants. The little-wetted spot that remained there made him sigh.

"I have heard that Nagachika's back".

That surprised him; their return wasn’t expected until Monday and that was still two days ahead. Amon started to remember the crooked grin and the little boy that became such an icon nowadays in such a short period of time. He was unquestionably doing a good job, Amon thought while his lips try to curve slightly into something more relaxed, almost like the smile that he was picturing. The citizens' transportation to the Centers of Humanity was going smoothly thanks to his propaganda.

"Is that so?" He started to organize everything by date. Afterward, he would do it by location. Doing both at the same time would longer the process considering that he would need to do some side research in another department to get the right places on each report. Most of them were vague descriptions and didn’t specify where the ghoul had been seen before disappearing; it made him work harder, but it wasn’t something that he couldn’t manage. It would be different if Eyepatch’s case was a priority rather than something put on hold for reasons similar to Akira’s.

"Yes. He got himself a kakuhou for his quinque and I heard that the Bureau Chief wants to make it known through the press"

After so many tries and opportunities, Hide had finally killed a ghoul. Amon stopped going through his papers to look at her. Strange. 

Even though her voice had been firm, Akira’s hand was holding the chair with more than enough strength, and her knuckles were turning white.

 

* * *

 

Despite all his mental preparations, he couldn't have prevented this mess.

The weapon felt foreign on his hands. He had not earned it, nor did he want to. He didn't even want to have one of those things on the first place; that's why up to this point, whenever they faced a ghoul and Suzuya asked him to perform the final blow, he had not been able to do it. He just couldn't. So far, the chances of Kaneki being a ghoul were high, thus, more people at Anteiku could have been too. Two years ago, from what he could remember, they didn't try to kill him on sight. They had been nice, extremely so even if he had been technically a customer. Also, there were the unspoken words that he exchanged with the ghoul that apparently murdered Mado.

 _I could have been on your place._

Yesterday, the first thing he noticed once they were back at the CCG was that there was no pain. He touched the skin on his thigh, expecting to touch the folds of the skin surrounding the stitches and there wasn't a wound, not even a scratch. The little red dots weren't even there. Suzuya kept asking him about, quote, _killing methods_ , but Hide kept deflecting. The questions to fill out the report, those he had been able to answer, which weren't too many taken into account what happened. 

Surprisingly, Suzuya let it slide after a while and left Hide to write the report in peace, saying that he was just in shock and needed a little bit of time to get back on track. That he'll ask him the details later. And Hide was convinced that Suzuya wouldn’t forget about doing so. 

He put on a tie, decided against it once it was tied around his neck and got rid of it before unbuttoning the collar of his shirt. It took a few minutes because his hands were trembling. He could feel the sweat of his armpits but hopefully, nobody would notice the stains. Hide grabbed the dark green thing that was on the floor and was about to change when Mrs. Nagachika got impatient and said that she’ll see him there, to not even think about leaving the place without having put on cologne and another tie. 

The door closed with a thud. Hide bit his lip.

It didn't help that everyone was so excited about putting blood on his hands. He knew that he had done everything he could to stay alive, but they didn't see it that way. The thought of being a hero by killing someone was making him sick. He thought about policemen and how every so often they had to shoot on sight to prevent the loss of lives, an accident, _something_. The ends justify the means. It had been for the greater good. You will understand once you get older. Eventually, he left the room with a bitter taste on his tongue.

So, he entered the salon, smiled at the press, seated next to his father and started to narrate how he became a killer. Suzuya intervened most of the time, making sounds that were bothering some of the first rankers. Those investigators would never understand. The guy was just showing his enthusiasm through morbid onomatopoeias. Hide was grateful once more for having been partnered up with someone that could still convey, if hardly, genuine emotions.

"...And then, I took one of the ghoul's bullets, those bloody blades that ukaku types tend to shoot, right? I used it to pierce his throat until the monster stopped breathing!" And the public roared, clapping and screaming stupid things like _savior_.

Hide noticed that Suzuya was looking at him. Expressionless, like always. The corpse didn't match with his made-up story, obviously, but the CCG took the body before anyone besides the people on the research field could see it, so it wasn't as if someone could blow up his cover. After a short moment of intense visual contact, his partner nodded and started to cheer with the others. Everyone had glasses filled with wine, so they followed the ovation with a toast.

Hide was done for the night. He tried to leave without being noticed but before he could avoid it lots of hands pressed his shoulders, making him take a seat again, and different faces congratulated him while others even dared to do so much as hug him in front of the cameras. He glanced around the room, looking for help, an excuse, until his eyes laid on Akira. She was dressed so beautifully in red, highlighting the color of her skin. White gloves went from her tips to her elbows, and he didn’t need to look around to know the impact that she was certainly having on all these men. She was stunning.

The woman gave him some thumbs up, crinkling her lips, and Akira wasn't someone who showed that much affection on the same day.

It crushed him.

On her sides were both Amon and Seidou. He sent his usual face to them too, trying to look excited while showing off his quinque. _His_ weapon. The thing made from another being. Seidou waved at him while Amon gave him a firm nod of recognition.

In the end, Hide was able to excuse himself saying that he was tired. They were insisting him on drinking or keep eating at least, trying to stop him from standing with extravagant meals and ordering bottles whose names Hide was sure he couldn’t pronounce. They all wanted his attention, some way or another. It wasn't until his mother took the hint and said that he was still too young for those things that people let him go. Anyway, he was thankful, because the moment he found himself alone, he cried. 

_That's not me_. He rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the evidence. He looked himself in the mirror and wanted to vomit. Hair neatly combed, flawless face recently exfoliated with something that smelled like crap. His eyes were the only thing out of place, now red and swollen. If someone encountered him on his way out of the bathroom, there would be questions. He was afraid. He wouldn't be able to pretend to be fine when his face showed otherwise. However, on his way out, he noticed the distant flash of a camera at the end of the hall. Was his house under siege of annoying people? He walked fast towards the nearest door, entered the room and closed the damn thing not very gracefully.

"Nagachika..." _Crap_.

There, seated on a chair with an open book, was no less than Arima Kishou. Hide took the liberty of looking surprised, an attempt at amending the situation. 

The man looked spotless, perfect. White suit that seemed to be embracing those wide shoulders, hair combed with ability towards the back of his head, blue tie encompassed with a slightly less blue shirt. Hide realized that this was the first time that he had seen the other without glasses. It took him seconds to compose himself and talk instead of staring like a weirdo.

"Hey! Lookin' good, huh? Bet all of the ladies are–"

"You’re crying."

The look on his eyes made him reevaluate his priorities. Press vs being pressed over a door by Arima's gaze until he gave him answers. Neither option sounded good. Hide didn’t mean to be rude when he turned to leave but the sound of Arima's book once put on the table startled him. He looked back and wasn't surprised to see that the man was still watching him. How do you explain a story that you don't even know? How do you go against a belief that's been going all around for centuries? "I..."

 _"I'm so sick of crying"_ , he wanted to say. _"I'm so sick of feeling powerless, of fighting for something that shouldn't need to be fought for._ " His lower lip trembled, so he held those words back. Hide's line of thought wouldn't lead him somewhere good, thus he needed to stop. 

Arima stood and walked towards the doorknob. Hide stumbled a little to let him pass but before leaving the room completely, the other man glanced in his direction. 

"...Hide".

Said person looked at him, surprised. Arima didn't do first name basis with anyone, much less silly contractions, of that Hide was sure. That’s why Hide stood there, speechless in front of the man that everyone expected of him one day.

"You can tell me anything, but I'm not going to ask".

He thought about leaving the party, _his_ party, to go and cry in the bathroom. About being such a liar and feeling foreign in his own skin. Mostly, about the man that despite the ilk intentions didn't deserve that ending. The wounds that came from the fire had seemed partly healed on his body, still gory, but they were nothing compared to what had happened to his limbs. Neither he nor Suzuya could find his right arm, the one that he knew from experience the ghoul had used to choke him. His left arm had been still attached to his torso, but it was pressed against the ground as if it had been run over countless times by several trucks. According to Suzuya, the legs had been amidst the house’s debris, but the worst part had been when Hide rolled the head with his foot. The red crystal was still going through his face but the right eye that hadn’t been stabbed was also missing, as well as his tongue and teeth based on what he could see now that his mouth was dislocated and permanently open. 

He wasn't the one forced to live like a monster, then why... 

"I don't want to be a killer", he said without thinking. 

Strangely enough, Arima didn’t say anything after that. He put a hand on Hide’s shoulder and made a movement with his head, indicating where the nearest chair was. Hide took the hint and with heavy steps walked over there, cautious of falling and messing up whatever papers were splayed on the floor. It wasn’t until he leaned on the backrest that he realized how much he had needed to seat. Resting both elbows on his thighs, he supported his head by going over the strands of his hair with his fingers, gaze lying low while he was massaging his scalp. Still, Arima kneeled in front of him suddenly, interfering his thoughtful contemplation of the wooden ground, and put some book on Hide's lap after closing it loudly in front of him.

 _"Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy"_ , the man said.

"...What?" To be fair, Hide needed some time to process those words before proceeding. Might have been the few drinks that he took before his mother could help it. That or the feeling of drowning in the storm that was Arima’s eyes. Looking down, he knew that one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but the thing seemed old, yellow pages and everything. He opened the book where the separator was and confirmed his suspicions about the letters being as small as those of a newspaper. 

"What matters most… is how well you walk through the fire", Hide read slowly, trying to understand the most out of each word. It confused him but still. "Thank you– huh?" 

Arima was no longer there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** Kaneki's face was getting closer. Hide gasped once the warm breath of the other was on his neck. "All this time... you searched for a ghost", and he licked Hide's skin, tasting cold sweat. The smell that he had missed, the meat that he had seen bared to another ghoul. 
> 
> _We had been friends. We could not become strangers. It left only one thing: we must be **enemies**_.


	10. Kanou's Lab I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** _"Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy"_ , the man said.
> 
> "...What?" To be fair, Hide needed some time to process those words before proceeding. Might have been the few drinks that he took before his mother could help it. That or the feeling of drowning in the storm that was Arima’s eyes. Looking down, he knew that one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but the thing seemed old, yellow pages and everything. He opened the book where the separator was and confirmed his suspicions about the letters being as small as those of a newspaper. 
> 
> "What matters most… is how well you walk through the fire", Hide read slowly, trying to understand the most out of each word. It confused him but still. "Thank you– huh?" 
> 
> Arima was no longer there.

  
He was standing, of that he was sure even if the circumstances prevented him from visualizing his surroundings and therefore interfered with his sense of balance. Both of his legs were stretched and when he searched amidst the nothingness with his hands, he found alleviation once they were against a surface. He pushed with all his might and it didn’t give. Looking pleased, he concluded that it was a wall. Hideyoshi placed his palm on it for a few seconds and then began making patterns with his fingers as he walked, slowly, all while keeping his body at a good distance. It was probably an alleyway with poor lighting and he only needed to follow the smoothness with his tips until he reached a door or got himself out.

The smell of rain was present regardless of being indoors. Though his skin felt warm, he was shivering. He couldn’t recall ever coming to this place, even if his body was moving on muscle memory alone. Each step was a resonating echo, and the waves went beyond what he could perceive. Perhaps they might be reaching eternity, a future where his presence wasn’t asked for and thus he couldn’t get there no matter how hard he tried. Might be an instant separated from his here and now by only a couple minutes, a shooting star that he would miss if he wasn’t paying attention. Hide took a sharp intake of air when the swift motion of his hand came to nothing. He went back on his feet and touched with his fingers the point in which his physical support was disappearing in the darkness. 

Dripping with sweat might be dangerous when one is trying to focus. Going further without a guide wasn’t appealing but sidestepping to the left while trying to find the unknown with his flapping arm wasn’t helping anyone either. He could go anywhere really, and he wasn’t terrified by the freedom of choice; yearning to find and not to look was the reason why he stayed awake at night. 

It came like a tide, the breeze that was giving him goosebumps, gradually brushing more of his skin the more he kept going left. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned right, receiving fully the light wind that came to his attention. His hair was dancing, the airflow taking the lead while the strands followed, and somewhere in his gut he knew it was demanding him to do the same. In the fear of drowning while being lost in the sea, after any logical decision has been proved to be inadequate, he would normally follow his instincts, the inner prompting that wanted him safe and sound. Nevertheless, not wanting to follow his desires, Hideyoshi swam against the current. 

His feet were coming hard against the ground, leaving the sound of each step behind while he ran. Not being able to see where he was going wasn’t stopping him. His shoulders heaved as he panted, both fists moving alongside his legs with the same rhythm. The push was coming faster, the gust of wind almost cutting where it passed, threatening him to not go further. He wasn’t foreign to physical pain, but this was different. He wasn’t bleeding, that was a given, then why was he feeling such ache all around his body? How could it sting when his skin was intact? Why was he suffering in the first place? He couldn’t understand how the air was a whip, his self-inflicted penance for past, present and future sins.

All dire thoughts vanished when he ran into a surface. Against all odds, the sharp pain never came, his nose wasn’t throbbing, and he wasn’t sore even after running for what it seemed to be hours. Just like the first time, he was standing, finding comfort by feeling something solid on his palm. Dumbfounded, he started to explore the surface with his fingers, trying to get in contact with the smoothness that he had felt before. 

There were rough edges, ones more prominent than others, giving some texture as if he could read it by touch. His strokes paused when his knuckles bumped something cold. His lack of eyesight made him reach and touch first with the back of his hand; he could picture something curved, around six inches long. Once he took it and his fingers enclosed it with a familiar grip, he recognized it immediately.

The doorknob rotated, and so he pushed. The colors came one by one, and he blinked several times to get used to it. There wasn’t much light to begin with but still, he needed to become acquainted with his eyes now that they weren’t useless. He confirmed his previous suspicion now that he could not only smell but feel the rain. It was soaking his clothes and making the blond spikes of his hair go with gravity. The drops were falling intermittently but no so often. It would be better to call it a drizzle. 

Hideyoshi came to a halt when his mind finally caught up with his vision. He walked a few steps ahead, then turned around and saw the totality of the façade. Wide-eyed, he couldn’t prevent his body from falling once his legs were failing him. His knees wobbled twice before they finally gave in and touched the ground. 

The broken-down house was there, just as he remembered it before the explosion. His body went rigid, fingers being the only moving thing while they were trying to find a grip on the ground. With both hands almost buried on the ground, he screamed.

The earth road that led to the house had grass on both sides. He didn’t need to follow his way out through it to know what he could find. The tree might still be there for him to climb, but he didn’t need nor want that knowledge. He couldn’t find it on himself, the will to stand and leave, even if being there was hurting him. He knew what the building had made of him, what it could become and how. 

He wasn’t sure but knew that was possible. The ends justify the means, he had been hearing that since he was a kid. As long as it was for the greater good, he could do anything. The ghoul was a common enemy, and he had been in a life-threatening situation. Before the detonation, he might have dug out both of his eyes with the crimson blade. He might have cut with his teeth the tongue that was entering his mouth and taken advantage of the situation to dislocate the other’s jaw with his elbow. He might have even managed to decapitate him while being choked, with the same piece of kagune that he had used to stab him in the face. 

His gaze was laying low, fixed on the mud until there was a shadow. 

_“Hide…”_

The familiar fluttering of his chest, the thrill that went through his body with that voice alone; all those sensations combined made Hide lift his chin so he could see him. 

The white strands of hair looked like snow melting under the rain. They were so long that if he hadn’t been on the ground, he wouldn’t have been able to look him in the eyes. Both seemed to be empty, lifeless hollows, a slight frown encompassing his face along the tight line of his lips. Hide was at a loss for words despite having so much to say. It was agonizing, how he could feel the other’s eyes on him and still know that they were not _seeing_ him.

Kaneki turned and started to walk; he was leaving the road so Hide went after him. Hide was giving his all to gain ground on the other and fast, that’s why he couldn’t understand why Kaneki’s figure was so out of reach. He could see that the other wasn’t even trying; Kaneki was going at a slow pace while he was running at full speed. Nonetheless, Kaneki’s body was becoming smaller and smaller, losing itself on the distance, and Hide’s vision of him was getting blurred, not by rain but tears. 

_"Trying desperately to find me, did it ever pass through your mind that I left because I wanted?"_ Despair flowed through his veins, the heartache making his legs run even faster despite feeling that he wasn’t getting any closer. His breathing was erratic. At this rate, he would lose sight of Kaneki. At this rate, he was going to miss him. _Rabbits die of loneliness, y’a know!!_

 _“It has never been me”._

And missing Kaneki was _torture_.

 _“Kaneki!”_

He didn’t know when nor how but Hide’s body was now pushing him against the ground. Kaneki could remember having been on the hunt for several days, tracking out Aogiri’s members to get information about Kanou’s whereabouts. So far, he knew the doctor was working for them, and that a woman known as Madam A was normally with him. He had a name and that was enough. Kaneki didn’t need to know who she was. The ghoul that he killed might have even been lying and still Kaneki wouldn’t give a shit. His loss, pain and sacrifice; he’d scorch the lands and anything that got in his way until he destroyed him.

This wasn’t revenge. This was _rage_.

Kaneki had been lost in his bloodthirst when he noticed the scent. It hadn’t been strong, merely a breeze, but that alone had made his body move on its own. It was simple but well-known, intimate considering how he had been surrounded by it since he met the person at eleven years old. He wanted to immerse in the smell, have it raw on his skin till it burned, surround his body with the sweet taste until he couldn’t perceive anything but that. Both arms surrounded a thin waist while his breath gave warmth to the space between Hide’s neck and shoulder. Kaneki’s lips, just like the first time they had been there, started to peck where the scent was stronger, sending goosebumps all around the other’s body. The soft whine that followed was delightful but Kaneki needed more. 

It was getting heated. Hide gasped when Kaneki pushed his hips forward and flipped their positions. His mouth started to use more teeth than tongue while his hands were desperate, searching for skin and finding none. The hold that he had on Hide’s stomach changed from exploring to bruising. He couldn’t take it anymore, Hide’s presence, so he abandoned his sucking and took instead the shirt’s neck in between his teeth while pulling away, ripping the piece of clothing all the way down in seconds with the swift motion.

Old urges renewed, Kaneki took full ahold of Hide; both knees encompassing the blonde’s thighs while his body was pressing Hide’s down. His pale hands contrasted with the tanned skin that they had underneath, each stroke sending him ablaze at the same time they kept Hide’s chest in place. Kaneki lifted his gaze and met two eyes that he was sure of having lost forever. The brown kept him grounded, maintained his feet on the earth, this reality. If the sight of him was a bliss, the slight blush on Hide’s cheeks was euphoria. 

"All this time and you're still searching for me", Kaneki was thinking out loud. Hide nodded his way and smiled, vaporizing the upcoming flood; the rain of tears clouding in comparison to his ray of sunshine. Hide’s arms were open, extended towards him, inviting. A shiver went down his spine with the sight. Not needing to be told twice, Kaneki woke up from his trance and embraced him. 

Kaneki wouldn’t cry his misery, his dread. Hide’s hands on his back were reliable, real. He was _alive_. He would be damned if he allowed his sun to know how rotten to the core he truly was; the star couldn’t be stained or it would reach dawn and leave him. The night had been his and his alone for years without stop, making him fear shadows, sense, anything that wasn’t darkness. His curse had become his salvation. One couldn’t be terrified if there was nothing. Pain didn’t come from nothing. The nothing was harmless. Being blind had been for self-preservation, but he could indulge himself a little bit if the light came from him. 

If all stars had to rise, Kaneki would become Hide’s eclipse.

Hide felt hot in his hands though his body was trembling. Kaneki was salivating. His hearing wasn’t sharp, but he was enjoying the song that came from the racing heartbeat while he licked the other’s nipples. Hide’s hands had such a strong grip on him that if he didn’t know better, Kaneki would think he was trying to push him away. Such passion was expected from the fire, it was needed to melt the ice that kept him prisoner. All these reactions, because of him. Kaneki pressed his groin to Hide’s own and gasped. Hide definitely was teasing him, with the way his body was moving, almost impatient. _I will never be late again._ He was a wave while Kaneki was the shore. He would take him whole, every subtle grumble, each moan. The sound of waves crashing on the shore is one of the most relaxing. He was full of flavor. Why had he been depriving himself of the other in the first place? 

"Stop"

 _Huh?_

Hide was looking up to him through long eyelashes, soaked in sweat and short of breath. The amber eyes looked pleading and Kaneki couldn’t understand why. Hide closed his eyes and flinched when the tips of Kaneki’s fingers began tracing the soft lines that formed his face; from the relief of his eyebrows to the sharp mountain of his nose, brushing the soft bump of lips with his thumb. Kaneki lifted Hide’s chin, using the knuckle of his index as a lever, caressing with devotion the only light within his life.

Kaneki covered the apple cheeks with both hands and kissed him.

The tenderness was almost painful, but Kaneki didn’t care. Hide would be there for sure, to pick up the pieces. His tongue slipped against Hide’s and it was beautiful. He had longed for this to happen, for this fantasy to become something palpable, but the truth is that he was still famished, unsatisfied. If anything, the void was digging deeper inside him, aggravating his fever with crazed lust.

“Please _stop_ ”

Kaneki was needed. Now that he had the strength, enough to fight for him and others, for him, he knew that he wouldn’t be left alone. They couldn’t leave him alone. The blonde was trying to close his mouth, but Kaneki wouldn’t let him. The black nails were sinking to the point of spitting blood. Why was he trying to run away now? Kaneki had saved him. He had earned this. 

If it wasn't for him, Hide would be dead. 

_**“And your very flesh shall be a great poem”**_

Kaneki didn't want this.

"I’ll never leave you", he whispered between Hide’s panting, nibbling the other’s lower lip which was red and swollen by this point. The wet sounds that were coming out of whatever Kaneki was doing with his mouth, that combined with the sentence that he kept repeating like a prayer was unsettling.

"Loneliness can’t kill me so I’ll keep you safe"

Kaneki was devouring Hide’s face, pressing their foreheads together while their noses kept crashing. It hurt, how much he wanted this. The nightmare was still there but he could afford to fight it if it would mean more time spent with his friend. Having Hide in his arms was totally worth it, even if he had to drink the other’s blood and eat his meat to stay. _Stop stop stop stopstopstopstop–_ Unable to suppress himself from the punishment, Kaneki stopped binding him and looked. 

He wasn’t surprised. The sight wasn't beautiful.

 _ **Didn't...eat... I'm...leave!**_

Kaneki's tongue followed the path of a singular tear, tracing the drop from Hide's chin until he reached the corner of his left eye. Hide’s crying face was something that shouldn’t exist, not if Kaneki could avoid it. _I’m sorry_ , "please don’t cry", and Kaneki curled his body over Hide’s form, placing his head on Hide’s chest while his hands tainted of scarlet writhed with the lack of touch. 

"But you can't", Hide said in between sobs.

Kaneki looked at him, overwhelmed. _I’m so sorry._

"What do you mean–" Kaneki couldn’t have found the words in him to ask even if the other hadn’t stopped him.

"That’s why I'm doing it for you".

Kaneki closed his eyes and laughed, hard.

"Our dream, I know you–"

"Hide that's _bullshit_ ", _it's not **just eat!**_ "I'm no longer that person, you said so yourself. My getup isn’t the only thing that looks different… I don't have dreams, moreover, I don’t _dream_ ". You’re my only dream and greatest nightmare, but that Kaneki didn’t say.

“And for god’s sake, you became a dove!” Kaneki’s fingers were itching to go back and fetch. _Just **take him!** No. I don't want this. I didn't want this. I’m not a monster. I’m not. I'm..._

"Kaneki, I know that the person in front of me isn't you so I won't blame you" and Kaneki stopped. 

What _what **what–**_

Something inside Kaneki's mind cracked. Whether to devour Hide or not, now it was debatable. Kaneki straightened himself up, pushing the ground on Hide’s sides to try and free the other from his body. Hide huffed the moment Kaneki’s chest left, getting the air back on his lungs with frenzied coughs. Kaneki was ashamed, not of what he had done but of what he could and wanted to do with Hide, who was spread on the floor, at his mercy.

Kaneki needed to cover him, fast. After all, he ripped Hide's clothes with his own hands.

The smell was everywhere. Toxic. "Kaneki, please..." _We can’t…_

Kaneki's face was getting closer. Hide gasped once the warm breath of the other was on his neck. "All this time, you searched for a ghost", and he licked Hide's skin, tasting cold sweat. The smell that he had missed, the meat that he had seen bared to another ghoul. 

_We had been friends. We could not become strangers. It left only one thing: we must be **enemies**_.

 

* * *

 

Hide woke up with a headache. It was a good thing that the air conditioner was on. He massaged his temples while trying to focus on where he was. The first thing that he noticed on the desk, among the lots of files and crumpled papers that had been his temporary bed, was a half-eaten slice of strawberry cake. _That’s right, I skipped dinner._ The note said that it was for him so more surely than not it had been Suzuya the one that had brought it to him, taking into account that the dessert was partially gone. 

He had been doing a follow-up to Shinohara’s research, taking over a case from eight years ago that somehow was still unfinished. The Binge Eater had been a famous ghoul at the time, and even though the CCG concluded it had been killed by other ghouls, Shinohara had become suspicious somehow about this doctor named Kanou and Hide wanted to know why. 

So far, sometime after graduating university, the man had worked for the Ghoul Forschung Gesellschaft and the Commission of Counter Ghoul for about four years before he suddenly quit. He was unaware of why he quit because his resignation letter only said that it was for the sake of his _professional development_ but figured that he might have seen something that he didn’t like at the Laboratory Division, and therefore decided to continue his career by working somewhere less stressful, like a hospital. Nevertheless, that didn’t explain the train of thought that Shinohara had followed to consider this person when he was writing down his own version of the Binge Eater’s report.

Hide yawned. “Let’s call it a night!” and he took the cake to his bedroom, to catch at least a couple hours of rest.

Not everyone was sleeping, though. 

There was a beast at the outskirts of Tokyo, doing a maze with limbs and entrails, the piece of work coming to be by the oozing blood that once dry could keep everything together. The growling of the monster filled the air, vibrating on the atmosphere and terrifying what little was left of his hunt. His eyes were glossy, pupils dilated, but he didn’t need to see to find. _What is essential is invisible to the eye._

“Mon amour, j'ai un cadeau pour toi…” and the woman was bending in ways that a human wouldn’t be able to stand, what little she could do to run away and escape. Kaneki looked at them and hissed, the tails behind him going wild before he launched forward.

Amidst the clouds, two things had been for certain.

Hide never caught up to him, in the same way that Kaneki didn't stop.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** “So this is diplomacy”, said Hide, all eyes on him now that the screen was off. At the head of the table, Yoshitoki was frowning.
> 
> “It’s lying, only for a better class of people”.


	11. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PREVIOUSLY:** Amidst the clouds, two things had been for certain.
> 
> Hide never caught up to him, in the same way that Kaneki didn't stop.

  
“So this is diplomacy”, said Hide, all eyes on him now that the screen was off. At the head of the table, Yoshitoki was frowning. 

“It’s lying, only for a better class of people”. 

Some of them gasped, Amon included. Akira just sighed while massaging her temples. Seidou was chuckling, evidently trying to keep the laughter in without avail. Suzuya wasn’t that discrete, though.

“Where is this insolence coming from?” Matsuri said rather harshly, ending the commotion almost instantly. Hide answered his glare with one of his own. There had been so many things wrong throughout the online meeting with the United Nations that now that they were finished he would gladly give them all a piece of his mind. He was about to start with how it hadn’t been manslaughter but murder when someone else intervened.

“The Fifth Elephant by Terry Pratchett”, said Arima, unperturbed. Hirako Take was next to him, expression equally blank. Both had been passive since the whole thing began three hours ago, talking only when they were addressed directly.

“Excuse me?” Matsuri was enraged but didn’t show it. Hide could tell because of how the other was adjusting his glasses; both his index and thumb were on the frames, and it was one of the compulsive habits that came to view whenever he had to refrain from doing something inconvenient for him, like hitting Hide when his mother was nearby. 

“I would know because I gave him the book”, and Marude raised an eyebrow at that. 

Matsuri was his father’s right hand, and thus was seated accordingly. Next to him was Marude, followed by Furuta and Arima, the last one only bringing Hirako instead of his full squad. On the other side of the table, Akira was seated next to Hide, followed by Amon, Seidou and finally Suzuya wearing an oversized coat. 

“And _you_ read it?”

It only took a light poke from Amon’s part on his leg for Seidou to remember where he was, what they had all discussed before arriving and that he should probably shut his mouth right this instant. Amon wasn’t looking at him but at Hide, who was suddenly going against Akira’s strict orders of attracting unwanted attention. This was not the time, nor the place to discuss Hide’s change of character. Nonetheless, one glance confirmed that inside Akira’s head the gears were turning at incredible speed, surely trying to come up with a way out of the mess Hide had gotten himself into.

“We should go to the matters at hand–”

“Nono, no, Amon-kun”, and then he turned to stare and spit the following words on Hide’s face:

“I’d like to know why authorizing the dispatch of a peacekeeping force isn’t appropriate”. 

Furuta’s voice was like venom and Hide totally hated it. He was already pissed off because at first the man hadn’t let him get in the room by using his lower rank as an excuse. Although the matters at hand concerned him as well, being his squad the one involved, it hadn’t been until Akira arrived that he was finally given permission to enter. Little by little, Hide was narrowing his list of suspects, and even if his far cousin wasn’t the one at fault, that wouldn’t change the fact that he wanted to punch him.

There was so much at risk regarding his parents, plus his team trusted him on this and he had slipped already after having been provoked. There’s no denying that he was scared; Furuta knew how to get under his skin, and after being in the same room for that long he had finally managed to get him where he wanted. However, that didn’t mean that Hide was regretting his actions. He was regaining control gradually over the fidgeting of his fingers, even if both hands were under the table and the only thing that everyone in the room could see was his expression, made of steel, fixed on the other’s eyes.

“The Bureau Chief”, and at this his father paid attention, ”intends to further strengthen pressure upon the ghouls. He’s targeting people assisting in the continued existence of ghouls by intensifying the punishment for that crime”. Hide glanced slowly and confirmed that they were all staring at him. He couldn’t begin to express how badly planned this all was, but he would be damned if he didn’t try. 

They needed to understand.

“In other words, guardians of ghouls will be treated as ghouls themselves”, Hide met Arima’s eyes and was surprised of finding something new. He would dare to say that the man was enjoying himself at the moment. That’s how eyes look when one smiles, or so Hide thought.

Furuta merely chuckled. 

“So?” 

“Which means we will bring unnecessary conflict upon us”. Hide watched them in silence, thinking about how to word it better. Akira was following him but refused to participate any further. Amon couldn’t comprehend how the CCG’s interests wouldn’t be for the commonweal. Seidou wasn’t following him and he knew Suzuya wasn’t even trying. He needed them to back him up on this, or else it wouldn’t matter at the end. 

Marude sighed, wanting to stop the bickering before Furuta could take it any further. “I know it seems radical but so far it is working in the United States of America. Building walls around the most populated cities is showing to be effective, and people would rather go there instead of the military camps”.

“But the Centers of Humanity was a terrible idea to begin with. This makes no difference!” Hide was trying to keep it low, but it was hard. “There’s a reason why people in Europe reacted so violently, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are ghoul sympathizers as well”. Why would they abandon their homes without a clear explanation of what was happening? The media could only do so much to inspire fear over the threat. 

“They don’t want to give up their freedom.” 

“It’s to ensure their safety and they will realize it in the long run. The Prime Minister agreed with other governments when the decision was first made during the International Congress two years ago. However, we can’t keep our forces divided into several places considering the immediate situation”.

“So telling the enemy where to attack does make the difference?” 

“It’s a risk that we’re willing to take.”

“That’s–”

“ _Enough_ ” 

Yoshitoki’s grave tone put the room back in order, but once Hide met his eyes, he knew that his efforts hadn’t been in vain. The dark eyes were judging him, like a true adversary for once, and for the meantime that was enough. He wanted to be seen as a warrior in front of his father’s eyes, but for that he needed a chance.

“Indeed, my son has made his opinion known”, Yoshitoki said while looking one by one at all those present. He met Marude’s gaze and stopped. “Take it with a grain of salt. He’s young, and this is his first time participating actively in one of our meetings.” Hide clenched his teeth. 

_Stop hurting because of me. I will take the blow, I can handle it._ Filled with determination, Hide was trying to convey his willingness to fight but Yoshitoki was purposely not making eye contact with him for some reason. 

“Mado-san”

Akira’s stare could easily be cutting glass.

“Chief?”

“In our last meeting, you mentioned Hideyoshi’s presence was crucial for you to explain how it was formulated, the reconnaissance mission that will be taking place in the 20th ward”. Hide couldn’t avoid it this time. He was surprised, and it showed. He knew that although the proposal had been accepted, his participation in the execution had been expressly denied, but it wasn’t to his knowledge that Akira had verbally expressed that she needed him.

If there was someone who knew how much this meant to him, it was her.

“That is partially accurate”, Akira said. All eyes were on her and Hide wasn’t prepared when she stated her next words. “The aforementioned came up with the theory and thus with the plan. His participation should not be refused, moreover, I would like him to take over the role of Team Leader for this mission instead of me”.

Yoshitoki looked at his squad in silence. 

“Team Leader?”

“Yes”, said Amon with his chin held high. Suzuya was smiling and barely nodded.

“Let him show you”, said Seidou.

Marude was looking at the boy inquisitively. Furuta had a hand over his mouth but Hide could see the smirk in his eyes. His father turned to look at him with such certainty that it made his heart swell, hammering uncontrollably in his chest, a challenge that he would gladly accept. 

“You have fifteen minutes”, finally said Yoshitoki.

He breathed slowly, taking only a few seconds to gather all his thoughts. _You can do this, c’mon._ Akira’s hand intertwined with his, and that’s when the trembling abandoned him completely.

Fifteen minutes? He wouldn’t be needing more than five.

“After he looked into the Steel Beam Incident, investigator Shinohara became suspicious of Dr. Kanou. He found out that he used to be a coroner with the CCG and his whereabouts were unknown. That information is still in force, there’s no record about Kanou’s location after retiring whatsoever. He was every so often seen working in his hospital, but that was it. Nothing more. But the key in here is the patient from the incident, a child who was reported dead shortly after being transferred to Kanou’s General Hospital. Shinohara theorized that the girl in the incident might have been the Binge Eater, considering how the DNA of the wounds inflicted over the couple and the child matched the one found in scraps of the previous victims, and how the massive killings stopped once she was found dead. Despite the CCG not wanting to recognize the identity of the ghoul, he had wanted to find the body of the ghoul to confirm the kakuhou’s type, but the Hospital stated that the CCG had taken the body with research purposes. Still, when he reached the Laboratory Division, Kouitsu Chigyou, who’s been the Head Researcher since Kanou resigned, confirmed the absence of the body, furthering more his suspicions about Kanou.”

“I took it upon myself to go and check the Hospital’s files, and I said the patient was the key for a reason. The three death certificates were there, but considering the final diagnosis before deceased, it didn’t make sense that the child hadn’t survived.” Everything had become personal the moment he realized who the child was. It was all a net full of lies; he knew from personal experience that the other had lived. He couldn’t have been dead, not after all the things they both had shared. And even though he didn’t want to put the other in danger, his best chance at finding him would start from revealing that his existence hadn’t been an illusion. “I didn’t believe that he was dead after being transferred to the hospital, therefore I started to investigate the neighboring schools and found the lead that Shinohara had been searching”. 

Hide tapped the multiple sheets with the table, aligning them before putting the two files on the surface to make his point across. There was no guarantee that he would be the one finding him first, and that’s why he needed to show them that he was _human_. 

“Kaneki Ken didn’t die eight years ago. In fact, he had been attending Kiyomi High School until recently”.

“But it can be a coincidence. It wouldn’t be the first time I heard of two people having the same given names”.

“The blood type is the same, and the kid has the same age that Kanou’s patient would have if he had survived”, Marude said to Furuta. The other man was getting irritated.

“Then what’s your point, that Kanou _lied_?” Hide was clenching his jaw. “Somehow they managed to fool the CCG? The whole Hospital crew, really? Moreover, the Binge Eater wasn’t confirmed dead because their DNA was found in neighboring wards shortly after, fewer victims but still, that doesn’t mean that they were killed by other ghouls nor murdered in some pathetic excuse of an accident.”

“Furuta, please, let him finish what he has to say”. The man in question stopped once Yoshitoki intervened, squinting his eyes and repeating one more time that they couldn’t be dead before he let Hide continue.

“The fact that the child from the incident is still alive is proof enough that Kanou should be a suspect. Nobody at the Hospital could answer me where he went after retiring. Some of them said that he went abroad to study, others that he returned to Germany. What they all had in common is that one way or another he had left the country, which now that the CCG has access to the migratory files of all Japanese airlines and what not, I can deny and confirm that he’s still within Japanese territory.”

“Kanou owns many estates and most have already been checked out. The last one was purchased under someone else's name, Yasuhisa Nanao, the creator of what used to be the Sphinx Trading Company, and that’s why it was more difficult to track. The mansion had been subrogated and given to Kanou by the CCG, shortly after Yasuhisa’s enterprise went bankrupt. All in whole, the property appears suspicious, and to find Kanou I think it would be our best shot to go there.” 

Yoshitoki stayed still for a little while, the final verdict awaiting them from his mouth. The only noise inside the room was coming from Matsuri’s pen, who was writing down everything, taking notes that he would surely give to the higher-ups on his father’s behalf. It was Marude who had his gaze fixed on Hide, wide-eyed, totally mesmerized.

“Mado-san, I can understand why Hideyoshi’s participation in this mission is important”, Hide looked at Akira, expectantly. “As a father, I believe his reasoning could be put to good use from the safety of this walls…” Why was he still refusing? Hide couldn’t get it. He wanted to free his father from being a paw, save his mother’s skin from any more bruising, get at the top of the pyramid and stop all this unnecessary killing. More than anything, he wanted to challenge the one behind this whole suffering.

He wanted to _fight_.

“However, as the Bureau Chief, I cannot keep the mind behind the mission here if his team says otherwise. Even though the area has been highly guarded since the raid at Anteiku, the possibility of facing something unexpected is still there. The four of you will be there to make up for my son’s inexperience. As we previously talked, this is a reconnaissance mission. You shall avoid conflict at all times.”

Akira’s chest swelled up with pride. 

“If there’s nothing more to add, you’re all dismissed”.

Hide stood up and felt immediately after Suzuya’s arms around his neck. The guy was pushing himself up on his back while Amon excused on their behalf, followed by Akira and Seidou in their way out.

“Stop that, we’re still at HQ!”

“But he promised a piggyback ride if I changed my shoes!”

“He’s right, Amon, just let him be”.

“Seidou, don’t encourage him. We shouldn’t give them that impression. There are already many eyes on us as it is”. She was about to put her hands on Suzuya’s shoulders when Hide turned around.

“Aki–Mado-san! It’s fine, really! I will just detour to avoid the main entrance. I left his flip-flops under my desk, we will catch up with you guys in no time!” and he took a different hallway before anyone could stop him.

The three of them saw Suzuya getting comfortable, his head resting on Hide’s shoulders. Both arms were still surrounding Hide’s neck, albeit more softly. 

“Well… this is going to be commemorated in the hall of lame”.

“Seidou…”

“I mean, the good thing in here is that we managed to convince the Chief, right?” But both Amon and Akira were already walking towards the entrance, leaving a confused Seidou behind.

Hide knew how uncomfortable it was for the other to walk with those shoes, had seen it when Suzuya actually tried after being told that it would increase the chances of Hide accompanying them. He had offered in the first place because of that.

The only ones left in the meeting room were the Washuu. Marude, Arima, as well as Hirako had walked out of the room once their respective reports had been delivered. Furuta was seated on his chair more freely, supporting both legs on the table in front of him while putting his arms behind his neck. He had more of a carefree attitude now that his only company was Yoshitoki.

“Y’a know that they won’t like how you’re putting him in danger, don’t cha?

Yoshitoki deprived him of hearing what he wanted to hear and lightly closed the door behind him.

On the opposite side of the building, while Suzuya went to his desk, Hide was paying attention to the TV that his coworkers had on. The broadcast was in English and from this angle he couldn’t see what was on display, but based on what he could hear it was probably BBC News.

“…When it’s outside, it’s not human anymore. She’s a cursed person living outside. It doesn’t matter if she looks like an adult or a child. To protect everyone who lives inside, we have to wipe her out even if it’s only a possibility. Don’t pity the people who live outside.” 

There was a lot of noise in the background. Based on the tone, it was a man who was speaking. Hide went closer to get a better look and saw indeed one wearing uniform.

“To protect ourselves from the ghouls, we can only do this.” 

There were protesters shouting, cartels portraying the photo of a girl that was probably the one behind the soldier’s speech. After all, he was the one behind the assassination of the girl who had been mistakenly slayed like a ghoul.

The reporter said something about knowing the media’s opinion when someone in the office changed the channel. The TV was in Japanese now.

The guy speaking couldn’t be older than him. Hide guessed around sixteen, eighteen years old at much.

“Something like half of the males in my fucking graduating class enlisted, and a great number of those are dead now! That’s why I hate the CCG, I’m disgusted by the things the military does! Rich people don’t enlist, the ones who join the military are the ones who owe money or are hopeful that for once, they’ll know that they’re getting a meal, not just today but tomorrow too”. 

You can't gauge the sense of distance between people unless you're sometimes in conflict with each other. That sort of thing will smash gentle hearts, but silence needs to be broken for some people to live. _We’re all riding the same boat…_

“I’m ready”.

“Oh”

Hide turned around and indeed Suzuya was there, waiting for him. 

“You can go on ahead” they were all going to have dinner before starting the preparations for tomorrow’s mission. “I want to return Arima’s book while he’s still here”.

“ _Yessir!_ ”

After that, Hide didn’t need to look hard to find the man. The exchange was almost mechanical. Some days Arima would give him books and he would right off the bat decide not to read them. He would return it a few days later, stating that it had been good. Arima never questioned him about anything. Nonetheless, the Fifth Elephant had been different.

“Want me to tell you something about me? Although you don’t have to listen”.

The question was deadly serious. The answer would mark him a lifetime. 

Hide could remember saying in a previous occasion how he thought that despite all the walls Arima put up on a regular basis, deep down he wanted someone to know his story. However, the man had stayed silent and only started to give him books more often.

Perhaps he should have read them all without exception. Without context, the words didn’t make sense to Hide, and he would have to deal with them all on his own until the man came back from the 8th ward.

“Even if we can’t understand each other, I want to live in a world where we can live without having to understand each other”, said Hide. It was his turn of sharing something with Arima; it wasn’t needed but still, he wanted to share it with him. 

Arima didn’t smile, ruffled his hair, nothing. It might have been because they were still inside, and he couldn’t afford to show that kind of behavior in front of others. Sometimes Hide really believed that Arima was a dead man walking.

Once he caught up with Suzuya, who was strangely still at the main entrance even though according to him his flip-flops increased by sixty percent his body’s maneuverability, he found the other taking out something from his pants pockets.

“Suzuya, we’ve talked about this. No more pick-pocketing inside the building!” despite saying it with severity, Suzuya could read in his expression that the other was actually enjoying it and didn’t really mean his words. Hide started to explain that by now Akira and the others would already be at the restaurant, and that they would have to walk all the way there now that they had missed Amon’s ride.

Despite having about the same height, Suzuya lifted his chin and showed Hide one of his crooked smiles while taking from his pocket what he had found. The blonde merely laughed when he felt the metal from what he was sure was nothing but the keys of Furuta’s car.

Suzuya patted his back several times, harder than what was expected from a person of his size. It was a weird gesture that Hide hoped Suzuya could be confident enough to share with others in the future. Hide would definitely be returning what was stolen, but that didn’t change the fact that he found satisfaction over the man being outsmarted by his mentor. His friend.

“If you can turn this into a game, it’s your win, Nagachika-san.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NEXT CHAPTER:** I don't want to fight you, Hide.
> 
> I know what you're thinking, "wasn't the fight supposed to be in this chapter?" WEEEEEELP, at first I was just gonna put them all in the mansion, save the explanation for later and just go for the kicks and all that jazz but my silly little brain wanted the PAIN that comes with mistery solving so yup. I just wanted to give it a try, hopefully it wasn't that boring.
> 
> Next chap is almost done so it might be up before the actual date. Dunno why I'm giving myself deadlines, honestly.
> 
> See yyou around ;'9 And really, really, thanks for reading this far!! :DD

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was strongly inspired by [気まぐれ更新's](http://ruri-rasu.tumblr.com/post/150756677286/k%E3%81%A8) art.
> 
> Next update: 09/10 (back2school so no more weekly updates for a while TToTT). I hope we can enjoy the story together from now on.
> 
> Please tell me what you think! And here's my [tumblr](https://alefiasolar.tumblr.com/) , just in case you ever feel like talking about Tokyo Ghoul, exchanging memes or anything, really.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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